Schizophrenia??

As a child i had no friends at all, i only had my beloved mother. At the age of 10 i began to experience severe bullying in school (daily beatings) this went on for 4 long and painful years. At age 12 i would purposely keep myself awake all night cos i realized that by staying awake it felt longer away from the bullies in school. Unfortunately for me it turned in to life long chronic insomnia......At age 14 i left due to the daily threats of violence but it never left me......At age 15 i began to see dead people walking about in my room and would be visited by evil spirits as well as Demons that would terrify and attack me nightly and have me screaming in terror......My concerned mother took me to a Psychologist and she diagnosed me as having Schizophrenia, upon hearing this my mother became terrified that they were gonna lock me up so severed all future visits to her......At age 17 i began to self harm with a pair of scizzors and a small hand knife to try to alleviate my feelings of low self worth. This went on for 6 years solid until i finally stopped.......At age 20 i was at my darkest and my chronic insomnia was driving me crazy. I can remember being awake at about 4am crying, screaming and punching the walls and this was a regular occurence for me......I became obsessed with Vampires and would wear sunglasses, have my hair slick back, wear black clothes and have candles lit in my living room with the curtains closed in the day......I became convinced that Vampires were real and that they were gonna turn me in to one and would lie in bed at night waiting for a visit! I would also walk about my home in the dark with a kitchen knife in my hand being told that i must kill people and my mother was horrified and very worried about my mental state......I would get messages from the tv telling me that i had to do certain things OR ELSE so i did......In late 2009 my mother was diagnosed with having lung cancer and was undergoing chemotherepy and would tell me that she was fine but i knew that she wasnt......I can remember this one time that (when i was in the kitchen) she ran in to the room and fell to the floor and i grabbed her and frantically asked what was wrong and she looked up at me with dead eyes and managed to get out the word "toilet". I directed her to the loo and she was walking in to the walls and she turned around with a blank expression on her face. I can remember screaming quote "YOUR DYING ARE'NT YOU, YOUR ****!NG DYING" but she couldnt respond......She died in June 2010 and thats when i began to cut again but this time, FOR THE BLOOD. I used razorblades for the first time and would draw blood and put it down each cheek of my face (as if to cry blood) and would light candles and put them in to the garden at night......3 weeks after my beloved mothers passing i took an overdose and was rushed to hospital. The doctor asked me why i did this and i told him that i was told to commit suicide by a girl on the tv cos she had hung herself and thats when i was referred to a Psychiatrist. He has since diagnosed me as a Paranoid Schizophrenic........In the present day i have about 3 evil spirits that are with me and i can feel them laughing at me and there is a Demon that lives upstairs waiting for me. I still cut myself for the blood because im told to do this by a psychic that imposes his own thoughts over mine......I've tried to deafen myself with very loud music because again IM TOLD TO and have to go mute at times as i have no choice, am i crazy........
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26-30
5 Responses Mar 15, 2012

i don't believe your crazy i am a Paranoid Schizophrenic. i hear my demon and spirits daily they never have anything nice to say. im currently living with a friend because she is afraid to leave me alone.

I'l pray for you

I can relate to your story, somewhat. I never tried physically hurting myself but I would get "visits". I have lived alone since the age of 19. I had my own apartment and I loved it. I was very responsible for my age and had everything under control. At least I thought I did. I would get very lonely sometimes and would feel bad for myself. My family lived about 20 minutes away but I would convince myself I was alone. I don't know why I did it's just how I would make myself think. The visits started when I was a toddler. My mom told me the stories of a boy I would laugh and play with in my closet. A lady I was nervous about and a tall man I was terrified of. Now I see the boy. His name is Max. He's still a young boy. And he gets in my dreams, I see him mostly when I feel down or vulnerable. I feel like he's a protector. I see a lady who wears somewhat of a white gown. She's always crying and looks very gloomy. She has attacked me. While asleep I would wake up choking and can't breathe. I would see her on top of me as if she's the one choking me. The tall man stands in corners of the house. He just stands there-doesn't come out. He isn't too scary anymore. I can just feel his presence very strongly. I feel that Max is afraid of the woman. She comes out to do harm and when she's around Max tends to hide. It's a very strange pattern. I lost my brother in August 2006. I used to see him a lot. It was his face, his body but it wasn't him-him. I would feel scared when he came to visit me. This is the first time I share this side of me. I am very scared because I am 26 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I don't know if they can harm her the way they would harm me. I don't have any advice. I wish I had a solution. Some call this a gift but I don't see it that way. Living in fear is not a gift. All I have is my story and letting you know you are not the only one out there. I have never had medical diagnosis. I've just had prayer and faith recovery with relatives who support me. I hope you can find some way to control harming yourself. It can only get worse. Good luck.

You know what's harmful. You are aware what is you and what is not. So, can you tell yourself not to listen to what's not you? You've got to be strong of who you are,if not...any fcuking demon will take over... they have no mercy.

how did you manage the isolation?<br />
Been also really isolated kid and now at 24 after a suicide attempt am finally diagnosed with skizophrenia and on apropriate meds but dont know how to act around people, just to much distance