My Experience As A Schizophrenic With Possibly No Chance Of Being Helped

When I was 14 I started hearing voices talking to me, insulting me, criticizing me,accusing me of the most terrible things, judging me. When they aren't doing those things they are questioning almost everything I think or being what would be impossibly stupid for a real person. Only one medicine has ever helped at all and that was Latuda. That gave me ******* in my face, head neck and hands so i don't think I want to take that anymore. It also gave me terrible restlessness to the point that it was nearly unbearable to perform standing tasks like brushing my teeth and washing dishes. I don't think I want to try any more of the typical anti psychotics since the first medicine I was ever on, Haldol caused me neck to tighten up so my head was turned to one side and I couldn't move it. Thankfully that went away quickly with treatment but I don't like the idea of having something like permanently. I'm worried that stress from schizophrenia might affect my personality. For years I would never swear, but recently I swear sometimes, increasingly almost every day. It's not a positive change. Sometimes now I yell when I'm alone usually over something somewhat frustrating but not major. I also have celiac disease, diabetes and hidradentis suppurativa. I'm struggling with a Sinus infection and what I think must be epididymitis. I've never been completely gluten free, maybe I'm luckier than I think and once I can stick to the diet for awhile maybe there's just a little chance it'll help my Schizophrenia. When I was on Latuda I would not hear voices for maybe 6-7 minutes than hear them once or twice than not hear them for 6-7 minutes. This is a vast improvement but while I think the can give you meds for twitching and ******* I don't think they can give you anything for restlessness.

Any treatment except Latuda was useless. Therapy was useless. Hospitalization was the most stressful and useless waste of my time ever. All they ever talked about in group therapy was acting out and stuff. I rarely ever did anything like that. On top of Hospitilization being stressful and useless, when I was 14 I was physically abused in one of the hospitals. The first thing they did was belt me down to a gourney in a completely dark room and leave me there for several hours. I was going so crazy in there I'm not sure I know how long it was. Their excuse for the physical abuse was that I was big. Apparently if somebody could cause trouble if they wanted to you do a preemptive strike as the only thing I did that gave them any excuse was getting into a drawer in somebody's room there because my brain was fried after waiting hours to be admitted and then being belted down. That stuff was wrong. The place closed down eventually but NAMMI wouldn't do a 'fricking thing about it when my mom told them.

I've had to lie and say meds worked multiple times because they always kept me in the hospital 2-3 weeks longer than anybody else and I couldn't stand it. I don't know how long I would have stayed if i told them there treatments have all been completely usless.
I've also lied about meds working because clozaril probably gave me diabetes and gain 40 pounds, no way would my doc have taken me off it If I said the other drugs weren't helping. I was Zombified for years on some of that stuff and I wonder how much commonsense some doctors have to give you enough pills to impair you mentally in order to help you mentally. Frickin' duh! They are supposed to improve your quality of life! I don't know if the doctors in my rural area are too great.

Sorry if I seem to rant but I don't feel comfotable getting into certain specifics of things even with the people closest to me and none of the people I consider friends even know I'm schizophrenic. I had a very bad experience with stigma and being judged soon after I was first diagnosed. The same people I was smarter than in some ways in class were now calling me a 'retard'!

again sorry if I ranted and sorry if I'm a 'debbie downer'.
MikeOH MikeOH
31-35, M
5 Responses May 22, 2012

I'm coping a little better but still no results from medication.

Hope you do well in the future, my son had schizophrenia, it went undiagnosed for years. He like you was very intelligent and would not show the doctors how ill he was, not wanting the stigma, there is no dignity in this illness he would say. I wish people would realise it is an illness like any other illness and be kind and treat people who have this awful illness the same as they would any other illness. I lost my handsome, kind son 2 years ago, he took his own life. We bear his pain every day. Take care Pam

Thank you for your kind comments. I'm sorry about your son.

My brother is a Schizophrenic. Your story makes me sad. People can be so crule. I understand. Do keep trying different meds. Luv Lucy

Thank you for your kind words. I've been on the last atypical anti psychotic available and unfortunately it seems to have as much effect as a sugar pill. I don't really want to get into the typical anti-psychotics that sometimes are more likely to have the sometimes permanent neurological side effects.

I have enough problems to know that you are not alone...medication is supposed to help us, but that is a problem in itself sometimes...<br />
Please, do not feel alone....there are us who do understand the frustrations of have physic and physical problems...I am certainly one who can and do understand...<br />
You are a honest person who just has the frustration of having things not go the right direction....but, it is also a brave and caring person who cares to share these frustrations with others....please know that you are NOT ALONE !!!<br />
<br />
Master Giley

Thank you very much for your kind words.

okay they expletives something out that I didn't mean in the way that the program screening it for thought. lol I didn't swear or post anything bad, honest.