Awaiting Evaluation

I find it hard to know what to say here. Schizophrenia has been all around me all of my life. My Grandfather suffered from it, My mother and one of her sisters suffer from it, and my oldest brother as well.

Those of you on my friends list who will see this know my story and what my life has been like. I have recently fallen into a black abyss that has made me question alot of things. The voices and visions, the loss of time and possessions. Many things were explained by the supernatural and the worship of the Old Gods. While I still believe in my religion, there are other factors at work here.

The biggest problem of all is the memory loss. I can't remember my age sometimes. I can't remember big chunks of my life. I can't remember writing half the 400+ stories I have here on ep. And worste of all, I can't remember if my son needs a bottle, or a meal. What did he eat last? When did he eat last? I mean, I know when he's hungry. Its not like he's going hungry but these are things a mother should remember!

Aside from memory loss, there's the hives from anxiety, rediculous paranoia (which after the fact I feel completely embarassed), and the obsessive scratching of my face. Also the depression, lack of motivation, and being that overbearing mother constantly hanging over my son because I'm terrified something will happen to him.

Now, my mom and brother both tell me that I'm not schizophrenic. I'm also told that if I was then I wouldn't know it. I ask you, if not then what the **** is wrong with me?

I don't mind the voices, I don't mind the ghosts, and I actually don't even mind the possession. What I mind is all the other things that keep me from leaving my house! The things that keep me from enjoying my life, and that keep me crying myself to sleep. I'm just so tired!

I will be going into my local Pathways on this coming Friday for an evaluation, and hopefully ssi or medicaid with help me with whatever the findings are. I just want to be happy, and I don't want my son to grow up thinking this is normal.
FellidayaFiresong FellidayaFiresong
31-35, F
1 Response Jan 19, 2013

hey sweetie . . . you know me and you know my story . . . whatever it is . . . know you can talk to me about it . . . we have alot to relate too . . . our religious beliefs . . . family mental histories . . . I have also come to learn that whatever the experts suggest about what is or is not a mental illness . . . I take with a grain of salt . . . just cause its what they say don't make it so . . . please keep me posted . . . maybe we both can learn something from this . . . thanx . . .

I will. Thank you very much hun.