Sometimes I Want To Listen To Them.....

I was diagnosed at a very young age, 13 at which I was also diagnosed with anxiety, bipolar, and depression, but it all began when I was 8. I guess my dad says that I would lock myself in a room and talk to myself for hours on end. I don't remember being alone, but everyone says that Killa (what I called her) was not real. I remember the first time that I met her, I had just moved to Arizona from Illinois after my mother couldn't handle my bipolar anymore. She says that I would have violent outburst so bad that I would beat my head against anything near me as hard as possible. But I am getting off track......

Back to locking myself in the room. I remember talking to Killa and having fun, then other 'voices' made me so angry that I forced her away. I didn't see her from the age of 15-20. For 5 years I forgot who she was, I learned to block the voices out on my own without taking the medicine (I had to learn how because I lost my insurance and couldn't afford my medicine.) But when she started coming back around I remembered everything! And with her came 2 more 'shadows', as I like to call them.

One of them I have recently found out is my grandfather, the other man I have no idea. He stands in the corner, facing the corner. He never turns around or talks, just stands there! Then there is Killa. She comes in the middle of the night and tells me to do horrible things like to murder everyone I know and run away with her. She says that my family doesn't love me anymore, that they think I am crazy and if I don't kill them first, then they will kill me! She is starting to show up more and more, and wherever she is, so is the guy in the corner. Lately I don't sleep so that I can see her and talk to her. I feel like she understands what I am going through. Like she knows everything about me, what I am feeling and the pain of living. I don't want her to leave, but at the same time I am scared that I will do something stupid soon. I am completely scared! I have tried to kill myself 3 times since October, but Killa always stops me.

So basically now that you know the short version of my story, I need some help. What can I do to push her away? Or make her understand that I can be her friend, but she needs to stop saying such horrible things? Please anyone......
sammi2244 sammi2244
22-25, F
3 Responses Jan 22, 2013

She's lying to u! Call on Jesus
Im praying for u.

At this moment I have been doing alot of meditation and my father was able to explain to his own psych the problem with me not having my medication. The psych has "doubled his dose" so that I can take the pills as well. I haven't seen Killa in almost a week, nor have I seen the man in the corner. So things are going a little better. I have actually been able to sleep and I don't have the feeling that someone is watching me all the time. Thank you for the responses.

I don't know what you can do to get her to leave or be friends with you. But just try really hard not to do as she sais when she wants you to do such things.