When I Knew I Was Different.

 I always knew that I was not like everyone else, and I hated that for a very long time. I tried to be like everyone else, I just did not fit in. I was not formly diagnosed till 2003, been in an out of hospitals since I was 16, the reason I did not get diagnosed currectly was for one I was not telling anyone that I was hearing things and seeing things that others did not see, my sister told me once that they were going to kill me for the things I would tell her,Like my voice would tell me things like you are mary the mother of God.First time I heard that I said yeah right. I didn't believe it. Then other really strange stuff happened to me like my voice told me to sell everything in my house and go to Farmington ,New Mexico. All this time my family is very worried because I started living in the streets and hitch hiking all over,eating out of dumbters, sleeping on park benches. I lived like that for six years never stayed in one place to long. Never would keep medicated long enough to do any good, my family was concerned for my life. They believed that someone would kill me sooner or later. I got cancer in 1997, and my family thought that this would give them enough time to get me in treatment, but I ran again,and kept away from my family, because I really believed it was the world that was sick not me. Then my mom needed me ,cause she can not walk well any more ,because she had a stroke, my other siblings had more important lives than mine, plus I love my mom very much ,she is an angel to me. Very loving even though she has had to pay dearly for her part of my missed up life. I do not blame her for anything, but God punished her any way. Now to me I am making her life a little more bereable by being here with her. I have stoped abusing my self and I do take my medicine for her. Because if it was not for my disire to take care of her in her last days, I would still be out there in the streets and not take anything for my Manic/schizoprenia, I like who I am,but for my mom I will remain medicated till she is gone, because it keeps me here with her right now.Plus I am going to school to occupie my mind. It helps alot, I miss being out there. I like being mental, sometimes it is fun, but sometimes it is a nightmare. Most of the time I believe I am very gifted. I can not tell you that I still do not believe what my voices have to say, but I am more stable than I have ever been. And my family is very happy that I am being medicated.Well I got to go for now ,I know there are alot of gaps here I will try and fix that later.Love and Light Mary

maryomaga3 maryomaga3
46-50, F
16 Responses Feb 26, 2009

^^^ wow mary, i would like some advice. I have always wondered about being schizo. I have often even wondered if it was a real "mental illness" or actually just a sensitivity to the spiritual. I say this because when i was 12, i began to hear voices in my head (a demon) and began to see things. I now know that i have a "soul tie / generational curse" and that what i was experiencing was the side effects of this. I became depressed and began a long cycle of cutting my self (5 years) and attempting suicide. I have been hospitalised (yes mental hospital) twice and have been medicated and hated it. I to this day do not take medication. I found that it dose nothing for the taker and is meant to make you easier to deal with for other people and this is not right. I still "see" and "hear" things every day, but i dont consider myself schizo yet. Are you so sure thats what you are? <br />
Ive been diagnosed with so many diff things that i begin to wonder if they truely know what they were talking about. Post traumatic stress syndrome, anxiety, manic depression / bipolar, oppositional authority disorder, adhd, rage, mild dislexia (as a child) , insomnia, ect. <br />
I dont think your crazy, and the people who are able to see the truth wont either!<br />
You wrote your last comment on my birthday ; ) <br />
love and light <3 jess

It can be considered both. You're sensitivity to the other side will make your human mind go crazy with questions. Bottom line is if you cannot shut the voices out then you have a problem. You may be a victim of spiritual abuse. Learning how to balance your energies and how to talk back to the voices and get yourself back in control of your personal space. It is a process that I would recommend going though. If you wish to pay for help go to a Reiki master who has been doing it for a while. Use the time to meditate and find peace. Then carry that peace back into your every day life. If you can see spiritual threads between you and others ~ cut them and block them if they are tainted or lead to people or entities you are vulnerable to. There is no need to experience things you cannot handle. What ever you do be definitive in your actions. If you do not speak with authority and definitive reasoning the voices will not have to listen. It is ok to think that the voices are good, but do not let them convince you that they are divine. Any voice that attaches to you is ultimately feeding off of your energies. They will do anything to get you to trust them or fear them so that they can continue to feed off of your light. Do not be brainwashed by a ghost. They are selfish, just like the rest of us. :)

*nods* thanks : ) i can drownd out the voices and allow my own thoughts to overcome them, things are a bit better now i was experiencing the most of this when i first began praying, ive never heard a benevolent voice or viewed this thing as anything but demonic. I was feeding it fear and am trying my best to try and to remove that mindset but it can be difficult. I really hate the idea of involving money in the matter but i think its my only option, nothing else has worked, i have horrible blocks in my energy/chakras so it could deff benefit me but finding a respectable healer will be hard.

youtube dot com/watch?v=sMBJgg7ZjfY

This story is so wrong, I never stablized on any drugs,,,so sad I hate pills and plus I really feel that it stops my flow,,,and for this reason I will never take any of those pills,,,I am moving back to the mountains,,,I am leaving my mother here with my daugther and they will just have to get along,,or my mom will have to come and live with me. School has gotten a lot more demanding,,,and this house has to many people living here. If my mother wants me to take care of her she will have to leave them too,,,No meds and No over laod of other peoples needs,,,people really need to help themselfs before its to late,,,pray will help only if one allows the guides to come through...Mercy is now left for only those who give mercy. Mary has no more mercy for those who live for the money,,,Love and Light Mary

I don't think your mother was being punished by God by getting cancer. Cancer is often caused by toxic chemicals in the environment and that is man's doing, not God's. I love your story, Mary. You should keep a blog. I blog at http://gledwood2.blogspot.com ~ you're welcome to drop by any time.

LittleLena computers are not going to work nor will anything else,,,but I will see you when we are all together,,,in tha place of Love and Light,,,,I will not take medicine it is just wrong for me,,,in so many ways,,,sorry,,,Mary

Yes I understand what you are saying it has been said mean times in the past, and also what you said about me talking to demons, which by the way I do not talk to demons, now back to your question look up what it means to be schizophenic plus I am manic as well, I know science says what I am experencing is not real, but my mind says that they lie,,,I refuse to take their medacations, because I am in my forth year of graduant school ,,,last year I made the mistake of trusting and allowing my self to be admited, which was a major mistake on my part,,,because they had me so doped up I could not think,,,I stopped the doctor and the meds,,,and have no releaf from my own mind,,,,What I see and feel and hear everyday would drive a normal person right off the edge,,,not me I have learned to use it to help others who have schizophrena, because a lot of them do see the demon, I have seen demons that have possessed another and I have seen a window of pure evil,,,but mostly I stay high on God and him loving me so much,,,which I believe has given me strength and I believe with my education I will help many more people. I am not trying to be better than anyone else,,,I am just me Mary the Mother of heaven,,,Thanks for the interest in my life, I would like to know you better as well,,but if I am not good enough for you thats ok,,,you will always be a welcomed friend,,,you do not have to agree with who I am,,,just except me for being a real person who Loves God more than my own life,,,and who wants all people to shine in the truth of Love and Light,,,Mary

yes when I was young nobody said anything about it not being normal,,,when we moved in with my mother's mother,,,that is when I was told that there was something wrong with me,,,I was 12,,,and from there I was told by my grandmother that I need help for my mentalness,,,when I was 16 she could not stand me anymore she put me in Easter Seals,,,because she did not think I was normal,,,I started trying to kill myself,,,untill I couldn't stand it any longer,,,I was 21 the first time I was put in the hospital,,,I was there for a month,,,well hope that has anwsered your questions,,,Mary

Ms. Mary....allow me to refer back to my comment on your comment on "The First Time I Was Put In the Hosipital". That says it all.

that is so cool,you do know I misspelled it on purpose, it is who I am for real,Queen omaga, I know its not spelled like that, I just made it mine,which is one of a kind,lol,I like your grandmothers name,so why did her parents name her that,is there a story, love and light mary

You are so real to me thank you so much for your kind words,,,don't you think its wired,,,the world say I am crazy ,,,Gods so called christians,(now don't get upset )I just think the good ones should start calling them selves something else,cause I don't like that word,,,,God never called you that man did,,,so now I will finsh what I was fixing to say,,say I am the basfemer,(sorry for my bad spelling)but in realty marys that is,,,,they are the ones that are blasfemers,,,you may wonder why I say that,its because they all deny the Mother her place,,,she is not the holy ghost she is the Mother ,,,The Queen of Heaven,,, read revalation 5 and tell me where other than there do christians get that the Lion of Juda, is Jesus,,,,he did not lie when he said I am the alpha and omega,,, but who do the bible experts say the two wittness are,,,,can you answer that,,,I say that the two are The Father and Mother of Heaven,,come down in person,,,just to see what you will do,,,but we already know what happens to them revlations 11,,,what do you think of me now darleen,,,crazy don't you think...love you much mary

You are so real to me thank you so much for your kind words,,,don't you think its wired,,,the world say I am crazy ,,,Gods so called christians,(now don't get upset )I just think the good ones should start calling them selves something else,cause I don't like that word,,,,God never called you that man did,,,so now I will finsh what I was fixing to say,,say I am the basfemer,(sorry for my bad spelling)but in realty marys that is,,,,they are the ones that are blasfemers,,,you may wonder why I say that,its because they all deny the Mother her place,,,she is not the holy ghost she is the Mother ,,,The Queen of Heaven,,, read revalation 5 and tell me where other than there do christians get that the Lion of Juda, is Jesus,,,,he did not lie when he said I am the alpha and omega,,, but who do the bible experts say the two wittness are,,,,can you answer that,,,I say that the two are The Father and Mother of Heaven,,come down in person,,,just to see what you will do,,,but we already know what happens to them revlations 11,,,what do you think of me now darleen,,,crazy don't you think...love you much mary

Mary, God Bless and keep you in His loving arms, is my prayer for you today. Continue with your schooling and be who you want to be. I am so glad youa re there for your Mom. Remember God is always on acall, His libne is never busy! You are worth the best of what life has to offer and Jesus loves you sooo much. You are special and you are indeed a very gifted lady. We all have God-given gifts, some of which never get discovered cause we keep them buried in the deep recessess of our soul. Launch out and be the lady God created you to be. Stay focused on the good--the light--Jesus!! Love u Mary xoxox

Thanks for your input, I am doing much better at the moment, Thanks for asking, how about you ,how has your day been, Love and light mary

hey mary how are you? its ok to be different thats what makes the world go around!

I am sorry if it was put together so sloppy, today has been one of the hardest days for me.I went to take my nephhew for an employment review.I went to put my mom's walker in the truck of my car and the lock was broke it frecked me out so bad that when I went to drive away I was not paying attention and backed my car right into my uncles truck, and he was just screaming at me. Then I was really frecked out cause my car had a pretty good size dent. So now all I can think about is what my husbend is going to say. I love him a lot he puts up with so much from me, but sometimes he grips way more than me.And in my mind that is not right ,and I tell him that his name is not mary.His name is gary, he can be just as contray as me.I think that is kind of cool.It makes me think of him as my true mirrior. Any way I get to searcy, and my dent is gone thank God but,I cracked my tail light, and the bumper has a few marks on it. I call my husbend at the car dealership, because I have to get the truck fixed. I tell him what happened and he tells me I got to get the car painted, my goodness,I tell him I don't want to pay for that sillyness, I relize its a new car we have almost had it a year, but please its not that bad. This is the real crazy part of my life that I hate with everything in me, I just went from having nothing to having all this stuff and responsabilatie paying bills every month with out fail going on four years strate and cooking and being normal as I can, with out losing it totally, God knows how hard I am fighting. I hope all of this does not sound like I am whinning, because I am where I am because my mom needs me right now, she had four children, but it was my wish to take care of her, because I know nobody can do it better than me. I use to be a nurses aide for over 14 years, now not year after year in on place . The longest job I ever had was two years at a time. And that was because they knew I would be there anytime they needed me, and they were good at leaving me to do my job. I loved being a nurses aide, from the time I was eight years old thats all I wanted to be was a nurse,will I became an L.P.N. in 1993, but I did not last six months, I tend to talk to much, and I believed in really caring for the sick. So much that any thing that I thought was neglect I would speck out, and I just could not get along just puching pills and charting, I just was not think this was the right place for me. I than worked in resterunts, as a cook and dish washer. Best boss I ever had was one of two jobs I stayed at for two years, he had a resterunt in Angel Fire ,New Mexico. I loved his family and him so much, he was more like a brother to me, Him and his mom owned the food place ,very nice place, he would let me do everything from cooking to waiting tables, washing dishes preping, I loved working there,I think if he would have kept it open, I still might have been there today, they treated me like family. Anyway I have just been going on and on. Sorry, it just feels so good to relese some of the pressure. Right now at my house it is fixing to strom, I love stroms it is also my way of venting, in my crazy mind anyway. Medicine is only so good, I still have issuse, but they are not half as bad as it was. I thank God for that. Well hope to here from more of you out there that need someone to just listen, I am here, we can all help each other. Love and Light Mary