Finding Out

I was officially diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia October 2007. What a horrendously scary disease!! I really started seeing symptoms when I was around 23ish, I had some symptoms before hand but it really kicked in in '03. I still blame it for at least a part of why my first husband and I divorced. I started seeing and hearing things that weren't there (well at the time I swore it was real and not knowing I had the illness I didn't realize or put the pieces together until '07). I would have entire arguments with my husband, and he wasn't even home. I would bring things up and he would swear he had been at work when it supposedly happened. There were even incidents that I don't remember happening that he actually taped to show me later, but I threw them in the fire (we had a wood stove) because I was unwilling to even consider the fact that I was sick. I already had bipolar, I didn't need this too. Well a lot of things happened between then and 2007. I was living at a Domestic Violence shelter and I remember that day. I woke up after only a few hours of sleep (I hadn't been able to sleep for 3-4 days because I thought I had heard my husband outside my window, I had even called the police and made them search the grounds twice) and walked out to smoke. While I was smoking on the back porch I heard someone say my name. I cracked the door and swore to be damned that a group of counselors were in the front office talking about me. I sat for awhile listening and, me being the straightforward person that i am, finally marched up to the front office, flung the door open and shouted " If you have something to say about me, here I am, say it to my f*****g face!!". Well their jaws dropped and one of the head counselors looked at me and said "Honey nobody was talking about you, your name hasn't even been mentioned!". Needless to say I didn't believe them, stormed down the hallway and started packing my stuff. Another resident came to talk to me, and I told her what I had heard. She tried her hardest to calm me down but at that point I was stripping my bed, bagging up 90% of my belongings and throwing them in the hallway(one of the statements i "heard" was that I was selfish and always took more than I needed so i was getting rid of everything). Well around noon my ride showed up to take me to my scheduled meeting with the local mental health rehab office, I had made an appointment so that I could get my medication for my bipolar disorder prescribed as I had to leave mine at my home when I left. i went there had my review with the psychiatrist, was re-diagnosed with bipolar mania 2 got my prescription and left. We stopped, got some hamburgers and went back to the shelter. When we walked in I was amazed by all the people and couldn't figure out why there were all these strangers. I went to the lunchroom, sat down and started eating with another resident that had also had an appointment. Well as I sat there I started hearing people talking about me AGAIN. They were saying atrocious things about me, that I had done something absolutely unthinkable. As the conversation heated up, it sounded like I was about to get lynched so I ran down the hallway out the backdoor with the other resident hot on my heals. I sat there shaking as I heard another resident head my way, saying she was going to kill me. By this time I was seeing police in the front area, hearing screaming and was flipping out. The other resident seeing that something wasn't right ran to get help. There were 2 or 3 of the main counselors came busting through the door. They tried to convince me that there was nobody else there and I was just overly stressed. I argued and cried and screamed until the head lady took me by the hand, opened the back door and lead me down the hall. There was NOBODY there except the counselors and the one resident that had gone to the dr. with me. I fell to the floor in a ball, started rocking back and forth and sobbed uncontrollably. Emily, the head woman, got down rubbing my back and asked what was wrong. I said "now i know what it feels like to lose your mind". She then asked if I needed to go to the hospital and i agreed. Once there I kept having the hallucinations. Everybody was talking about me, saying horrible things and it just got worse and worse. They admitted me and I was there for over a month. I don't remember the first week hardly at all, just bits and pieces. I wouldn't let them give me the medication I needed because I was convinced my husband was there in the ceiling and had hired them to inject poison into me...it just gets worse from there. But I got the right meds and although I still hear voices every once in awhile I now know what is wrong and I do my exercises to make them go away. I will never be healed and i live in fear daily that it will come again. I see stories of the horrible things people with schizophrenia have done and my skin just crawls. That same monster lives in me! 

amyjo3 amyjo3
26-30, F
1 Response Mar 18, 2009

Thank you both, honestly it means alot. I joined the group awhile back and just now had the nerve to write about it, maybe it was the fear that somehow it could make it come back or just fear of humiliation i couldnt tell ya. Knowing that it has helped someone makes it worth it! It is absolutly terrifying dopecounselor. There are no words to express how I was feeling or how it feels to know it can and most likely will happen again. It is absolute terror, and not knowing if you will ever return to sanity, thinking that maybe this time it is permanant is almost more than one can bear. I would suggest trying Invega if she hasnt already. It worked miracles on me and didnt make me feel high, which i can not stand because than u feel that much closer to losing it again. My prayers are with her and bless you for being there. The only person in the world I had was my sister.