Self Dx Is Correct

I could tell my story but it'd be long and confusing and I dont even get it. Maybe in pieces sometime.. but for now I want to right about how upset I am about how just going to the store is hard.

I regretted going, but I really felt I needed some LQ since I have a ROUGH TIME LATELY.

I hate going into public feeling bad. I get in these moods where I just don't feel right around people like they are thinking bad things about me. Derogatory or demeaning, etc..

Anyways. I know the LQ store owner and I tried to hold convo with him but I felt like I couldnt and he could definitely tell. All that keeps echoing in my head 3hrs later is: "YEAH GO HOME AND GET SOME REST"

and I feel like wtf is that supposed to mean?! and I feel like I need to defend myself and explain or something before  i go... but there is nothing I can say that can excuse my soberish beligerence???? that he would begin to comprehend..

I left with a sick feeling like i wanted to disappear and all of society hated me and i meant nothing and i am a burden and gross and I should just go...

the things thAT KEEP ME GOING:


seeing my family and best friends smiles. hearing them laugh. Knowing I had some part in their happiness.

Seeing new things. Discovering places and getting lost. Learning. The thought of what could be out there if I ran aawaya from this life I have here.

But then I remember. Because I am told I am sick. No one has diagnosed me  wit schizo. My gpa sister had it. My dad and uncles are bipolar and I was diagnosed as manic depressive when I was 5(after PTSD? after my dad being burned in a freak accident on my 4th bday), and at 15 diagnosed with rage disorder and Rx tegretol but mom didnt trust Dr so they never filled it, and at 23 Dx with bipolar and taking topamax and lithium and they arent working they just make me crazy when i forget to take them. One time I decided to buy a box of CRACKER JAX every month for the rest of my life and depending on the prize inside, I would know how the economy was doing....thats y im trying to get off lithium. its bad. crazy talk. but ive had symptms of schizophrenia since i was a kid. my parents just didnt want to accept it. and still dont. currently i told them how i am mentally feeling and my guesses on my mental state and they wont really talk to me except fpr the necessary stuff ;-/ cuz im dealing with court sh*t.

LostLamb LostLamb
22-25, F
3 Responses Mar 3, 2010

I'm glad you feel better. I went through a rough spot a while ago myself and it's nice to realize your breathing again huh?<br />
<br />
I didn't do any heroine, but I did let myself get a little addicted to pot.

Thats how Im starting to feel about it. I feel better now that I got off meds and quit drinking. Im on meds now for heroin recovery "Suboxone" and it works wonders. But I still dont like going out into public. Its crazy now to go back and read this, I remember feeling crazy

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. I have been diagnosed with schitzofrenia, but I know that I am not schitzofrenic, just a little more gifted than others. However these gifts give me troubles going out in public. It is truly horrible seeing your life change as normal activities become gruesome tasks with schitzofrenia.