Trapped In A Lucid Dream.My whole life up until I turned 11 went normally. My family found out that my dad had been molesting my sister, and that impacted our emotions deeply, but it didn't change my brain. I was still a normal child, a little starry eyed and "weird" but average. But gradually from Jr high on I began evolving from an outgoing person to a quiet barely can speak person. I have moderately bad hearing and I feared it messed up my speech. I also began to feel unattractive in my 13's and 14's, all I could focus on while I was talking to another person was them noticing and staring at every single flaw I had to offer, and that would make me stutter, it began to feel like I was watching myself outside of my body when I was trying to socialize. Eventually I felt like I was straight up dreaming constantly. It was severely hard in the beginning to distinguish dream from reality
It's like one day I woke and the out side world was to much, it was like a huge cluster of lights and noises outside my front door that I could NOT understand, I absolutely forgot what being alive Ment for two years. Nothing made sense I felt like I couldn't piece together sentences in my mind or aloud, or even say words people would understand I could hear the words in my mind already mushing together before I even opened my mouth, so why bother?. I felt my skin and my body and didn't know why I was here what does it mean? Space, dark vastness, tiny earth just hanging there how could anyone be okay with just being here and not knowing why, I never longed for death though, I have still yet to except death that something huge I need to over come, but how do you except death, If you haven't even accepted life yet?. I realized after two years that I had DR/DP derealization,and depersonalization.DR is a state of being when you feel nothing exist and you have this constant fog like you are in a dream constantly. Life is just a figment of imagination. DP is when you feel you've divorced your own body, your body doesn't feel real, nothing does. Those two together are a complete loss if grip on reality. But I always had a couple of good friends, and they noticed something was really wrong with me as.much as I didn't want them to, they literally pealed me out of my bed, my sanctuary from the confusing realm I lived in. After just constantly not getting life I just Said **** it, started partying a lot, socializing a more, started wanting to date even though the thought alone was almost inconceivable, how could someone in my state even handle a relationship, sometimes even today I still ask my self that :). My friend introduced me to josh the most beautiful boy to this day I have ever layed eyes on. We began "talking" even though it was still hard for me too, and for some reason he chased me, he wanted ME. He even waited until I was ready to have sex. But it was a lustful relationship, we had trouble literally "communicating" with one another it was all me and my stumbling over words,I was an awkward human being let me tell you.
, we cared for one another a lot but it seemed we only argued and had sex. He understood my disorder but didn't really care to except it for what it was. His friends all loved me though for who I was.I think thats why I was ment to date him, to meet his lovely friends that are now all mine, muhahahha evil laugh ;). After a year he left me for another woman, at this point I kind of felt like an actual alive person. But when he left me for her, I went absolutely C to the R craaaazy. I'd stalk him, I would not eat anything for weeks, I wasn't ever not crying, All the while I was doubting myself a lot, like whats wrong with me, why can't I be loved? Eventually I started hanging out with his friends to feel close to him. Their amazing people I never could imagine existed. They were enlightened, starry eyed, obsessed with space and the universe like me,everything I could ask for in people. And I begin to feel happy. Happy for the first time ever Real happy. I became a hippy I guess you could say, wed all travel around California going to festivals, dancing in circles blowing didgeridoos laughing and trading stones, discussing the many ways of perception. They all adored my weird unique perception, they thought it was so interesting that I had a loose grip on what's real in this universe. Then I began viewing life in signs. This happens so much more gradually then DP/DR. At this point of my life I am 17 I go to party's a lot and social gathering,I'm the crazy girl who is well liked, I live in a hippy commune with 10 other people, I am adored and treasured and being taught everyday by spiritual advisers l, but then I just fixating and started seeing shapes in the clouds, detailed shapes daily that were so important to me, they held profound meaning and I was sure of it. Once I saw perfectly sculpted babies in the clouds, by the hundreds laying with they're eyes closed and it scared me. Then I would see not only babies but people laying down in towns with they're eyes clothes by the hundreds I couldn't believe the detail I saw in the clouds every day. I'm sure you would assume i had done acid in the past or recently, but I actually haven't tried it, not a lick, drugs weren't a priority for me, little weed here and there, and the yearly shroom trip that's about it. Continuing,I can see things like the clouds in the grass, on walls, window shines, carpet, water you name it. And I would constantly wonder what it ment. I began thinking that all these bodies I saw in the clouds ment the end of the world was coming and I was the one chosen to know first.. These people I'm seeing with their eyes closed are dead I thought. I also grew up with a Jehovah's whiteness influence Ive always gone to my own beat spiritually, but I still have that faint gut feeling that jehovahs instilling in me some where. But Armageddon was talked about a lot growning up. So I started linking everything I saw to doomsday. The way the sun would set, sometimes when I would smoke weed every now and then I would think any minute now Jesus Is going to knock on my door and destroy me. Any minute. I hated the count downs on microwaves, I felt like it was a countdown for a nuclear bomb.. started hating count downs all together, new years eve terrifys me, along with explosions and even the slightest view of airplanes because of their loud noise sounding like a potential apocalypse. All of this felt so real. I wasn't afraid of everything not being real any more I accepted that, I was afraid of the real. I was a conspirisist I guess. And I also felt I was doomed in gods eyes I felt so off track and dirty and bad, i knew I should be punished. And I really believed that he was showing me I was doomed in a series of signs and ways. I felt like I was chosen to know when the world was going end point blank. I wasn't worried about going to hell,Jehovah's whiteness's don't believe in a fiery hell that's below our feet. We believe there will be an apocalypse to wipe out all the wicked people, the dead before doomsday will go to the new world, a select few will be in gods kingdom with him and the rest will either be put to death for ever or be decided by god if theyre aloud in the new order to live forever,The wicked won't go to this fiery hell, they'll just die and their thoughts will cease for all eternity. I feared that more than anything I COULD NOT fathom not being able to think If there is a god I thought, I d rather go to hell then have my thoughts taken away, although my thoughts were what was causing horror and "delusions" my thoughts are also one of my dearest friends that I could not be with out, I'd rather go to hell. I would start panicking when I thought about not having thoughts I may not know what I believe in on a religious level but I understand that anythings possible, and any religion has the chance to be whats real in this universe. The denomination Jehovah's whiteness was not my only belief. I pick and chose different belief systems that make sense of things for me bits and pieces of everything and believed it either each at a time or all at once. Such as reincarnation,Wicca,fiery Wicca,shamanism,even greek mythology, but especially, the guidance of the starts, I'm very in to astrology They all condensed each other but it feels right. I believe that all animals and insects have more than a reason to live. I freak out when people kill them, even an ant. I made so many friends, but I started feeling like I couldn't keep friendships going, or relationships going, I almost felt like I didn't have the will to keep them going, I didn't care. I just wanted to be surrounded by animals of every kind under a harvest moon,warm out and harps are playing to me. I just wanted to star gaze for the rest of my life with an animal by my side, because they live in the moment, and remind me to as well. I got diagnosed by a psychiatrist with schizotypal last year I was offered to start taking persc
seanymph9 18-21, F 1 Response 1 Jan 21, 2013