Or At Least I Used to

I was diagnosed as being schizotypal when I was 16, right after I dropped out of high school due to social anxiety attacks.  I lost contact with all my friends (they were less friends and more aquantances, I didn't really have friends, just people I ate lunch with). And I spent a year as a shut in, I maybe went out 5 or 6 times into public over the next 8 months.  Worried my parents half to death..  When I did go out, I grew extreamly paranoid, that everyone somehow knew that I hadn't been out of my house in weeks.  They all looked at me, laughed at me, watched me.  

I couldn't be touched by other people, I had never in my life, ever had had physical contact with another human being without being keenly aware of it, even my own brother whom I love dearly.

 My magical thinking was that if someone was in physical contact with me, on some level they could read my thoughts, or feel my emotions, even if they weren't aware of it.  When I'd sleep at night, I had to sleep a certain way, I could be touching anything but the bedding of my bed, I couldn't have the wall touching me, if my sheets came off my bed the mattress couldn't be touching me, the headboard couldn't touch me, even my comforter couldn't be touching me, when I was a kid, my stuffed animals couldn't touch me, otherwise I couldn't sleep.  I   believed that if i fell asleep with my stuffed animal touching me, then anyone else who touched that stuffed animal later on, would somehow have my dreams.  I remember feeling this way as an a toddler in my crib, one of my earliest memories was pushing all my stuffed animals away from me before I fell asleep so they couldn't have my dreams.

I didn't like being schitzotypal, and even thought they say that you can't cure a personality disorder, I worked on the symptoms that were most devestating in my life.  I decided to get my GED and go to college so that my life could actually continue in some fashion.. I cried a lot those first three months away in college.  My first day there I had a major panic attack, nearly sufficated in the bathroom from my own tears.  But i got through it, three years  later I am a successful college drop out!! 

But I am very happy now, and I am outside more than I'm in, I have wonderful friends (in the real world, as well as the virtual world).  I still think that people stare at me, but here they actually do!  I'm moved to china to study chinese (how about that for curing you of social anxiety!)  The chinese really do stare, and when you stare back they just keep on staring, I've had  many 20 minute staring contests here.  It  has been really good for my paranoid belief that they people stare at you, cause when they really do.  You just learn to get over it.

As far as the can't touch things when I sleep, I still have that problem sort of.  But it is getting better.  And the touching other people for fear they can read my thoughts, is almost gone.  I'd say my social anxiety is completely gone, I'm a very outgoing person nowdays.
Lucid Lucid
22-25, F
5 Responses Aug 8, 2007

This was so inspirational and awesome for me to read right now. Thanks for sharing!

This is almost the story of my life

This is almost the story of my life

My 18 year old son recently expressed to me that he is telepathic and everyone can knows his thoughts. He has never had any real close friends but lots of acquaintances. The last two weeks he dropped out of school and is not socializing with anybody. I am seeking professional help while he is still on our insurance plan. From what I am reading about Schizotypical Personality Disorder he may have this. What help you?

And here I thought I'd be the only one in this group. ^_^; Some of your early experiences sound much similar to mine, except I still struggle with much social anxiety and paranoia, as well as magical thinking, and have been housebound for about a decade now. I also don't really have friends. I'm working more on getting used to being by myself than on socializing. Thanks for sharing this story!