Sheer Terror, At Times

this all started out back when i was five years old. i experienced a large amount of trauma because i grew up in close proximity to somebody with a serious psychological disoder, my brother who has bipolar type 1. what ive been told is that i came to have this disorder not just as a result of genetics, but as a coping or "defense mechanism" against my brother and his disorder. Anyway, i could block out a large amount of the symptoms as a  young kid, but then bizarre things began happening when i turned 13. I stopped trying to make freinds in the real world, instead imagining that i had freinds to talk to and be around inside my head. ive been on this downward spiral for 4 years now, continuing to withdraw more and more from the world until finally, all ive been doing is playing guitar for eight to nine hours a day alone in my room, and its the only place i feel ok. i have large amounts of paranoia when in places such as classrooms, and begin having what are called intrusive thouhgs, or rather i start seeing violent or inappropriate sexual things regarding the people surrounding me, which is terrifying. i have finally gotten treatment, and according to my doctor, have a very mild case of this disorder. for now, i continue large amounts of music practice, which will help since im going into music as a profession. but im beginning to reconnect with people i used to know, and have told a few freinds and they understand. my greatest fear isnt the disorder itself, because ive come to find its manageable. my fear is the actual name of it. i dont like being put in the same class as people who have full blown visual and auditory hallucinations. i find it unfair, since i have never visually hallucinated or anything, i know that everything is fake, i never confuse reality with what my head creates. thats just a small thorn in my side, the name of it, but in general i think im going to be okay

thegloaming thegloaming
18-21
1 Response Mar 21, 2009

i have the same intrusive thoughts usually sexual or violennt. i thought i was the only one who had this