Vain Hope

Never equals in flesh. Never a match for your youth and beauty. Never a picture of mental health. Never a good enough earner. Ever at a disadvantage, for I am always shooting higher than my equals in all areas of my life. And though in the short term I can always pull out a brief and sweet victory, the future disillusionment is always there looming. Life is rather simple really, learn your lessons well so you do no repeat your mistakes, and quickly adapt to whatever environment you find yourself in. However I have always been particularly ill suited to succeed in all these most fundamental things, so I surround myself with those more capable in the vein hope that somehow, in someway, it will change me for the better, but it never does. In theory I have so much potential, arguably that erroneous perception is what draws them to me. Yet it is only the illusion of a specular intelligence that manages to reflect their own so flatteringly. But eventually suspicions of my true qualifications come into doubt and the questions of the future start to come up more frequently, the flowery half laughing hints of what is required of me to be a part of theirs, and then the uncomfortable silences following my lack of satisfactory answers. I've seen it all too often before for me to be able to ignore. Thus I brace for the coming storm, and begin to morn.
CopperCoil CopperCoil
36-40, M
7 Responses Sep 16, 2012

Brilliant writer. Write a book. Autobiography or novel.

You have this ability to write in a way that displays negative aspects of life in such a beautiful way.

I think that we all find ourselves inadequate at one time or another. I've seen evidence of this perception that you have of yourself in some of your other writings and I think you truly underestimate yourself.

I have felt inadequate for most of my life. I know that feeling only too well - you just express it much better than I could.

comparison dooms us all to failure..... head in the sand makes me happy......

Love this entry, I see many parallels within myself and person you painted. On certain days, I can walk straight into a pit of fire...and right behind me will those that believe in me.
Good thing is, my judgement is sound enough...whereby, if I am going to crash and burn...I make sure do so solo.

I understand... I feel for you.
I love you.

I understand this so well. People seem to expect ambition out of me, and seem to be puzzled that I don't want a better life. I don't trust myself enough to risk, I already know I'll fail.