I've Never Been Able To Sleep :(I'm currently in Nottingham, even though I live in Manchester. I'm here because my boyfriend goes to university here. I know it's not term time till mid-September, but one of his housemates is living here over the summer. He's called Kevin, I wrote a story about him on here somewhere, if you fancy a read ;p But yes, there is sense in my ramblings, as I'm explaining why I've come to write this this evening I had a breakdown and needed to be as far away from reality as possible. All is gravy.
I've never really been able to sleep well, since I was small. I could never sleep through the night as a baby, much to the dismay of my parents. This continued throughout my childhood. It was great when I was little, because my sister slept like the dead, so I could read and draw until I got tired enough to sleep. It really annoyed me when I got older, because my dad and his wife used to periodically check on me throughout the night, as they had wized up to my distinct lack of sleep. Seriously, I used to go to bed at 9, sleep at about threeish, and wake up for school at seven and be perfectly happy. I was constantly buzzing though, it was like I was on whizz constantly, my parents thought I had ADHD, but never got me checked out for it, as far as I can tell. I'm not on Ritalin, so I think I'm okay.
I was taken away by Social Services when I was seven, because my stepmother was a heartless *****, but that's a different story. I moved in with my mum and her husband, and Social Services monitored me every month or so. But yes, going off on a tangent, again. My mum didn't know about my aversion to sleep, but she soon did. John, my mother's husband, used to turn my light off in my room, and get rather irritated by it, usually shouting at me or something of the like. To add to the being on whizz feeling, I started becoming anxious, which made it even harder for me to sleep.(I guess the only good thing about the anxiety and hyperactivity combined, it meant I lost a LOT of weight. It was brilliant, I was very slim) I was 11 at this point, and some hard things happened, so sleep was non existent, as I was literally too scared to sleep, because my mother's husband is a filthy pervert, and he used to come into my room at night, because he's weird..
I moved back in with my dad just before my 13th birthday, and my sleep was still abysmal, and I was pretty much running off fresh air. It was common for me to stay up for 84hrs, get 10hrs sleep and be right as rain. That was just because of nervous energy though, my sister was anorexic and woke up three or four times a night to throw up and exercise, so I used to keep an eye on her to make sure she was still breathing, because I knew it was a very real risk for someone of her weight.
I had a few hospital admissions during this time, and the doctors eventually sedated me for a few days so I could rest, as I was ******' knackered, to put it bluntly, but they never gave me anything long term, they just treated me for whatever I'd overdosed on, or sewn up my wrists, or wherever else I'd sliced up, and sent me on my (not so merry) way.
At 14, I went into care, and I didn't sleep, I passed out when my body had had enough. I remember once, I was in school, it was lunch time, I didn't eat, so no, I didn't fall face first into my food, even though that would have been amusing. My friends were eating, and we were nattering about what we were doing on Saturday, as it was ritual to go out and get seeeriously wasted. It was great, I got a relatively good nights sleep on Saturday night, or whenever it was we got home, so I'd be (somewhat) fresh for Monday, when I went back to school for the week.
I had several foster placements over the three years in care, and they were pretty accommodating to my problem, except for one.. Sue and Al, my third set of carers used to hate it, because over one summer, I slept mostly during the day, so I was eating my breakfast at say, nine o'clock at night, and naturally, my body would be pretty hungry at about six or seven in the morning, and the bastardos would lock the kitchen door so I couldn't eat :(
I'm 17 now, and my sleeping pattern is still destroyed. My current "Carer" (I use carer in quotation marks because she is not my carer, she has no legal responsibility for me, I merely lodge in her house) thinks my lack of sleep is down to not having a routine. I do have a routine! During term time, I turn my Mac off at 1am, I get into bed with a book, and read till I fall asleep. My alarm wakes me up at 7:15, I get up, pee, brush my teeth, get dressed and get the 7:53 bus to college. I finish college, come home, eat, do work that needs to be done, go out for the evening, come home, go on Mac or go to bed for book time, depending on the actual time. Out of term, it's whatever I fancy. I woke up at 4pm today, I went to sleep at about middayish, I was reading a NewScientist article on quantum tunnelling theory, it was pretty interesting (I'm a science nerd. A nerd with a capital N. It's awesome.)
So yeah. I can't sleep now, I know it's not that late, but I know I'm going to still be awake when Sam (One of the housemates) wakes up at 4 to get back to Luton in time for work, but I have laptop, FF7 and several copies of NewScientist to keep me entertained till I fall asleep.
Thanks for reading, hope it's been interesting,
Istassah 18-21, F 0 Sep 1, 2011