My Cousin's Wedding

My cousin's wedding was this past weekend.  He was so happy, and his bride was absolutely beautiful.  It was a completely happy affair- for everyone else.  For me, it was so stressful that I have been depressed and keep crying just thinking about it.  I feel like a crazy person, because I know the things that bothered me are ridiculous. 

First of all, I am jealous.  Jealous of their happiness.  Jealous of how young and skinny everyone was.  Jealous of how put together and beautiful the whole thing was.  These are things I feel I will never have or be like.

But of course, from the socially awkward point, it was so hard to be in the crowd.  I was sure everyone was looking at me, thinking of me as "that fat girl,"  Also, I just could not think of anything to say, not even to my family that was there.  Then I was so sure that everyone was looking at me thinking, "why isn't she saying anything?"  It makes me sick how I always seem to make everything about me, as if no one else has anything better to do than judge me.  I know this is not true, but I still can't help believing it to the point that I was so emotionally drained by the end of the day I just cried the whole way home.

I didn't even say hello to the bride and groom.  I was too worried about what I should say.
NovemberBlue NovemberBlue
22-25, F
Jun 6, 2010