Unhealthy Mental State

Welp. Its happening again. One week I feel great, the next I want to end my life.
Havnt felt this low for while. So low that I look low. There is no life in my eyes.
Happens when I don’t socialize enough/connect/talk with anyone for too long of a time. [aside from my family of course. which just makes it more lame…]
Today I drove 5 miles away from my house to an empty parking lot with the intention of calling the suicide hotline. yea, the suicide hotline. sigh...this is what is has come to. so I called several times. It was a guy. Sh--. I have issues opening up to people…specially ones of the opposite sex.  So I just stayed there for awhile. In my car. Wondering how much automobile asphyxiation would hurt.  Watching other people. Watching the sunset. Seeing everything else change and wishing I would too...
So I went to the mall and splurged on some clothes. Instant gratification, baby.

ya so that was my day. sucks eh?
I hate to say that im one of those people that sits alone in their bedrooms on saturday nights and cries about how nobody loves them, but it’s the truth. Weekend after weekend.

except I don’t cry. Im so fargone that I cant.
I have a few people that invite me out every once in a while….but I always find like 10000 reasons not to go. Sigh…. 
like some of my friends are just extremely outgoing people who somehow took pity on  me ....i hate that. so i dont hang out w them bc im like...scared of ppl...
the less i socialize, the more of a hermit i become. I am a slave to my depression. and it denies me a normal human experience.
yoshiesque yoshiesque
18-21, F
6 Responses Jul 19, 2010

Gotten so sick of this that I have decided to do what scares me, go out in the public, stay there and deep breath and it gets easier by the day. No other alternative !

Your story brings tears to me because I think I know how you are feeling. If you think you are a slave to your depression, you will be. But don't. Never let it control your life. You are deserve to be your master, you are deserve to be happy... because this is your life, right?

What do we offer one another? It is a question that must be answered before we can find common ground I think. Love? Admiration? A sense of belonging? None of those things seem to be particularly important to me personally which is why I believe I lock myself away and do not prefer to socialize often. Entertainment is what I get from my computer, food from the supermarket, all other amenities seem to require minimal contact with the outside world. What else do I really need? Truth be told I don't know what I get from socializing which is why I'd just rather not. I seem to wreak havoc every time I hang out with people because I am too willful to adhere to basic etiquette. I don't know specifically what I want and so nobody can appease me and I go home and don't sleep for 3 days because it throws me into a crisis. Why am I hanging out with these people? I could offer what I have to people but what would be the point unless I were to get something back? It all just seems like 'sitting around drunk talking sh*t' with people I've known for ages to accomplish nothing of importance. It's not even that fun. All I can say for you is that you might stop considering socializing a requirement. Just focus on what you want out of life instead and if it should coincide with the social element then seek out the social element. What have I offered you then? Something to read I guess. You gave me the same thing at the beginning. There's no such thing as a 'normal human experience' by the way, you have to figure out what you want before it has any meaning.

That's like me too. I overcame my social anxiety disorder but I don't communicate with others enough and I tried to make friends but we don't have similar likes so its failing epically. I do nothing practically everyday so I feel your pain. I'm also still a bit scared of ppl because I have trust issues and I keep thinking they will screw me over like all my other past friends. I'm glad u didn't do anything and went shopping instead. There is always hope if u keep believing in yourself no matter what. And atleast you have a car lol. I have no car, no job, and no money. What are some things you like to do? Maybe you can enroll in some programs that suits your hobbies and try to talk to one or two people there. Never give up hope!

Yeah, that's me right there, well except calling the suicide hotline part :( It's so weird. I had so many friends and now I'm alone. They probably got tired of calling me out because I always have same excuses. Yesterday I was feeling the same way....I'm alone, nobody loves me blah blah....so I started calling people, trying to win back some friends (how lame) and yeah...I'm going out tomorrow, but I have this feeling that it won't turn out good.<br />
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Last night, my neighbours were so loud......music, bunch of people, everybody singing and the first thing that came to my mind was....... god I hate them...lol<br />
They just made me more depressed.

http://www.healsocialanxiety.com/ try the support group conference calls as well :)