I Want To Enjoy It.

I don't know why, but as a child, I never learned how to open up to people and express myself. While all the other kids in my class talked to each other, created friendships, and learned essential social skills, I never did. I remained completely mute and socially isolated from them. All throughout my childhood, I never had friends and just kept to myself. Now I am 18 years old, and I'm ashamed to say that I still remain friendless.

As a teenager, I started to realize just how strange I was. I became aware that the way I had always been, never ever talking to my peers and always gravitating towards myself, wasn't just common shyness. It was the first time I began reading about social anxiety, and I easily identified with it. I lack social skills. I can't open up or communicate well with people. I'm totally awkward and get anxious in social situations. I never know what to say when I'm with a group of people. I don't know how to make friends or get close to people. I'm scared that people wouldn't like me if I even attempted to befriend them. The list goes on.

It saddens me to think about the countless experiences I have missed out on over the years because of my social anxiety. But, I just hate being around most people because of my SA. Absolutely hate it. When I'm around a group of people I don't know, I just sit there, not knowing what to say, and wishing I wasn't there. Whenever I have to talk with someone I'm not familiar with, I just end up being shy and awkward, hoping for the conversation to just end soon. Honestly though, I hate that I hate it. I really hate that I hate being around most people.

I want to enjoy it. I deeply yearn to be able to fully take pleasure in being around others. I want to be able to enjoy making friends, being in groups of people, going to parties, having small talk with strangers; I want to actually like doing all those things. I want to be social. Not one part of me truly wants to be alone. My social anxiety keeps me from ever enjoying any of those things though. Because whenever I do talk to someone that I could potentially befriend, go to a party, talk to strangers, or end up in a group of people, my fears ruin any enjoyment I could ever have.

I long to be able to take full joy in being around others and connecting with people. I hope that one day, the time will come when I can finally be able to happily get to know someone, and have a good time with other people, without any overbearing feeling of anxiety or awkwardness, without any constant worrying of if they will like me, or worrying about the right thing to say. I want that. I really do.

I know it all comes down to me though. If I want to change, then only I can make that happen. So far, my fears have kept me from trying to change, but I think that maybe one day I can overcome that. Perhaps not soon, but one day.
FakeFur FakeFur
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 26, 2010

I know how you feel. I suffer from that everyday. I hate presenting in front of people. Even just saying a word. Im 15 and in high school and it sucks. Its extremely bad for me there