As A Child

Part 1.

It was the summer of 1982, the big movie in the cinemas at the time was E.T. I was a little boy, only 5 years old. I can remember standing in the queue to go and see E.T; it felt like we stood in that line for an eternity.

The reason I remember it so well is because apart from being uncomfortable standing for so long to go into the movies, my stomach was beginning to hurt, the pain I was experiencing was similar to a cramp.

A few days later I became very ill, my mother took me to see the doctor and he did a few tests on me, afterwards told my mother there was nothing physically wrong with me. He also told her that my mind was creating the problem, have you ever heard the expression “worry yourself sick?”

I don’t actually recall the doctor telling my mother it was my mind creating the situation, (she told me this years later). But what I do remember from that time was being sweaty, bed ridden and sick. I just wanted it to go stop. I didn’t really know what was going on at the time, I now understand that I was experiencing a high level of anxiety and this was severely impacting on my physical well-being.

I had just finished kindergarten and in a couple of months I was to start primary school. This event was the trigger for my anxiety. Unfortunately this high level of anxiety was a constant companion through all of my childhood. You see my mother was and still is a worrier, her habit was to worry about anything and most things, and in the same way genetic information is passed from a parent to a child, I had inherited this emotional pattern of worry.

I was also born with an extreme level of sensitivity, this combined with the pattern of worry; created high levels of anxiety in my childhood.

The first day of school I was anxious about leaving my mother, at school I was anxious about people not liking me, about being judged, I was anxious everything and most things.

When I was 8 years old, I joined the boy-scouts, on our 3rd excursion we went to the beach, while the scout leaders were occupied with watching the other kids near the water I was bullied by a couple of the bigger boys, the impact on me was devastating. I never went back to scouts, as I was scared of being bullied again.

That night after I got home from the beach, as I lay in bed, I was unable sleep. My mind kept obsessing over what had happened and how disempowered I felt. My self-worth and my self-esteem took a very low dive and for the first time in my young life I began to experience depression.

The anxiety led me into depression around the age of 9. Between the ages of 9 & 22, I experienced depression frequently and I did not know that I had a mental illness; I did not know how to communicate it. If you don’t know there is something wrong how can you communicate it? You can’t, you just think that it is normal to live with this discomfort because you don’t know anything else. If you put a frog in a pot of water on the stove and bring the heat up, it will slowly cook, but the frog is unable to recognize it is slowly dying. But if you take a frog and place it in water that is already starting to simmer it will immediately jump out as it recognizes the danger.

My parents did not have the skills or understanding to recognize there was a problem with their son, my father would just tell me to stop winging, that I was oversensitive; thanks for stating the obvious dad! This was the equivalent of telling a blonde person they have blonde hair, or a black person they have dark skin. My parents just thought I was a moody little boy, who grew into an angst-ridden teenager, to become an angry young man.

When I look back at my childhood I am amazed I made it through, I am amazed I made it to where I am, into the man I have become.

The level of dread I felt growing up I would not wish on anyone, I was powerless against this dread. It was the source of moodiness; my angst and at times it triggered my anger. Depression was like a smelly, ugly, annoying relative that I tried to avoid as much as possible. And when they would show up on my doorstep my shoulders would sag, my mood would drop, I would take a deep breath open the door and regretfully let them in.

Over the years, through my journey into adulthood and my exploration of many disciplines I learnt how to transform my biggest weakness into one of my biggest strengths and one of my greatest skills.

To be continued…