Anxiety Has Ruined My Life In Every Way.

I'm 22 years old, my name is Ztraceny and I have chronic anxiety and agoraphobia.
I wasn't always like this though. Before i became ill with this disorder I used to have a full life, (but back then it didn't seem full enough.) I had an abundance of great, close friends. I was the life of the party. I was getting ready to graduate college and start living an independent life. I had interest, hobbies, was busy all the time doing this and that, living the typical great fun life of a college student. Then one day out of nowhere I had an anxiety attack. I have no idea what triggered it. Maybe it was the from of a heart condition I have, maybe it was the stress of school, maybe it was just a random chemical imbalance that finally made itself known. But ever since that one panic attack over 2 years ago, life has never been the same.
At first it would happen when I drank coffee, so I stopped drinking it . Then it would happen when I was in the car, so I stopped driving. Then it would happen when I was at school, so I stopped going. Then it started when I would go out to stores, so i stopped shopping. Then it started happening when I was out with friends, so I stopped seeing them. Then it started happening when I drank alcohol, so I stopped drinking all together. Now before I knew it, I was so worried about having attacks from all these random things I started doing absolutely nothing. it seemed as if everything I did would trigger a panic attack. And i'm not talking being nervous, a little shaky. I'm talking about a massive heart rate with excruciating chest pain and palpitations, not being able to inhale air and feeling like i was going to choke and suffocate, not being able to stand as if i was about to collapse or faint, not being able to see, and the (absolutely mortifying) feeling I was going to lose control of my bladder.
The attacks are becoming ever more abundant. Most times I have about 3-5 a day, where they last 1-4 hours at a time. My entire day it scheduled around my fear of having these attacks. It's exhausting not being able to do simple things I enjoy because of the fear i might have another panic attack. I try to get out as much as i can, but still it's not enough. My husband semi-understands that it's hard for me to do things because 1.) my body is already dealing with heart and nervous system issues 2.) that i'm constantly feeling sick, but it's hard for him to grasp the anxiety aspect of it. He tries the best he can i think, but still, he ridicules me for it. For example a friend might call and say, "He were having a get together on this day, you and the hubby should come over" I'll agree, in the hopes that it will be a good day and i will be able to go. But when the day comes, I feel terrible, i cant get out of bed, and all he can do is talk sh*t to me about it saying hurtful things about how lazy, pathetic, depressing I am, how i've become so boring or annoying with my "anxiety". He doesn't understand how painful the anxiety and panic attacks are, and he refuses to understand that i cannot control when i will get them. So he leaves, goes out with his friends for hours and hours at a time, leaving me home alone. When he returns he's usually drunk and just goes to sleep. He doesn't notice how lonely and depressed i am, because he's always out having fun. And the days he does stay home with me, he just complains about how boring i am and that he wants to go somewhere. But of course, I can never leave the house, because of all this fear I have. He argues with me about getting a job, going to school, going out with friends and family. He doesn't try to comprehend how encompassing my anxiety and heart condition are. If i'm not sick from one, I'm sick from the other. The combined pain from all these factors has left me so utterly depressed, lonely, hopeless that everyday I feel like i just want to sleep through it. I don't even want to deal with the pain of the attacks, the ridicule and abuse from my husband's words, the realization that the best years of my life are passing me by. I can only hope that in the future I can find people like me, who understand what it feels like. I really hope to make some friends on here.
I didn't mean to blabber on like this, but writing this all out and actually saying how I feel really feels like its helping release a little bit of tension. Thank you for reading, I hope to meet some people struggling in the way I am, so I wont feel so alone.
Ztraceny Ztraceny
18-21, F
9 Responses Feb 13, 2011

I suggest you face your fear and put yourself in very anxious situations, and learn tactics to calm your anxiety. There are breathing exercises, and calming things you can do. Once you can move past an anxiety attack, it gives you natural endorphin's and dopamine. This will help you deal with lesser anxiety in situations where you should not have it. Also, your husband sounds like he is not being supportive of your condition. You need to let him know that he needs to support you and be understanding of your condition. Maybe show him some information on anxiety and educate him. If he is not empathetic after that, then he is kind of an *** hole sorry to say! He could possibly be contributing to your anxiety if he is giving you that kind of negative response to your REAL medical condition!Best of luck! Hope everything works out.

i overcame panic attacks with thinking that nothing serious will happen when i get them.. i was having problems to get air and i was scared to die.. so i googled everything bout panic attacks and found out that its not possible to choke when having an attack.. you will just pass out ,, so i stopped worrying and when i was having an attack.. i would just wait to pass out but it never happened.. i also listened to chakra meditation on the first signs of an attack.. i had the same problems couldnt drive a car or go anywhere cuz i was too scared to have an attack whilest being out in public..

You are most definately not alone. Anxiety in all its forms is 93% why people go to their Doctors. Its more cOmmin than you think! I had my very first attack 11 and a half years ago.....and Ive never been the same since-yes its got easier to deal with but everydays still a struggle: having to plan where im going etc.......when they first started-like you i was agoraphobic, couldnt go in a car or walk anywhere, but after around 3-4 yrs i started to push myself Into doing it, it was awful, but sinve then i can pretty much walk anywhere, i still have days where the anxiety is horrendous but no attacks whilst out and about. I passed my driving test in may this year but i have developed a phobia if driving alone; its all to do with the anxiety, but i know eventually i will be ok with it as i was with walking. People who have never felt fear and i mean overwhelming fear out of the blue have no idea how to understand it;,think about before you were like this? Ill bet you couldnt comprehend how someone could be scared to go get milk from the shop. My advice to you is FIGHT IT. It DOES get easier to live with but you HAVE to face it head on. You will have attacks while your learning to cope in the situations tou fear but eventually-and quicker than you think-they vanish!!! I still get the odd attack here and there, but in the last 20 months ive had 5, and 2 of those were when i had flu and felt rubbish. The other 3 were whilst stuck in a traffic jam, hungover and at a concert. You have to remember, it cant kill you - its an awful thing to cope with but i guarantee you that next time you have one (and this will sound strange) run around, use up the adrenaline, jump up and down, or, my personal favourite-just sing-loudly and i PROMISE it passes quicker. My Doctor said moving around/shouting/singing uses the adrenaline thats racing round your body so burns the attack out. And when in public; just close your eyes, it really works. Deep breaths, eyes shut and count in your head until it stops. Please try these things as i know they'll help you. Ive lived for almost 12 yrs with this disorder but eventually i had to help myself out of it-its cruel, its not fair but its your life. LIVE IT. I really hope you conquer this damn thing like me. Its hard but will be worth it. P.S my ex used to be like your husband-then one day we were out and he started shaking, he wanted to go to hospital as he thought he was having a heart attack. I knew by watching him it was panic attack but he wouldnt listen. Then the Doctor told him it was. Thats when i got my apology as he had never known before what it could be like. Good luck xxx

Hi Ztraceny....I am all out for you girl. I am having the same situation as you, but the only difference is that, i don't get any panic attack when im in public places, yet mostly i am afraid to meet some people I knew and some people. I am afraid of having conversation with too many people, when I started trying a conversation I get nervous and think how worthless I am which gives me a weaker point and totally space out. This started when i got married! Like you, my husband also has been so disappointed in me. I don't want to go out at home with him, I don't want to go to his family for some reason..etc. etc. Sometimes, he does throw words that hurts me. But what can I do, i am being so selfish. Don't worry, your not alone having that kind of situation in life. There are those people who shares it like me!...v.v

I've developed anxiety issues mostly over the past year or so, and it's taken complete control over my life, as a 16 year old girl I cannot even fathem having it any longer. The problems your experiencing sound extremely similar to mine. When i go for drives, public places, special events, or really anywhere besides my house, I begin to shake, hyperventilate, and more often than not get sick. It's stopped me from basically doing anything. No one understands, and my parents and friends tell me to just " get over it ".... As much as I'd like to "get over it", i just can't shake the feeling, its almost like a terrible burst of adrenaline for no reason. If anyone knows a way to curb this, I'd love the help.

I just wanted to write and say that I am completely in the same boat as you when it comes to anxiety and panic attacks. It makes me feel so sick every single day of my life as well and I know just how hard and horrible it is to deal with it all alone. Sometimes it really does feel like no one understands or wants to help you at all and it's the worst feeling ever to feel that you have no one to turn to. Besides not having a heart condition, my life is almost a spitting image of yours. I am here for you girl! If you ever need a friend to confide in who understands I am always willing to listen and offer my support to you!<br />
<br />
Stay strong!

when i panic my hands turn cold then my face turns red if the place its to hot....more like pink*<br />
then i worrie what people think or why are they staring at me which makes me turn red.<br />
I hope this cycle goes away im really trying i swear i pray to god it goes away. <br />
But idk what to do. I feel sad and alone some times....<br />
i feel like im the only one with this problem, there girls who turn pink but they dont care they still live there life to the fullest.<br />
But i dont i panic i feel like getting out of class i just put my cold hands in my face to calm down,<br />
When ever i look at girls around me with high sconfidence i wish i was them care free.<br />
i notice i usually blush when im in school, not with my boyfriend or family unless i feel nurves or i panic.<br />

I have it to but not as extreme but it comes and it goes. When I feel that way i get really nervous and it just messes with my stomach and makes me have to go to the restroom it really ruins things i would like to enjoy in life I wanna learn how to get over it. Having social Anxiety has also led me to have a bathroom anxiety to its like a chain and I hate it :/ . It gets better when I go into talk to someone but after a year or so it all comes back slowly cause I forget how to calm my self and relax. But I dont wanna try to be happy and not worry and get nervous ya know. But try talking to some one and dont take pills cause its in the mind and you can get over it the mind it so weird and theres still so much we dont know about it but message me if u wanna talk

Hi. I just want to say, writing is a really relaxing way of venting, especially if you feel like there's no other way to deal with things. I definitely encourage you to continue! <br />
Also, it's sad that your husband doesn't understand what you're going through. Maybe he's just afraid to admit that you have a serious problem? Anyway, you should try to find somebody to support you if you can. It makes a big difference.