My Crippling Social Anxiety

Has turned me into a monster. Literally. It's so bad, I do not want to do anything with my life and just stay at home all day in bed. My depression is astronomical. I have turned away from all my friends for I am severely ashamed. My own family doesn't even know me. I have no one to turn to. Nobody. I hate my job. I'd love to go to school to land a job I like and is fulfilling, and makes decent money, but I am absolutely terrified of being in a classroom. All those people. I liken the way I feel to being stuck in hardened cement, like I can't move and make the positive changes towards a better, happier life. My condition has went from having a social anxiety disorder to an avoidant personality disorder. I'll do anything to avoid any situation where I may be judged or scrutinized in any way. I feel worthless and have zero self confidence. I am isolated and shut off from the world. My only social contact with people is when I'm at work and I do as little as possible to communicate with anyone, and when I do, I come off as an ******* as I'm brief and mostly just answer questions and don't really engage in conversation. I feel as though I'm losing my mind sometimes. I think there is some deep rooted problem, something traumatic that happened in my childhood. I feel weird, an outcast, and honestly don't see myself functioning as a normal, decent, happy, loving human being, ever. I'm on meds, I've seen doctors, and nothing really helps. What to do, where to go?????? The idea of picking up a telephone, doing anything beyond my comfort zone seems impossible. It really, really does. I just want to live in a dreamlike state and never awaken from. I don't want to feel pain, anxiety, depression, or sadness anymore.  I used to try and make the most of things.  There was a time when I had a life, a social life, friends.  I had my upbeat, positive moments despite my social anxiety and the things that came with it.  I felt there was a better future ahead of me.  Now all I see is sorrow and hurt and hate.  I am so completely detached from my emotions. I feel empty. 
unhappyfella unhappyfella
26-30
6 Responses Jun 9, 2011

@Wispen - Great analogy - it beyond aptly describes what having SA is like. And content is a wonderful place to be isn't it;)? <br />
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@Unhappyfella - I feel you completely man on the self-medicating and at finding a therapist who will amount to anything. Smoking is going probably going to make you more introverted and introspective than you already are - it did for me for sure. If you're having problems finding a therapist in your area who is actually going to do something for you and takes you insurance I can help - just drop a message with your provider, and take care.

Oh goodness, I understand. Start connecting with people here. Its a start, and as said before, small steps are key. I absolutely understand, you have no idea, I have also described my social anxiety as wet cement, and the longer I stay in the fear and avoidance position the harder it becomes to make even the smallest change. I have been there, and it takes those small daily efforts to eventually pull myself further away from that mental nightmare I'm sorry you are also experiencing, and it takes diligent effort for me to stay healthy after I have had a bad period so I won't slip back into the wet cement. I cannot say that I am a social butterfly with tons of friends, quite the opposite in fact. BUT, I am in a place where I am content, and going places, being around people, even having conversations isn't triggering anxiety for me nearly as much. If you need someone to talk to about this or anything, send me a message :)

Wow ive had felt a lot of the feelings you spoke about.. but not all at once. I am around people in social situations all the time..being a dj and musician. i often hide behind self medication( illegal) ill never take brain meds though...i believe they make you worse.. i wonder if you went on a trip to a place that speaks a different language..like mexico or europe. you wouldnt need to engage in conversation .. would it be easier for you to take walks around the city and just smile at everyone?

I've been self medicating with prescription drugs (you know it, I've tried it) to heavy amounts of alcohol and marijuana over the years, and nothing ultimately makes me feel better, just for the time being. As of now I've quit the alcohol and weening myself off the pot as I've had a few bad trips lately thinking about some REALLY negative/harmful thoughts. I live in South Florida where I encounter people all the time who don't speak my language, makes no difference... I just feel uncomfortable around 'em, knowing they may be judging me, criticizing me, etc.

Same here, but I'm not medicated. I didn't hear you mention anything about seeing a therapist, but you mentioned medication. Get yourself in to talk with someone as soon as possible. When people just take medication most expect the meds alone to fix them, and when they don't get more anxiety from the thought.<br />
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You have to learn how to be social; learn how to make small talk without sweating bullets and feeling like you're head is going to explode;) It's a skill that can be learned. <br />
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And as lame as it may sound, doing group therapy really helps. I know the thought of talking to strangers about something personal when you have a fear of people sounds nuts, but you will seriously benefit from it. Let us know how you're doing:)

I've seen two different therapists are two completely different phases of my life. I know I need to see another, and if that one isn't right for me, another until I find the right one to help me. My short-term goal for right now is to find a therapist who takes my insurance, pick up that phone, make the appt, and commit to it and take about my problems, let him/her know everything... and hopefully be on my way to recovery. Group therapy, sounds interesting I'll admit. I don't think I'll feel as nervous knowing everyone else is in the same boat as me. Thanks for the advice!

im in a similar position, lad. i am not in a position to offer advice, but i will say , keep in there son , keep in there!!! ive recently had my old dog put down, lost / packed in my job, in trouble with the law, my world was crashing down on me, but...... i am gradually making headway, not a lot , but as streaky 74 says " little steps". take care mate, i hope all works out for ya.

I'm trying yammie, but it is so ******* difficult. Thanks for the support.

little steps at a time.. that is how i deal with my social phobia...i still wont take some steps but that is ok cause i will get there when i am ready.. i wont lie is is hard an frustrating but if i can do it you can to i will be here for support if you need that support... :-)

Thanks for the kind words, streak.