Pretty Much Ruined Me In High School And College...

I'm 22 now and I've had s.a.(social anxiety) since I was a freshmen in highschool...uhm, I noticed that I didn't like being in public much because I felt like people were looking at me and judging me. I left my friends and I started hanging out more at the library now, every day...and I felt awkward being at the, I would...(I'm embarrased to say this...>_<...) I would always hang out in the restroom by myself during lunch...I never ate, I was too afraid to go out into public and get my own tray. I would get so hungry but I still wouldn't eat...I suffered so much, there would be times that I would cry because I felt so bad for myself, I was alone most of my middle school and high school years...all the way to college, I only went for 1 semester. I didn't have friends, never had a real boyfriend. I was pretty much a loner, I spent my whole days during lunch, by myself...just me and my solitude. I hated going to school every day, I had to deal with this every day...I would cry in the mornings cuz I didn't really want to go to school. But, I never let my parents see my pain and what I went through at school. I don't like to worry my, I never told them. I would feel embarrased when I would be seen by myself...some unknown people would ask me if i wanted to hang out with them but I would make up and excuse to not hang out with them...I was really quiet, so they might've thought that I would be boring. I didn't say a word...I was known as the quiet girl. Teachers would send comments about me in my progress reports to my parents that I needed to cooperate more in class and ask questions...but I felt like I couldn't, I was too shy. My s.a. messed me up...I was always thinking negative, I wanted to drop out of school in my sophomore year...I was even having suicidal thoughts. I just couldn't see the purpose of my life...I wanted to die! I never really lived my teenage years like everyone did...I was really different. I always saw everyone as better than me, I felt so left out. I felt like the only one at school with this problem...whenever I had to take the state tests at my school, I would panic days before it. I would worry about where they would sit me( I preffered sitting at the back in all my classes, so no one would see my severe nervousness) I couldn't stand anyone watching me while I would work on any class work or test...or in public, I couldn't stand it. I would get anxiety. My heart would beat so fast, I'd start hands would start getting sweaty, and I felt hot and cold at the same time. I would feel dizzy, too. I'd also get so tense, like I couldn't move. That made me feel more embarrased if people would look at me, I felt like they were thinking negative stuff about me or thought that something was wrong...or maybe I would think that they were making fun of me. It was really bad...It would just be better and easier if I could just avoid situations like that, but I couldn't. I prayed and I hoped that someday my s.a. would be gone, but that hasn't happened...I still deal with it today, it's a little less worse, and that's because I haven't been to places where it may be severe. I avoid them...but now, I feel somewhat different, though...for one thing, I don't really think negative so much anymore. I still have hope... When I go somewhere in public, I avoid eye contact. I don't try to look at anybody. I mind my own's a little hard, but I try. I still freak out at time but I let go of stuff that bother me...I try to have a good time without worrying about other people looking at me, if they're even looking at me. I don't worry so much mind goes blank. I hope for the best...and I won't let my s.a. bring me down. I won't let it stop me from being happy...
PunizhedZoul PunizhedZoul
22-25, F
7 Responses Oct 12, 2011

I know exactly what you feel. I felt like that for years. But I can tell you something that helped me. It's called behavior modification.
When you down and afraid, your body reacts accordingly. You slump, your head goes down,you breathe shallowly, you avoid eye contact and you (think) you hear voices being critical of you. BUT if you deliberately stand up straight, breathe deeply, put your shoulders back, the feelings will disapate .Why? Because you've changed your behavior, therefore you automatically change your feelings.
You have to practice it because it isn't your normal response. After awhile it becomes part of you and the solution will be permanent.

I feel like this is very similar to how I feel a lot of the time. Even the part about always staying by myself in the toilet and people asking me to hang out is also true for me. I feel like I never say the right things, I always feel like people are judging me because of the way I speak, because that's just how I feel, and also because people actually tell me that the way I speak and act and stand looks hostile and makes people think I suck. I don't know why. That's how I speak. I don't see how it's hostile or ugly or what. I'm ugly, but I can't change that. People think I'm weird.

But I'm sure that you, of all people, would understand how I feel when I'm asked to talk to someone and I can't, because whatever I say will always be wrong. I'm sure you understand how I feel when someone talks to me and I never know what to say so they think I'm standoffish.

That was a good article you wrote. I'm sure that you, like me, find it easier to write out whatever you think online, than to say it in real life.

Hopefully your anxiety gets better in the future. Wouldn't it be great to feel normal for once.

This is my old account. Oh, how I miss it!!! :,(

Lovely story,very similar to what am going through,It's very hard to hold on but i keep strong each day

you're not alone<br />
iam here with you<br />
<br />
though you far away<br />
iam here with you-):

Thanks, and nope...we're not alone.

hey its a song by michael jackson

Oh, yeah...just realized now that you told me, lol. I like that song.

I was quite similiar myself. I ate lunch in the bathroom, was terrified of boys, didn't date until I was 26......I am better now...

That's okay, what a relief. :)

A really beautiful story !<br />
My years at school were identical to yours, and just like you i couldnt speak to anyone about it.<br />
It became less of a problem once i finished school and found a job because i had more control of what i did and where i went and the new people in my life didnt have any clue about my past.<br />
But social anxiety is something ive come to accept as a part of my character, and as soon as i accepted it and stopped trying to change myself to satisfy others i became far more comfortable with my life and the way i live it.

Thanks! It was really hard for me to accept my anxiety before, and it sometimes is but, oh well...I think it's great that you became more comfortable in life. Good for you!