Alone But Not Alone
Whenever I am submersed in a group of people, I feel more alone than I do when I am actually alone. I can't remember when I haven't felt this way, it seems like forever. I don't know how to feel any differently. I feel like I'm pinned to a wall, using all the energy I have to take my next breath of air. I feel like everyone is staring at me even though the reality is they probably don't even know I exist. My gaze becomes fixated on some distant point in the room as everything around me starts spinning. Voices sound far off, no conversation seeming to hold any real meaning. Perhaps my name is called out, I jump, startled as ever, no knowledge of the context in which it was used. When I start to respond, sweat pours from my forehead and my hands clam up. More often than not I fail to remember what I actually said, only being left with a vague understanding that some audible sounds flowed off my lips. I sink back into my seat, hoping to fall back into my trance until the crowd dissipates, and I can once again be alone with myself.