Alone But Not Alone

Whenever I am submersed in a group of people, I feel more alone than I do when I am actually alone. I can't remember when I haven't felt this way, it seems like forever. I don't know how to feel any differently. I feel like I'm pinned to a wall, using all the energy I have to take my next breath of air. I feel like everyone is staring at me even though the reality is they probably don't even know I exist. My gaze becomes fixated on some distant point in the room as everything around me starts spinning. Voices sound far off, no conversation seeming to hold any real meaning. Perhaps my name is called out, I jump, startled as ever, no knowledge of the context in which it was used. When I start to respond, sweat pours from my forehead and my hands clam up. More often than not I fail to remember what I actually said, only being left with a vague understanding that some audible sounds flowed off my lips. I sink back into my seat, hoping to fall back into my trance until the crowd dissipates, and I can once again be alone with myself.
PlastikShadow PlastikShadow
3 Responses Feb 7, 2012

Alone in a crowd......yes.....I do know that feeling. Very seldom do I feel lonely when I'm alone. Among a crowd the loneliest feeling is not being comfortable around these people. The feeling of not quite fitting in. Whether it's real or imagined, it's very unpleasant. I do love my online friends however. It must be that the distance keeps out the fear factor, and therefore there are no negative emotions associated with them.

I completely agree, I'm the same way. I've met so many great people over the internet. For me a big part is my inability to read people's emotion and expression and react properly with my own (verbally and expression). I never know when someone is joking or serious, but I take everything seriously. Every time I end up embarrassed when they have to explain it wasn't a serious statement.

I relate to this completely--the closest I get to feeling lonely is when I'm surrounded by people.

Thank you, it's great not feeling like I'm the only one that feels like this.

Yes, same goes for me. I'd rather be alone than be in a crowd. We really ought to do something about our body's fight-or-flight response.

I wish I knew where to begin with a solution, it's terribly discouraging to me. I never thought of it as a fight-or-flight, but it really does feel like I'm being attacked without a single word or action. I try to prepare myself but no matter what I do, I get the same result. Have you been able to find anything that helps, even in the least bit?

No, I sure wish though people would understand me. I try sometimes to approach people and try to converse. Sometimes, it's awkward, sometimes, it's okay. People say we have to relax and just jump right in and face our fears. It is a bit hard though.