Feeling LonelyI am 21 years old and I now understand that I have social anxiety. I was always shy and Meeting new people was always a trouble. When I was younger I always wanted to fit in with the other girls in my class but I always had this little voice in my head that told me that it was a bad idea. I was afraid of approaching them because I thought they would reject me and I would feel humiliated. The school I went to as a child was a primary and highshool which ment I would be with the same people until I graduate. I went Through my whole school life and I never approached them and they never approached me because they most likely thought I was a snob and an anti-social person. Till this day I haven't made a close friend. When I left school I tried a couple of tafe courses. I tried hard to make friends there but whenever it was my turn to say something I would freeze up and I wouldn't know what to say back. My mind would go all over the place and I'll be having a small panic atack.
I now have a job in myer (a large retail store) every customer I speak to sends my heart rate flying faster and faster. I've been there almost a year and only there have been very slight changes. I could greet my co-workers without trembling and without panicking. My managers really looks likes she trying to get to know me but even with the knowledge that she likes me and wants to be my friend I still get nervous when she comes up to talk to me. I practically mumble my replies back because i get so nervous and shy that I forget how to put a proper sentence together. I still struggle to speak with her. Deep down I think she knows I have some social disorder because she pushes ever one else to practice having better customer service but she doesn't pressure me or gives me the same speech as everyone else. I did make a few friends but I dnt speak much. They do all the talking I just put a few very short answers here and there. And our relationship is only evident at work. As in I only ever see them when we r working together. Except for one because she catches the train home with me. That's one hour of being constantly anxious of embarrassing myself.
I feel kinda shamed that I'm 21 and I haven't got a friend that I could share things with to have fun go out with. I'm always at home. Imagining a world where I wasn't socially awkward and I had a whole group of friends that enjoy my company. Why can't I talk to everyone the way I speak to my family. 21 years I've lived and I haven't managed a 2 minute proper conversation with anyone other than my family. Shouldnt I have learnt how to conversate with people by now.