It Makes Me Angry

Its logically unsound. I am not in any danger of harm. But the longer I stay in the worse it gets. And I have been inside the house except to go to the convenience store across the street for months and months. I don't when was the last time I went to the grocery store and stocked up on proper food. For Gods sake, I take a taxi there and back. I am shielded. I went out today and I got all tense inside. I hate people seeing me. Today was odd too. I waved at an older guy who lives in a house across from the convenience store/gas station. I've done that a couple times before...I think I started it,. He and an older woman sit outside and watch everything go by....and I guess I can relate and I feel bad for them. So he knows me(probably by my black clothes and hat). But when I left the store, he started to walk down the street toward me when I got on the other side. I said it was nice weather today. He said yeah. I walked to my house, down the path to my porch. I looked out the corner out of my eye and he was there and he kind of stood there then turned around back the other way. Eeek! Silly man followed me? Unnerved me a bit. 
Anyhow, I take two meds for anxiety and I still feel impending doom and fright. I don't know what to do. I see my psych nurse on the 15th. My ex-roommate took Buspar for anxiety. I've never tried that. It's more of a subtle ongoing med...not like benzos. Which are nice but they make you sleepy. I just want to be on an even keel and not feel like I did today. Summer is coming and I want to go walking and not spend it inside. My mind is reacting like a prehistoric survivor when things are not THAT bad. :)
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18 Responses May 1, 2012

This is interesting. I quit taking any meds about 3 years ago, mainly because they caused me so much physical harm. I think I'm doing ok. I don't go out much; I just don't want to be around people. I don't have a fear of going out and I don't have a fear that someone might hurt me. I am uncomfortable in crowds; I feel like I can't breathe. I moved far enough away from everyone I knew that no one has come to see me for almost a year. It's kinda nice - just me and my dogs (they keep me busy enough). Since my "meltdown", I've felt I'd like to recover the real me, the one I've spent most of my life suppressing so I could deal in the "real world"; pretty much the person my mother never liked. She was almost within my grasp a few times in the last few months - a fleeting memory; a taste, a smell, a feeling. This is the choice I made - I knew what I was doing. I haven't had any anxiety problems, except when I'm found myself in a conflict situation; and then I just turned around and went home.

I've been on the meds for a while. They help, but to an extent. They're just meds after all. I really recommend finding a good therapist. I've been seeing one for almost a year and the therapy sessions have really helped me. I know I am on the verge of overcoming my anxiety.

i feel for you because i have anxiety as well as ocd i first tried busbar but it did not help now i use clonopin and paxil and i am doing much better ,talk with your doctor and see what he or she says good luck i wish you a speedy recovery vinny

I have bad social anxiety.... but by far the best medicene that is avalible is excersize!!! Im on a break from it and followuing back into olde habits again, so it just shows how powerfull it is.<br />
<br />
Take care

I am so sorry you;re going through this. I have anxiety about excercising upstairs where my dad is and I think it's because I'm sensitive to the judgemental things he says sometimes but I try to tell myself that I need to excercise especially in the depressed state I am lately. I really need my privacy though. He usually leaves me alone when I;m upstairs but sometimes I can just feel he dissaproves oh literally everything I do. I'm vegan and like to do yoga in the livingroom and he insessantly listens/watches Fox "news channel" weare complete opposites in many ways. I believe in protecting animals and he puts their heads on the wall. I love him but don't like him very much. I cannot afford to get a place of my own however. I feel for you!

I don't know if I can ever help you. , but I am a stranger. Who would like to be a friend. Maybe just to talk. I promise i do not bit, i do have a friendly ear to listen, maybe you do not want a person who can not understand you, but if your willing to try a friendship, and you decide later not to continue , I will understand . Try my friendship<br />
You have nothing to loose except a few words.

I can completely relate to what you've written. Not that I am victim/Prisoner of it now, but there was a period in my life where it was a serious problem. For me, I experienced those same intense feelings when I was in my early twenties. I actually avoided going to family parties, that is how strongly I felt about being Surrounded by others.<br />
At some point shortly there after, I took employment in an atmosphere that (A) I felt comfortable to be in (B) it forced me to be socially active. Feeling comfortable was the key component to my equation. Then I met a woman, who fell for me in every way...therefore, she stuck with me in every sense, and made a valiant effort to "recalibrate" my sensory input. She in a way, taught me to peacefully coexist amongst "others". My life changed WITHOUT any medicine. I am not like I was 15 years ago, although I may have my occasional glitches. Currently, I still am not terrible fond of overstimulating environments. I certainly am not very receptive to random unsolicited touching. And to a certain degree, I still may choose a less social personal schedule.<br />
<br />
But, I get you! Because I've lived it. That over barring feeling that all that extra-sensory environmental activity will just engulf me whole...swallow my entire soul. It's was just too much.<br />
<br />
To supplement my current increase in active days/nights...I still keep my pulse on my roots. Just because I like that/those settings...I go for walks regularly, it helps. I also go to yoga, it's quiet'd like it, so try it. In general, I like quiet areas, with only a few folk.<br />
But, if you create a comfortable environment. Put people in it that support you. You'll be surprised as to how far you can remove your self from your current status.

I have Post-traumatic stress disorder.....It's tough out there in the real world...But I cope.Even though I am pretty f...up at times.Since I retired it has been harder for me to leave the house every day.Just sort of get into a rut that is harder to climb out of.

Hi Kittychanel..I think a lot have touched on what this might be called, or that it is difficult, or HOW these fears take over..they repeat, stay, reinforce themselves..etc...I think another thing might be WHY get to the WHY you are feeling very nervous/tense when out is also key- this is what I've been probing and putting under the microscope with my own generalized anxiety for the past 5 years...and in the past year, when I really saw the WHY ..I began to see the lies, irrational things I've seen or been taught ..etc, and that started to lead me on a clearer, truer path..I only JUST started to realize that with my various (very deep , anxiety producing) fears, all of them were caused by my thinking I was less than others..that I was not as 'worthy' ..or that others had/have power over me, that I am helpless. So in those lies, I began 5 years ago, entering a hellish prison, to SUBCONSCIOUSLY seek some sort of control- avoiding those fears to have 'control'....but when we avoid it MORE..IT is taking control over us..the fear. I also experience ptsd, so even about a week ago, I was out, taking a walk, and felt some people nearby..I looked over my shoulder, to see that everything was' ok'....and I thought, right there, "I'm becoming a slave to "checking", to being /knowing "safe"..." I , for once, let it out of my mind, continued walking with a CONSCIOUS knowing of letting my mind completely clear...and say **** it all- <br />
When I did that, I in the next few minutes, felt so calm , at ease, and , woooow- more in "control" than when I was looking all around...Looking around-THAT was me becoming /feeling' out ' of control..even though we think if we just do this/that, it will secure us, but DOING that, in itself, doesn't. <br />
So I guess another thing is I said to myself last year, why is everyone else worthy of just lettin loose, being calm, free..and not ME?? we are all physically and scientifically proven, connected. SO, are u different?? NOPE!!! Am I ..?? NOPE!!! 99.99 % of the time we will be JUST fine :) Don't see people as others..see them as you- I started to do that, and it over time HAS worked:) I'm not saying it is some cure in the next day..but try that....knowing no one can hurt you, knowing you are them....or 'they' (he, she ) is you....does this make any sense?? wow, I am Sorry if I wrote too much..argh!! Hope you have great evening - and chat any time too;)

What you describe makes me think of Agoraphobia. I have a cousin who has rather similar experiences and difficulties. There are not easy solutions, and the anxiety is very real. It is not something you can simply wish away or "wo(man) up to" as some who never have such experiences might say to you. Personally I think it is innate neurological wiring, and there is little even medications can do to influence that other than symptoms. We did have some limited success with trying certain perceptual deception strategies though.

Perception deception is actually the opposite. The idea is if one cannot directly perceive the environment, one's anxiety will not be triggered. A crude or simple way to imagine it, at least in respect to Agoraphobia, is to use a blindfold to go out in public.

That is a good example actually. I believe foundationaly it is neurologically structural in origin. This has much to do with why no form of so called "psychological counseling" has effect, and why medication that globally suppress or alter neurological response have some limited effect, though at quite a large cost to normal functioning. Hence the goal of perception deception is simply to avoid those perceptions that will trigger those pre-programmed neurological responses.

I suspect most are ancestral. For a primate living on the plains of Africa, or even earlier, Lemurs, being in an open space without a nearby tree would by definition be rather dangerous. Such automatic and pre-programmed anxiety to such situations would have made much sense as a survival trait then.

well kitty my dad suffers from anxiety or always has done he is mid fifties.<br />
he hates being closed in he wont get in a lift wont get on a plane he gets tight chest <br />
pains.after some alcohol his threshold goes up but not very much.<br />
he is a thinker and i have it too,im taking citalapram for depression i have seen <br />
a psycholgist too i hate too the outside world.EP is nice because we are tucked up<br />
at home on our computers and we are almost dissapearing from society buts thats <br />
because yes the outside world scares me and i dont know where or who i am as well<br />
i admit im wasting away in my home but i do not want to go out or socialize or anything

Oh, Kitty, I am quite like that. Last Saturday, my husband and I were in a bakery and it was full. Someone innocently bumped me and I flew into a full blown panic attack. Those poor people and my poor husband. I have nevr cried and screamed so much. He got me outside with the help of an older gentleman and got my meds into me. I saw my physichiatrist yesterday and he upped my Seroquel. I am to go back next Tuesday. He wanted me to go into the hospital, but I've been there and I don't want to be around anyone and they want you to go to these groups and I do not want to do that. My daugher despises me and her little boy, the one with me in my avatar, is in serious trouble. He's four and he bit me and hit me and made bruises which are still evident as I showed them to my doc. My daugher said it was my fault. I do not care what she says, the child needs help. She has never enjoyed him and he still does not know how to color. She never taught him anything. The school is in is really helping him, but the ex husband is $1,000.00 behind in payments. My husband and I tried telling her last night that we had told my doc these things and that he said the boy MUST be under mental care. Well, she hung up on me and didn't like what my husband had to say, so here I am slowly going nuts, even on meds. What a mess.

Have you tried any herbal therapy ? Scullcap is a great herb for nervousness and anxiety.Valerian is great for sleep,as is chamomile,passion flower and hops. Depression can be helped with citrus aroma therapy essential oils ,vitamin C and vitamin D.Sometimes there is too much reliance on drugs.xx

hi my friend as you know i have high anxiety buspar does not help at all clonopin helps me for others xanax helps others i use paxil as well between the paxil and clonopin they help with my anxiety and ocd. find what is best for you i feel for you its a ***** i know vinny

thanks hun hope you get what is best for you

your story really moved me, because many years ago i suffered from this myself. it took over my life for about 8 years, and i had always been a very out going person, so it was a wrench. i had other phobias before,.but this was the most devastating. i had counselling, did alot of mind control techniques and i haven't suffered for many years now. just wanted you to know there are many out there who suffer, i didn't know that..i thought i was mad. NO one can understand unless they have experienced this paralyses your life and holds you back from following your dreams. counselling really helped me, although it took time..i became stronger and even ended up laughing at myself for my irrational fears. but i had to get help to get over it, i hope you will get some support real soon.. thinking of you.

"Maria Warner" works for me. Why its illegal is beyond me. I can't make much sense of anything in this insane world anymore.

I know what you mean. Its just these doctors give out meds that are far more dangerous to me. Just this fools opinion.LOL

It's not a fear without basis. You're telling yourself it's not logical, but on some level it actually is. I too suffer from anxiety. The most progress I've seen so far with it is actually admitting to myself that there are plenty of reasons to be afraid (but none of them that serious in the big picture). I took that to it's root and learned the worst thing that can happen (in my view and I suppose in many people's view) is death, which is also the best thing that can happen considering it's the worst (if you follow me, I'm applying sorcery here). There are things that are pretty bad, like being kidnapped and tortured for example, in this situation the best thing that can happen is death. It will happen anyway, which is a release if it's a bad situation. So, if even the worst thing can be a blessing then by extension there's really not much to worry about, other than remembering to boldly face that which you used to be afraid of so that you can feel good about yourself. What I was told by a guy who knows what he's on about is: you have no control anyway, but you have a choice of what you do in your life. The 'anxiety' will always be present as an 'idea' or a 'noise in the background of your mind', you can choose to disregard it or adopt it as a part of who you are (it is possible to learn to do both with considerable effort). In either case examine it thoroughly and decide what you're going to do anyway, despite the fact that it's there. Over time it will begin to give up, you'll become stronger (by putting yourself out there) and it will diminish to a more sensible level.

The fear isn't without basis but the severity of the fear is.

Neither the fear nor severity of the fear can have a basis on what doesn't exist to hold on to. Both are a temporary thing when you bring transition and death into the equation. Even the worst thing that you believe can happen to you is only temporary then. These ideas may or may not help others, but I offer them anyway as a clear look into the mind and a possible way forward.

Battlefield of the mind, agree that anxiety is a b----, but you choose to let it control you or you control it, we are born to die, so I'm gonna live and if I leave tomorrow, thank you Lord for what I had, it's been great cause without the pain couldn't appreciate the joy!!

{{{{hugs}}}}<br />
my sister recently was started on 'abilify'. it has only been a few days but so far she has had no complications and seems to be feeling better. i will keep you posted.