I'm Scared.

I am scared to leave my house. I hate being me. I can't even look at myself. I try to look at myself and tell me that I'm worth everything in the world and that I'm beautiful and intelligent but I don't believe it at all.
Since I was 12 or 13 years old, I loved people. I loved going out places, and I hated being home. March of 2010, I was raped. That ruined me. Then I started smoking, getting into drugs, NEVER coming home, always arguing with people, especially my family, and everything just fell apart.
I moved away from where I was and I was ok the first year here, I had gotten better. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after going through a little bit of therapy. I was prescribed Prozac but I never took it more than 5 times. I quit the therapy, I believed I could get better on my own, which I eventually did.
Now since December of 2011, I've developed this scared feeling around other people. It's continuously getting worse everyday. It's at the point where I don't want to be around other family, like my dad's. My parents are divorced. I'm just afraid of people. I get nervous, I shake, I sweat, I feel faint and dizzy, I feel like I can't swallow and my stomach is in a big knot when I'm out somewhere. I'm doing everything I can to avoid going out in public.
I want to go to therapy again, I know it's the best thing right now. But I would have to meet a new therapist and go to brand new places. And I'm willing to try, I'm just scared shitless.
haleyleeaann haleyleeaann
18-21, F
2 Responses May 17, 2012

Except for your personal story which you are very brave for explaining I know exactly how you feel. <br />
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I too need to get some help, but with social anxiety I'm afraid, I hardly ever work I have times where I just want to get away from everything, and make it point to not talk or get noticed. <br />
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For the past years ive been at home staying in as much as its healthy to, and its only made it worse... so I must take baby steps little by little to get at least a level where I can talk to my family or get a job or even something simple as getting things at a store. I am just to scared to talk to a new therapist(last one wasn't to helpful) meeting people is scary and I have such horrible symptoms when I try.<br />
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My advice is try not to think of being with others, try not to force yourself to do anything to crazy, just LET IT BE do your best make small efforts to get yourself back to a level you can be yourself again. I think I try to hard and then brood and whine about how I didn't go out and be social, but when i just let it be do my best and good things come, you meet people, the best thing is just to have no expectations, and just try your best, its hard I am so depressed by my social anxiety but I keep trying and I keep take small steps to help myself mostly just stick to it, don't get lazy but also don't force yourself to far out of your comfort zone, just small steps, small things will add up.

Yes definitely social anxiety is so hard because your afraid of what you need to do, be social, be yourself, and really just do the normal everyday things you see everyone else doing so easily. But taking small steps, having no expectations of you or anyone, and just doing little things to get yourself out there, sometimes you don't need to be social in order to help yourself with social anxiety just doing what you love, or any mental or psychical activity that boost your mind can help you little by little.

It's great that you're willing to try, and that you recognize that you need to try - just recognizing it is a huge step. What I've learnt from therapists, is that they usually tell you to not avoid situations you're anxious and scared about. Avoidance never fixes anything, and sometimes you need to face your fears to fix the issue. I'm learning and trying to do this - it's working; slowly, but surely. Give it a go, even if you don't get far. Take small steps at a time, and no matter how big or small that step is, it's an achievement and has taken courage. Best of luck, and I hope things get better for you!