The Illness Of Lost Opportunities

I am a man of few words lately.
Alot has been bothering me recently but i've tried keeping it out of my mind and not talking about it and doing stuff that i enjoy.

However, there are momments when i can't hide from it.

I am going to university and i feel very afraid about that..i've always had social anxiety, always been afraid of coming into contact with people i dont know and going out and everything. There is no way to stop it, i've tried and no matter what i do or what i tell myself, i will always be afraid and i just have to take that as part of who iam and stop seeing my social phobia as being something ican just cut out.

However i am afraid of going to university, of being in a new situation and being with new people. I'm scared that i'm going to just mess everything up, that i'll be judged or i wont like it or it will be horrible there and i'm dreading going to this meeting thing i have on wednesday. Its my choice to go to it, but i feel so freaked out, i can't calm myself at all and its been making me feel depressed lately..

i wish i wasn't afraid..but i am, and there doesn't seem to be anything i can do about it but i dont want to live in fear for all my life. they call it, the illness of lost  opporunities. that is very accurate in describing what social anxiety disorder is. My family and friends dont believe i have it. They think i am just a bit shy and everyone is like that. But that isn't the case. the only people i feel comfortable aroudn is my family and thats just because i am with them all the time. i hate parties, i couldn't go to one even if it was filled with my friends.

i am a coward. there is no way to avoid this fact about me, i am a coward when it comes to socialising. it limits me, i know i could do so much more. be so much more. i want  to be a writer, an author. I know i am good enough, better than most..but i'm too afraid of what people will think about me and what i write. i live in a cage of doubt, shame, fear and both self loathing and a loathing of others. and no one sees it, i dont allow them to see it.  i try to pretend that i am not nervous when talking to people, and sometimes i'm really not, when its in the momment.

in fact, suprisingly, i gave the best presentation in my class, i was nervous before i did it and no one else looked nervous, yet when they got up they became instantly nervous..for me it was the opposite. i guess actually being in the momment helps. Its everything before that. my overthinking and imagination doesn't help either.

i just wish that i didn't live in this cage of mine. i wish i could truly feel like i am living, rather than merely existing. i wish that even if i can't socalise as all the extroverts seem to do, to at least abandon myself in my writing..
lmpulsive lmpulsive
22-25, M
3 Responses Sep 1, 2012

I'm a 19 yr old Male. You have NO idea how what you said applies to me. Every single word, sentence, interest is ME. I think you may be an INFJ like me.
Sometimes I try and act mucho. And keep quiet so people don't see how fragile i am.
Sometimes I think its coz i did not grow up with a father. Other times i think i just need prayers. Thank you for your sharing.

I understand completely and very understandable. I am an artist and it hasn't exactly paid the bills yet, that doesnt bother me, I feel I suffer from a broken heart because of not recieving love but have given so much. maybe too much and it puts people off, so hang in there and never give up on being you-mike

I have so many thoughts after reading this. Mainly, I've been there, (spent about 2/3'rds of my life there, actually) and even now, I still have to push past the fear and stop listening to the negative self-doubting thoughts that bombard me anytime I have to be in a social group setting. <br />
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It's unfortunate that you seem to have decided that it has to be this way, that you're a coward, and so forth. I won't say that I know the answer for you because everyone is different. What works for me could be useless to you, but I've found that when it comes to fear, we really are our own worst enemy. "There is nothing to fear but fear itself.."<br />
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I've recently gotten through a huge hurdle in this regard. I haven't worked in over 2 years as a result of having a new baby and being a stay at home/homeschooling mom. For months, I wanted to go back to work but I got a lot of negative feedback from my family (mainly my parents) reinforcing my fears and causing me to believe that this (my current situation) is as good as it gets. Well eventually, I decided that I can't accept that. I started applying at jobs that I knew (or at least that I thought) I probably couldn't get ba<x>sed on my lack of recent work experience, my lack of any academic college history and on and on and on. But soon enough, I got calls back and I ended up with the job I wanted. <br />
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Moral of the story? Don't listen to the negative. When you listen it long enough, even inside your own head, you start to believe it. Once you start to believe it, you stop trying to fight it.. and then you're stuck feeling defeated and hopeless. <br />
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Don't do it to yourself. You're capable of more than you're giving yourself credit for.