I Don't Want To Be Like This Anymore...

For as long as I can remember i've been anxious. It started in kindergarten, I would cry and shake when my parents dropped me off for school. I was so scared of people. In fifth grade it began to get worse, I would throw up before school every single day. I couldn't get myself together, and my parents didn't understand what was wrong with me and neither did the teachers. I Went to a private catholic school K-8. & i received NO support. Finally in 6th grade my parents got me to a psychiatrist who told me i had social and separation anxiety. she prescribed me medication which helped me for awhile and then ended up causing me serious health problems. I almost failed middle school because I could never calm down enough to stay in school or do my homework. When i got to highschool things got even worse I could barely stay in a classroom because i was SO anxious. it was my first time at a public school which didn't help matters any. I begin to skip school and i got into drugs. I would self medicate just so i would calm down enough to stay in school. skipping school was getting me in a lot of trouble at home. my anxiety, drug abuse, and emotions got so out of control i became suicidal. i ended up trying to commit suicide twice and ended up in a behavioral hospital. It caused my anxiety to go through the roof because i was away from home for weeks at a time and surronded by people i didn't know. i ended up being but on medication and going home and back to school. I got back into drugs and failed my freshman year completley, all because classrooms and students make my anxiety horrible. i ended up being homeschooled the next year, i got decent grades and everything was pretty good. until i got so comftorable being at home i could barely leave my house without hyperventalating. i NEVER wanted to do anything. I got a therapist and things started to get a little better. I got my first job, and it made me so uncomfortable i worked there for maybe 3 weeks and quit because i couldn't quit being anxious. I got so far behind in school i dropped out. which leads me to where i am today. I got another job, which was going pretty well until recently. you see, schools back in session and even though i'm not in school i've been sick for two weeks with anxiety just because its back to school season and it's like my body is expecting me to go back to school so i'm freaking out all the time. & my mom has beenn pressuring me to get my GED, but i'm so scared. I haven't been to work in two weeks because my anxiety has been causing me to throw up every day. I'm afraid to lose my job. I'm also afraid i will never lead a normal life because my anxiety causes me to quit everything i start. I don't know what to do anymore. this has been my whole life. & i'm just read for it to stop. anxiety is ruining my life.
savemex3 savemex3
18-21, F
3 Responses Sep 19, 2012

Hm, thats so strange. In your case you always had anxiety, and drug use would 'help' ease that. In my case I was 'fine', and then after a couple months of smoking pot I had suddenly developed full blown social anxiety similar to what you described. That was eight years ago now, and things have gotten much better. Once its there I dont think it ever "goes away', and I think that accepting that is the first step in the right direction. But you do have control over you. You just gotta own it. :]

I'm sorry your anxiety interferes with your daily life. I have social anxiety too. I don't go places much anymore. Just going to the store sends me into anxiety!
Have you thought about trying a new hobby to help you cope? I use coping tools to help my anxiety, like journaling.
I see a therapist too and he's helping me quite a bit.

Hang in there.

I thought I also had it bad, but you have gone through hell I assume. I'm very sorry that you suffer from this like the rest of us but give it some patience, please promise me you'll give it some patience. Trust me you are going to find someone worth living for and they will make you happy as can be and you'll be in a totally different state of mind. I'm taking slow steps also and am getting better so you owe it to the people you inspired with your life story to do the same. Plus you will help so many people when you come back on this site and say you are an extremely happy person when you are cured. This is a very long comment, sorry, lol and there will be rewards for hard work at this and patience. I wish you a wonderful speedy recovery!!