The Little Annoyances

Ugh, those awkward moments when you attempt to have a normal conversation and end up tripping all over your words because you're so afraid of being judged as different, and through trying too hard, end up being seen as different. This happens to me with every interaction i have with people. It's gotten to the point where i'm not listening to what they're even saying because i'm so focused on how i'm coming across and trying to study what they're thinking of me -sigh-, it's exhausting being me.

I hate it when it happens at work. There's no avoiding those moments. They get etched into your perceived public persona, for everyone to judge you on as the socially awkward one.

I can deal with it out in public, at least i can take comfort in the fact i will never see them again (hopefully). Like when you go to the movies and the guy says, "enjoy your movie." But you're too focused on having a normal back and forth interaction that you just give one of your back-up programmed lines that don't require too much thought when you're put on the spot, ".. you too," i reply. UGHHH! The walk to the theatre is now a walk of shame.

It happened to me the other day at McDonalds. I make it a habit to not make eye contact with whoever is serving me at the window.

1. Because i believe i may be looking at them too long, or not doing it appropriately, like staring at them while i'm getting change handed to me, or not realizing the social norm is meant to be just a quick glance then just drive on... i don't know, but i'd rather avoid it altogether.

2. Seeing the person, makes me start wondering what they're thinking of me which makes me over think what i'm doing and not concentrating on what i'm actually doing.

Best not to get into that hassle just to pay for a damn burger, but i made that mistake on Saturday and when he said, "See ya." I was about to drive off, but went into panic over my reply... I went to say, "see ya," but my mind battled with saying something else and it just became, "see."

That's not that bad, but when you have anxiety the whole way home becomes, "UGHHHHH!!!!!" Of cringe-worthyness where i can't even look myself in the mirror i feel like such an idiot. Hopefully he just thought i was like mexican or something...

None of this is a big deal, i'm sure it happens to people without anxiety as well. But this is typically an everyday thing where i'll screw up even the slightest of interactions. Today i'm gonna battle it out with a co-worker over work place bullying, god help me, if i can't even manage speaking to a cashier at mcdonalds.
Tippitoe Tippitoe
22-25, F
2 Responses Dec 6, 2012

I can totally relate... Its like you are trying so hard to not look stupidand look normal that you make yourself look stupid. This happens to me in almost every situation. Constantly worrying about what your gonna say and what they are going to think of you.

Haha I know x) damn anxiety

I used to be like that for long. Until one day I just thought **** what everyone thinks. You will never be able to control anyone else's thoughts. You can only control your own so concentrate on your own & I know that feeling when you think you're being judged or something most of the time its just imagination even though it feels realistic. Basically keep the motto **** what other people think, only you truly know yourself oh and God... So Only God can judge us not anyone else&also accept your anxiety that will help it get better :) good luck . and remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ;)

Thanks for the reply, it's much appreciated you took the time out to read it and comment :) I do have that attitude, in fact it's the little things like that i use as an example to laugh at my anxiety for the silly things that cause it. I try to keep that attitude towards the bigger things, but luckily something big around the corner will happen to cause me to forget the last big one, and that's how i get by, haha x)

Oh ye and also you should just speak to a counsellor. If he/she is good they will help you, don't let them give you any drugs though because you could get addicted to it and it has side effects.

I've seen plenty of counsellors in my time, i don't find they really do much and they said their aren't too many drugs to help. I've tried anti-depressants, but i didn't want to become dependent on them so after a week i stopped. I just accept my anxiety now, it sucks, but i've learnt to live with it since i don't know anything else ^_^