My Story About Living With Sad

Hi, Here is part of my life that I would love to get off my chest. Im sorry it is kind of long and there are some spelling errors because I was going through it fast.

I am currently in my first semester of college and my social anxiety has started to affect my life, I want to change it but I don't know how. I've always been shy even though in childhood I was a little more outgoing. When I got to high school the first two years were fine, I made friends and stuck with them, for as long as i remember I have had a fear of people judging me so while my friends were making new friends and talking to others I never did. All I ever talked to was the 4 friends I had and if I didnt have anyone in one of my classes I never talked to anyone. I dreaded having to work in groups because I couldn't just walk up to people and ask to work with them and I felt that if I worked alone my teacher would say something or kids would judge me.Also making presentations infront of the class terrified me. Even though the first two years were stressful for me at times because of the public speaking and group work I got through it with not much problem. The time I really realized that something was wrong with me was my senior year. One day in english we were taking turns reading. I have never been the best reader but I am surely not the worst I would say that I probably read a year behind my class. I have always been alittle nervous when I was asked to read infront of the class because I was afraid that if i didnt know how to pronounce a word people would judge me, even the words that everyone in my class wouldn't know how to prononce I had to know what they were before I started reading. So when they were reading I am always a paragragh ahead to pick out hard worked and learn how to pronounce them just in case I was called on. This technque has worked well for me and I would be able to read just fine, that is until my english class that day when he called on me to read. I had already read the paragraph and I was comfident but when I started to read my body started to act strangly. My eyes were getting blurry, my voice was shaking and I couldnt stop it, and worst of all I couldn't breath, I felt like I just ran a marathon. I could not catch my breath which ment it was hard to read I kept having to stop and take a deep breath. I had never had this happen before and I scared me. Since that day it has only gotten worse. When ever im called on in classes, or I have a presentation I have the same reaction, It is getting to the point where i have skipped my english class in order to avoid possably having to read out loud. When A teacher asks a question out loud and I know the answer I cant answer it because I am afraid it will be wrong and I will look stupid. Really any social event makes me anxious but some I can get past. I cant join a club because I am worried about not knowing anyone. I can ask for help because im afraid of looking stupid. When im walking down the hall I usually look at the floor or have my phone handy in case someone I know walks by that im not best friends with because im afraid that if I say hi they will think im wierd, or that they are mad at me and I dont know it. It has come to the point where alot of people think that I am rude or mad at them but in reality its my anxiety. Im always thinking of my someone is mad at me or what i said to make myself look stupid, or make them not like me. I hate making phone calls to places like the dentist or my admissions office because I am afraid of them thinking Im stupid. I usually have my mom make my phone calls for me. When I am in the hall and I see people laughing and wispering to each other I automatically think they are taking about me and that they hate me. Even if I know it is irrational and that thye dont know me so how could they hate me? my brain still thinks oh well they heard something you did from a person you do know and now they hate you. My brain doens't stop I am constintly thinking of what could happen, what people are doing/saying, and what I did wrong. People don't understand what its like to live like this. I wish I would change it but I just dont know how. I was thinking about seeing my counceler here at my university ut when she asked me which date I wanted to meet I didnt respond I thought that she had better things to do, or that she doesnt deal with people with social anxiety so when I go I will look stupid.

Thank you for taking the time to read alittle about my life:)
mghsarah mghsarah
18-21, F
2 Responses Dec 8, 2012

Omg, i can totally relate. It's funny when i read social anxiety stories, 'cause i think people with this,tend to isolate themselves and believe they're the only ones who feel this way. Go and speak to your counsellor, and remember it's her job to listen and make time for you. Get your feelings out to someone who will listen, because although it may not fix what your feeling, it gives you insight to know that some of what you are feeling isn't true (like people whispering about you, being mad or not having the time). Sometimes you just need to hear it from another person, because people with anxiety tend to be their own worst enemy.

I have felt everything you described and I know how hard it is. Are you getting any medical help? If not, please don't wait as long as I did.