This World Changed Me

I've always been very shy since before I went to preschool. All those years which by now are starting to feel pointless. Did I have to live those years? Because to me they seemed like a waste.

For a few months I've been feeling hopeless, not caring much about things, except, of course, of what other people will think of me. A few nights I've cried myself to sleep because I couldn't think of a purpose for anything.

School is horrible for me. I worry constantly and my panic attacks occur more than once every day, aside from the other symptoms I feel almost all the time.

There's also my face. In school I make it as bland and expressionless as possible. You won't think I'm an emotional person at first glance, but if you are unphased by my act and try to find out the reason why I'm so quiet, or why I look sad, the tears come right away. It's as if they're ready to be let out because I feel them on my cheeks in just a few seconds, while I'm asking myself why I'm showing this weakness to everyone.

I used to want a relationship, to be happy with someone else, but I don't care much about them anymore. I want to know what love feels like, but I'll never have the chance to.
modernethic308 modernethic308
22-25, M
2 Responses Jan 13, 2013


I have spent first 25 years of my life in Pakistan and all those years suffered from Social Phobia. I knew there was something wrong with the way I felt but had little help.
Social Phobia is one of the most treatable form of Anxiety discorders. There are many medications which are very effective as well as therapies that tame it to normal/almost normal levels of anxiety to enjoy life. I would suggest you make sure what you have is indeed an anxiety disorder. Check National Institute of Mental Health Website Anxiery Disorders Section ( Including this website, there is lot of information regarding anxiety disorders on the internet. Read about Cognitive Behavior Therapy. You should familiarize yourself somewhat about medications used for anxiety disorders. All the information you collect write it all down. It is also important that you do not get too much consumed in self diagnosis either. Back then (about 20 years ago) there were not may psychaitarists/psychologits who could evaluate you in Pakistan. Now there got to be some good psychiatarists in Pakistan. In this profession in Pakistan it is not uncommon for Doctors to be negligent or greedy and you certainly do not want to go to someone who is like that. So when you go to a doctor make sure he listens to you and do not just give you without spending 20 minutes atleast to evaluate you. Be prepared before doctor's visit. Ask the doctor that you want to try behavior therapy and change of thinking, attitude and behavior as potential solutions before trying medications. He may provide you some reference to a behavior therapist. In the beginning it may be OK to take a small dose of anti-anxiety medicine with less side effects NOT ADDICTIVE if you feel the doctor is trust worthy. I am not saying medicines are all harmful and should be avoided at all cost. More often than not they are the best options especially since there are good medicines out there now. But you should give other options a try as well. If you have tried other options, say diligently for 6 months to a year and have less success, than let a trusting doctor give you medicine in normal doses. He/she may have to change a couple at first before the one that works best for you. In Pakistan I started with Anafranil, an SSRI medicine which was effective but increased my wait significantly. There are better ones out there as well. Many of them have sexual side effects. Ask the doctor about these and other side effects so that you are ready for them. If you feel experiencing too much negative side effect, the doctor may decide to change it. NEVER self ajust the medication dosage; consult your doctor first. GOOD LUCK and make sure you know it is all treatable even if you have some form of social anxiety that is interfering with your life now. I do not remeber the last name but there used to be Dr. Haroon - a known Psychiatarist in Karachi (Clifton or defence area I think but not sure)

Hi modernethic ! i am also as u,i m also suffering from social anxiety.when ever i meet a new person,my boss,even last time somewhere on the road a tv reporter want to take a shot on camara to interview me,or when i visit somewhere that is new for me so i start sweating on my forhead and my face & i can`t speak up.i cant breath .
i live in pakistan and here i just visited some docter but they are not useful.can u please help me out from this ,i think it is useful for me couse ur also suffering form these problim and you know my problim better then others.i am waiting for ur reply if u have any adivce or any kind of medicen that docter has written for u plz

Hey madadali, first of all thanks for reading my story and second, I'm not the only one who feels like you do. There are even others who suffer worse than me and you do and that's horrible. When I told my doctor about my social anxiety, he prescribed some antidepressants and anxiety pills for me. They were Paxil, Xanax, and another I couldn't remember. One thing I ask of you to be careful of are of course the side effects. They typically leave you feeling sedated, groggy at times, and just pretty tired. I stopped taking them because I exercise and can't afford being lazy since I'm going to the military in a few months. Also, for the first time in my life, I started having suicidal thoughts when taking this medication. If you want to help yourself naturally, try exercising and eating right if you're not already as exercise I heard lowers the amount of stress hormones in your body. I'm sorry I took so long with this reply, but hopefully this helps and send me a message if you need more advice lol. Good luck my friend and I hope you conquer this illness someday.