It's Hard And It Sucks

I have had social anxiety ever since I was a child. It was especially hard being surrounded by people who do not understand what you are going through. I do not have a coping mechanism when it comes to this. Perhaps my mechanism is holding my purse. When I am out in public I tend to give my handbag the death grip. Whenever I see people, I just want to hide. Because I know they will see me and I know they are watching me and probably will criticize me. If I buy something I never look the cashier in the eyes (which in Italian culture is seen as disrespectful and they will think you are hiding something.) I don't eat at buffets, and ordering at drive thrus makes me really paranoid.

Maybe I should start going out without my glasses on, because I cannot see anything without them. I mean I can't even take the trash and recycling out because I am afraid my neighbors are watching me or I will trip and someone will see it. I can't get the mail for the same reason. The first time I had a panic attack was on the first day of school. I was so embarrassed. I have had a panic attack on every first day of school since. I have one right before I am about to present something as well. If I am in a large group for too long I will have one.

I feel like it's only going to get harder, I am moving out soon for school, and I don't want to have a panic attack everyday. As for college, it should be easy. I have learned how to cope with my S.A.D. in a school situation. I know it's going to be tough at first but after about a month I should be okay. If I sit close to the door I should be fine. But outside of that I don't know.

This prevents me from doing a lot of things. I want to go out with my friends but I just can't. I just freak out. I wan to see my goddaughter but I am so afraid. I don't want to take drugs but if I really have to then I will. I will find a good psychologist and try to overcome this, even though I know I will deal with it for life. But getting help could make things a little better.
3venus 3venus
18-21, F
Jan 14, 2013