Someone Came To My Door Today...

I was lounging on my sofa, enjoying the solace of lazily watching a sushi documentary on Netflix, ... I felt relaxed, and calm (which doesn't sound like a big deal but, I am normally a very anxious person.) I drifted into that half-sleep half-wakened state of daydreaming about the rest of my day and how it would play out...

Suddenly there was a knock on the door - and I literally almost threw up, immediately. Acidic saliva began climbing up my throat, so I gulped hard and forced it down. My heart was pounding so rapidly against my chest it felt like it could burst through at any moment; my hands and knees began to tremble and I didn't quite know what to do, but I pushed through it.

The person knocked again and I gathered up the courage to look through the peep hole; it was just a fed ex delivery man with a package (ended up being for my flatmate)... I opened the door and signed as fast as I could, slamming the door shut behind me... I collapsed on the floor with my back against the door, holding my knees to my chest and I began to cry.

This is how my life is. I work from home, rarely leave the house or muster up the courage to do so. It's bad. I used to be normal somewhat, and enjoy going out, but ever since I moved to the US, things changed for me. I'm originally from the UK, and my life toppled and crumbled in a whirlwind of events since I moved here. I feel so lost and betrayed. I've been stabbed in the back, stolen from, cheated, kicked out on my *** and had to work my way from the bottom back up.

I still don't know how to drive a car, and somehow along the way everything in my head has come to this conclusion that other people are scary and can't be trusted. Even living with my flatmate - if she opens her bedroom door I still get that helpless feeling where my heart just sinks in my chest and I lose my stomach a little. I don't know if it's ever going to get better... Sometimes when I think it has; things like this happen and everything once again comes crumbling down. I lose myself.
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6 Responses Jan 29, 2013

I've had this happen to me, so I know what it's like. Working at home tends to bring it out as well as there aren't as many opportunities to interact with people. Medications can help, but the only way to get over social anxiety is to put ourselves into anxiety producing situations over and over again until our mind and body are comfortable in those situations. Of course that's difficult because our instincts drive us to avoid those situations, which leads to isolation, which makes the anxiety worse. I'm still working through this myself. Good Luck!

What ever you do don't give up! You can beat this...

Oh man, that's a tough way to live life. I hope you can overcome your anxiety soon.

Don't feel too badly about your situation. Though I know it's frustrating and you're probably a little baffled by your own behavior, you're not alone. I lived as a hermit in my own house for the better part of 3 years.

I know all too well those unexpected knocks at the door. I know the pounding heart, the anxiety, the cold sweat....

I saw someone dropping quotes from Dale Carnege (sp). Thing is, they don't understand. For some it's easy to say "just face your fears" and pass judgement. They don't know what you're going through. They can't understand. Theropy works for some and not for others. The same applies to self help books. Bottom line is, we all handle these kinds of crisis differently. Those who've experienced them and managed to dig themselves out need to remember how it felt to be hard it was to move forward. They need to remember that the answers didn't come so simply for them at one time.

Be patient with yourself. Understand that when you're ready, you'll take whatever steps you're ready to matter how big or small. Go at your own pace and don't let anyone tell you differently.

i completely understand your feeling, we are scared of things uninvited in our life because we have been hurt by people before, it is not easy to let go of those bad feelings and our innate response to people is to just avoid them..

wow that has to be so incredibly difficult to carry in life holed up.I think if you can't muster up the energy to go see a specialist to help you then google some remedies and perhaps get something sent to you via mail to take so you can be able to get out of the house and enjoy the fresh air.Staying in doors is bad for your health.I wish you well.