Someone Came To My Door Today...I was lounging on my sofa, enjoying the solace of lazily watching a sushi documentary on Netflix, ... I felt relaxed, and calm (which doesn't sound like a big deal but, I am normally a very anxious person.) I drifted into that half-sleep half-wakened state of daydreaming about the rest of my day and how it would play out...
Suddenly there was a knock on the door - and I literally almost threw up, immediately. Acidic saliva began climbing up my throat, so I gulped hard and forced it down. My heart was pounding so rapidly against my chest it felt like it could burst through at any moment; my hands and knees began to tremble and I didn't quite know what to do, but I pushed through it.
The person knocked again and I gathered up the courage to look through the peep hole; it was just a fed ex delivery man with a package (ended up being for my flatmate)... I opened the door and signed as fast as I could, slamming the door shut behind me... I collapsed on the floor with my back against the door, holding my knees to my chest and I began to cry.
This is how my life is. I work from home, rarely leave the house or muster up the courage to do so. It's bad. I used to be normal somewhat, and enjoy going out, but ever since I moved to the US, things changed for me. I'm originally from the UK, and my life toppled and crumbled in a whirlwind of events since I moved here. I feel so lost and betrayed. I've been stabbed in the back, stolen from, cheated, kicked out on my *** and had to work my way from the bottom back up.
I still don't know how to drive a car, and somehow along the way everything in my head has come to this conclusion that other people are scary and can't be trusted. Even living with my flatmate - if she opens her bedroom door I still get that helpless feeling where my heart just sinks in my chest and I lose my stomach a little. I don't know if it's ever going to get better... Sometimes when I think it has; things like this happen and everything once again comes crumbling down. I lose myself.