I'M Not Lazy. I'M Not Crazy. I'M Just Scared.
I'm 19 years old and according to my friends, my family, and even myself, I've been crazy all of my life. Anti-social. Up until a few weeks ago, I didn't even know about social anxiety. I thought I was the only one to ever feel this way. I've only had one real job, and it was working at a kids summer camp. Working with kids who couldn't judge me like people who knew better could was perfect. If I screwed something up, who would notice? Who would tell me off? Certainly not the children. I'm scared of getting a real job. I'm scared of messing everything up. I'm scared of letting people down and interacting with people every few minutes, because I know they're judging me. I just quit a babysitting job and have no income at all right now, so I know I need a job in the near future. It scares me. I'm so stressed out just thinking about where to go next. What will I do? How will I mess up my new job? What do I say and how do I help customers? I simply don't talk to people. I also still don't have my license. My boyfriend has been pushing me to get it, but I just don't want to take the road test. I know I'll embarrass myself. I don't want to go to stores and checkouts because I think the cashiers will think the items I'm buying are weird or they'll try to talk to me. I don't want to talk to them. I want to take my items, go home, curl into a ball and cry. The other night, I didn't want to go into Subway with my boyfriend and I asked him to get my sub for me. He got REALLY upset with me and told me I had to start doing things myself. One time he told me I had to stop "being retarded" because I didn't want to pick up my prescription for a urinary tract infection. He says he gets it, but he doesn't. Nobody around me does. They think I can snap out of this overnight. I think it's going to tear my boyfriend and I apart eventually. I just don't think I can give him the life he deserves. :( I just want to be happy and not freak out about the smallest of things such as ordering food, pumping gas, going to the doctor. I've missed out on so many important things in my life like college/university, job opportunities, trips, etc., because of my social anxiety and I want to get better. It's ruining my relationships and my life, and I need it to stop.