I Have Social Anxiety
I've recently found out about social anxiety . It was just one of those things where you're like 'Yes. That's me. That's just me.' and you cry because finally you feel like you're not completely alone in the world. That maybe, just maybe, someone understands.
But until recently... I didn't really think there was a problem at all. I knew I was different, I knew that I isolated myself and avoided situations, but I saw all of these things as positive conscious choices. This was the life I wanted. To live alone in a house with animals, not to have a relationship, not to have that kind of complication. I enjoyed falling asleep imagining someone's arms around me because that was safe, it was a lovely safe image that helped me sleep. I didn't need it to be real.
I'd also read about 'asexualism'. Again, I thought 'Yes. That's me. That's just me.' and I felt even more strongly that there wasn't any point in trying to be with someone. I didn't have any sexual needs that needed fulfilling. Suddenly that was a normal thing because there were others like me and that made it ok. Sex terrified me anyway, it just wasn't something I ever wanted to have to do. I didn't like touching at all - sex was out of the question.
But then I fell in love. With my best friend. And everything just got turned around completely. Did this mean I was gay? If I was suddenly capable of attraction and I wanted to be closer to her and touch her, could this mean that I would eventually want sex?
I became terrified. After much debate, I confessed my feelings, knowing full well nothing could happen between us. She was ten years older than me, straight, and had a boyfriend.
Months passed in which we tried to piece back our friendship and not let my feelings affect it. We went back and forth a lot. Right now we're in the 'back' part. I am writing this praying that she will be able to forgive me for insisting that she help me through this. I know that I have been unfair to her, that I blamed her for all of this because I was fine before she came into my life and I deeply regret that. I wasn't fine. And this voice that was angry with her wasn't mine.
But I don't know love. It is something strange and new and terrifying for me. Social anxiety has left me isolated so that I can't talk to anyone else about it, only her. She was always the only one I could talk to. But now I can't. Now I need to let her be. Now I wish more than anything that I had the strength to reach out and open myself up to someone else so that they could help me.
This is the best I can do.
But until recently... I didn't really think there was a problem at all. I knew I was different, I knew that I isolated myself and avoided situations, but I saw all of these things as positive conscious choices. This was the life I wanted. To live alone in a house with animals, not to have a relationship, not to have that kind of complication. I enjoyed falling asleep imagining someone's arms around me because that was safe, it was a lovely safe image that helped me sleep. I didn't need it to be real.
I'd also read about 'asexualism'. Again, I thought 'Yes. That's me. That's just me.' and I felt even more strongly that there wasn't any point in trying to be with someone. I didn't have any sexual needs that needed fulfilling. Suddenly that was a normal thing because there were others like me and that made it ok. Sex terrified me anyway, it just wasn't something I ever wanted to have to do. I didn't like touching at all - sex was out of the question.
But then I fell in love. With my best friend. And everything just got turned around completely. Did this mean I was gay? If I was suddenly capable of attraction and I wanted to be closer to her and touch her, could this mean that I would eventually want sex?
I became terrified. After much debate, I confessed my feelings, knowing full well nothing could happen between us. She was ten years older than me, straight, and had a boyfriend.
Months passed in which we tried to piece back our friendship and not let my feelings affect it. We went back and forth a lot. Right now we're in the 'back' part. I am writing this praying that she will be able to forgive me for insisting that she help me through this. I know that I have been unfair to her, that I blamed her for all of this because I was fine before she came into my life and I deeply regret that. I wasn't fine. And this voice that was angry with her wasn't mine.
But I don't know love. It is something strange and new and terrifying for me. Social anxiety has left me isolated so that I can't talk to anyone else about it, only her. She was always the only one I could talk to. But now I can't. Now I need to let her be. Now I wish more than anything that I had the strength to reach out and open myself up to someone else so that they could help me.
This is the best I can do.
By:
hiccupsoul
Age:
26-30
