I am soo dissapointed in myself! Last weekend was my ultimate social test and I failed.

It was my "sister in laws" babyshower. (boyfriend's brother's girlfriend). We dont really get along but I wanted to sit that aside for the sake of the baby or my soon to be nephew. Anyway I had to work earlier that day so I was tired and burned out. (Anybody with S/A knows what Im talking about. )and my boyfriends family came down from their hometown. I met everyone and they all seemed to really really like me. (Mostly because his mother loveees me and told them everything about me;) The babyshower was supposed to be at a banquet hall or some rented out place but Im assuming someone didnt pay in advance to rent it out so it was actually held in the back of my boyfriends mothers yard.

In the beginning it was soo unorganized. I mean the food was prepared late people were still getting dressed. I had no idea that it was going to be as organized as it turned out because it was put together in one day. After everyone started showing up we (my bf, his friend and cousins) all were just sitting outside..Waiting.. I had on a dress (a white dress at that) and there were flies and knats flying all around us. I was trying to not get annoyed or irritated or at least let it show on my face but I was soo Uncomfortable!. One of my sister in laws friends brought her wine as gift.. so awhile later she (my sister law) comes overto bring the wine glasses (now she has made snide remarks about me not drinking or smoking in the past, so Idk why I expected any better from her in the first place but thats awhole other story). and handed everyone one and then when she got to me and my bf she handed him one and then says to me "oh I forgot you dont drink" and walks away. Then she came back over to give out corsages and gives everyone else one except me! and then she comes back over and refills everyones glass and says to one of her guest (oh I forgot to tell you its usually silent over here).

I am quiet but when I feel uncomfortable I get quiter plus I wanted to speak to people, well her guest but I didnt know what to say and I didnt want to say the wrong thing. I admit she did make me feel crappy about my choice of not drinking. But She always has hated me because I come off as a "good girl" and my boyfriends mother always talks about how much of a lady I am compared to her. I dont think Im better than her or anybody because of that. Thats just the way I am and I wish she would act better than that because I want us to get along. Alot of times I really want to say something But I tried to brush it aside.

But anyways.. finally after all the guest arrived (or so I thought) they started playing games and it was time to eat. Everyone was told to head to the garage so that her father could pray over the food. So I get up and head to the garage thinking that everyone was too and pratically no one did. Not even my sister in law. Im thinking that she was supposed to be the one to eat first because it is her day but clearly no one cared about that so I made myself a plate. I proceeded to go inside because I wasnt going to eat outside and deal with all of those flies and knats again and my boyfriend and his friend decided to do the same . For awhile it was us three but then my boyfriend left to help out so it was just me and his friend. and because I didnt feel comfortable and I felt that it didnt look right for us to be the only ones in the house together, I left to go in my bfs room and I ended up staying in there for the remainder of the time. My boyfriend came after awhile to check on me and I told him that I wasnt feeling well. So thats what he told everyone. But After it was over, he came back in the room upset with me because I shouldve been more social. and Its been almost 3 days and I still feel bad about it.

Ive been working so hard to try to be more social and have a healthy social life and I feel that that day was supposed to a day that I can be social but I feel like I took like 100 steps back.
viavleiviax viavleiviax
22-25, F
2 Responses Aug 20, 2014

I know how it is. I get like that sometimes. Whenever you feel like that, I know it's hard, but you have to try and push through it. Try to ignore how uncomfortable you feel and just jump right in and talk.
Maybe try letting someone know when you start talking to them that you're a little shy and that may help them understand what's going on if you start to get weird.
As for your sister in law being unnecessary towards you, id say forget her but that's not really mature. I know you said you want to have a relationship with her and that's fine. But if she doesn't really respect you and you keep being nice to her then maybe you need to talk to someone about it, preferably her. Lay it all out on the table.
Try figuring out why you get uncomfortable too. Is it because you're ashamed of something about yourself? Nervous? Don't know what to say? That's ok, just say anything to start small talk and take it from there.
It's really hard but us socially awkward people are amazing.lol
Feel free to message me:) good luck.

Thanks. :)

No problem

Okay... So there really isn't a short response to this. And what I'm saying is more of a situational critique rather than a criticism. I have serious social anxiety so I really do understand.

That said I'd like to offer up a few insights. When I was your age I was simply labeled a loner and anti social and blunt, tactless, moody, an introvert... Which to some varying degree is all true. Components as opposed to the overall composition. 15 years ago I had no idea what anxiety was, depression was still something "you didn't talk about" or it was all in your head. So coming the preceding decade to yours, what I learned in my 20's was how to cope. What I learned as I approached my 30's was to take a realistic look at my issues as well as myself. Not my life - simply me as I knew me best. It took a long time, however in time I learned to first stop applying the term "failure" to myself and to my progress. The failure that you see is your empathy coupled with your anxiety, focusing more on how you could do for someone else, and you put your own well-being in the back seat. Which is what we ALL do...

That said, the only failure I do see is the toxicity in the proverbial emotional waters. Some people are intentionally mean and petty, mostly born out of adequacy issues and so they lash out and assume the unchallenged position of queen bee. Knowing that there isn't any opposition to the social/familial throne and there by it's a position one deigns to have rather than earning it. So your sister in law, and her opinions of you only effect you because she's intimidated by you and knows how to push you past your threshold. While knowing this is important, it's even more crucial to realize that you allow this behavior. Sometimes not acknowledging someone nasty behavior is hard, because it forces us to exist in a bubble - so simply don't acknowledge the person beyond civil niceties. When you become a bit more comfortable with the concept of independent solitude in public then you'll ease your mind about anyone else's opinions and subsequent influence over you.

Secondly, your boyfriend needs to grow up. If you can't help shoulder one another's burdens out of love then simply don't hinder either. Not everyone is equipped (yet, it's possible but it takes time and patience to learn) to understand much less assist someone with anxiety. So if he doesn't know how to help then he needs to at least stop being so inconsistent. Having feelings and opinions are fine - he isn't however obligated to communicated them to you without a little forethought. There again, it's also your responsibility to your own mental health and well-being to know when to walk away or hit the pause button. If you can't deal with it, then don't. Come back to it when you're ready (less than a day ideally) but don't add more to your already heaping plate.

It's hard to remember what it's like having a say in your own life, it's harder still to find that voice and utilize it... Take it one step at a time, life's a journey full of lessons - not an endurance race. Even though sometimes it feels like the ladder, it's all about perspective. You can't change anyone else's - but you can focus on your own. Invest in you - even when you don't feel like you deserve it. Especially when you don't. You didn't fail. You survived.

And remember..,
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by ********."
- William Gibson

Also, I need to add this. You say "I've been working so hard to try to be more social and have a healthy social life"... Well who the hell says that someone else's social has to be healthy and normal for you?

So true! I appreciate your reply, what you said really helped make sense of the whole thing.

You aren't broken, you're just a Lego in the puzzle box. Nothing wrong with being a little different love! ✌️💕