On the Other Side of My Door

I'm sitting in my bedroom and I can hear, from my spot by the window, the sound of laughter in the very next room.  On the other side of my door is a room full of people, a room full of friends even.  But I can't bring myself to walk through the hallway and stare another humanbeing in the eyes. It's the way I lose my breath, the way no real words come to mind, it's the way I sweat, and want to literally fall through the floor.  I feel like I'm going to be judged for everything; for being myself or for trying to be something I'm not.  At eighteen years old people expect me to be out there with friends doing everything, meeting people, talking, and taking advantage of my youth.  Sometimes it feels like there's no way that I can do that, no way to even talk to a stranger unless I'm drunk or hyperventalating.  My roommates are all very social and like to bring people over often and when they do I lock myself in my room and play scrabble. If this happens in the morning I've on more than one occasion gotten so depressed and scared of the idea of meeting someone before I'd showered that I felt I couldn't come out of my room all day.  I just want to feel like the ceiling isn't caving in on me anymore.

hush hush
26-30, F
1 Response Mar 4, 2009

i feel for you!!! im 28, and im like that too!! the only time i can really talk to people is when im a bit tipsy!!! otherwise ive not got much to say at all, unless im on ep!!! ive learned over the years to kinda accept myself a bit more, and i try to get myself out a bit more, cos i too was like you, in having had my parents and so on telling me that i should be out more, enjoying myself!!! but i just couldnt!!! i wasnever into the whole socialising thing, with people getting so drunk, and falling all over the place, but i did go out occasionally!!! i get out a lot more these days, just by myself though!! i just go to like a coffee shop and read the newspapers and drink coffee and so on, just so that i dont get so depressed sitting in the house all the time!! feel free to talk to me if need be!!!