On the Other Side of My Door

I'm sitting in my bedroom and I can hear, from my spot by the window, the sound of laughter in the very next room.  On the other side of my door is a room full of people, a room full of friends even.  But I can't bring myself to walk through the hallway and stare another humanbeing in the eyes. It's the way I lose my breath, the way no real words come to mind, it's the way I sweat, and want to literally fall through the floor.  I feel like I'm going to be judged for everything; for being myself or for trying to be something I'm not.  At eighteen years old people expect me to be out there with friends doing everything, meeting people, talking, and taking advantage of my youth.  Sometimes it feels like there's no way that I can do that, no way to even talk to a stranger unless I'm drunk or hyperventalating.  My roommates are all very social and like to bring people over often and when they do I lock myself in my room and play scrabble. If this happens in the morning I've on more than one occasion gotten so depressed and scared of the idea of meeting someone before I'd showered that I felt I couldn't come out of my room all day.  I just want to feel like the ceiling isn't caving in on me anymore.

hush hush
26-30, F
2 Responses Mar 4, 2009

I do not have your disorder, but it seems to me that seeking some professional counseling will help you to first learn how to handle it and cope better with it so that you can be a more "normal" person in a social setting. This type of disorder will continue to fester and grow and will in essence cut you off from society in toto over time. Please seek help for yourself so that you can be with others when you choose to do so and be comfortable in that setting!

I can STRONGLY relate! It's hard, but hang in there!<br />
Have you thought about seeing a therapist or something?