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Why Me?...

When i was young i was a happy child who talked a lot and was sociable, But that all changed when i started my first year of primary school.

I was bullied constantly and abused both mentally and physically, The bullies turned everyone in the school against me, it was basicly a living hell.

After that i was home schooled because it got so bad, so i became even more isolated from people.

After that i just shut down emotionally and became timid when dealing with other people, people would not talk to me because i was socially awkard.

That was many years ago and i still feel disconnected from people around me and my own feelings, people describe me as "the quiet one" and i usually just feel like a bystander when im around people, even when im around my own family we just sit in awkward silence because i dont know what to around people say or how to express myself properly.

I hate being like this and desperately want to change i hate being the one who never speaks and being known as a wierdo, i want to have normal relaxed meaningful converstaions with people but it feels like i physically cant speak up.

I know other people probably go through things like this but i still think, why me?.

P.S. I am currently on Anti-Depressants.

Unreality Unreality 18-21, M 45 Responses Mar 30, 2009

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I went through the same thing, therapy and mess, diet and exercise helps a lot...

you're not alone. i too have been in every situation like you do, plus more. i do have problem being socialized with people unless they approached me and talk to me. i can't even do just that, let alone to hug anyone. i get scares.

The good news is that I understand in the field of psychology they have found that even lifetime patterns that started very young can be broken in a realtively short peroid of time but there is a process. Basically they are coming to find that learning how to break a pattern is more important than trying to understand why the pattern is as it is. That said, knowing why is also helpful.<br />
From my understanding the pattern is broken by a lot of intensity and 'couching'. The first step will still be to understand the source of the pattern so that practices to break it can be more targeted. Dont take what I say as golden though, maybe bring this up with a conciler. anyway, I was gald to learn that the longer you are in a pattern doesnt mean it will be harder to break out of later.

Hello there,<br />
I was bullied too verbally since I was in primary towards junior school. Even in high school although I was not bullied, I felt that they outcasted me. Even now, with new people and in a big group, it can be really difficult to speak up. I dont know why, it seems like all the words just stuck in my throat.<br />
However I have met few people in my life that are really kind, who accept me for who I am, and do not think that I am weird or boring. And these people are the ones that make me realised, nothing is wrong with me. When others treat me bad, there is something wrong with them. And yes, usually I find that many people do not like them too.<br />
So when you want to break the silence, just do it. It is okay to say something silly, because people do. If they do not respond friendly, then they might be having a bad mood or something.<br />
You are totally normal!

Wow...that sounds like my life...but it changed. In highschool I was called weird as well, I even went through a mild depression of and on from middle school to high school, but I was able to meet real friends in college. I just thought if people made fun of you just because you are quiet, then why would you want to be friends with them in the first place. Right. I do still feel like I can get anti-social or anxiety, but only in places I do not feel comfortable at (parties, clubs...etc.) and I usually just stay away. I tend to meet all friends through family or co-workers. I am still quiet, but if someone talks to me, I continue to talk back.

your not alone, I've social anxiety too.

There is a way to fix your situation PM if your interested. :)<br />
<br />
- Neil<br />
<br />
"Ever Vigilant"

i got nothing to say paw but the diffence is a good offence.so try not to be diffencive

Introspection that is a great strategy, to focus on your own agenda, it is the one and only thing that works for me! I even tell myself to be selfish, like I find my inner ***** but really that still comes off as being a nice person who is a normal amount of selfish rather than so selfless and not thinking about myself (just everyone else and their thoughts) like I did before. I think that is kind of more or less what it comes down to with people with SAD. We are selfless, caring people but it is to a fault because we don't care about ourselves we only care about others. Like martyrs. After reading lots of posts from people that have SAD its like we all share the same brain, its so weird reading posts like this because I always think I could have written that same post! So just BE MORE SELFISH people and we will be fine!

EXACTLY what I am going through right now. <br />
My story is kind of the same as yours. I gave up on people as well and I have trust issues with them. 7 years of f***ing mental and physical abuse tore me down, maybe I have been naive at times, too. Thought I was having fun with people but they actually made fun of me. All these episodes haunted me way up to high school...which Im done with, but now I ended up alone and I barely leave my room. Hell, it is not even long ago that I discovered that I can do small talk <br />
<br />
And yes, you brought up family. Wtf is up with that. I got nothing smart or exciting to say about my self at the dinner table and I just await the akward moment when the turn coems to me "do you like this town?" "what are you doing these days?" "have you been out.."etc. or at holidays when the whole family pokes anyone with their questions. <br />
<br />
The date on this story is slightly old but still I want to thank you that you have the guts to actually post this kind of story, I know i don't lol even if its anon or whatnot.

Get of your anti depressants. They don't do **** but sedate you. By taking those your not facing yourself. Look yourself in the mirrior and know that those eyes hold a spirt, you are not just a body understand. Take care of your soul and stop hurting it. You can't just sit around and wait for things to happen. You have to work for it. Make a ******* effort because your doing this to yourself. <br />
<br />
Now listen.....I have been where you are. My father died and I stayed inside for a year (including another three months). I got anxiety dropped out of public school because I couldnt handle being a part of something. I literly became a hermit. I wouldnt see my mother or friends. The only time I came out of my room was when I needed to **** or ****, and eat. You have to understand that depriving your soul of experinces will kill you mentally. You have to live here, make the best of it kidd. My story is no crock either, real ****. And I still have a bit of anxiety but I try my hardest to make the best of my life. And I'm going back to school this year. I have to be a super senior but that's okay because I need to train myself to live in this world.

You are wrong - going off anti depressants suddenly especially can cause MORE problems in people One should only do this under a doctors supervision. Meds work differently on people and for some are a true godsend!

I cannot tell you how much better it makes me feel to read this. I too go through the same thing. Im the shy one, the silent one, the nervous, etc, etc. Ive been in therapy for a good couple years and still struggle with it. One thing that has helped me is to expose myself to people. I literally made myself an experiment and forced myself to be around people, people my age which seems to be even more stressful for me. I found in the moment you can only be so anxious for so long before the anxiety settles. Not go away but settle. It was an eye opener but I really dont have the drive to continue to put myself in social situations. But i can definately say never feel bad about it, there are more people than you think out there who too struggle with the same thing. People are a lot stronger than they think and i hope you continue to feel more at ease. Your future is only what you make it :)

I was Bullied at school for all of 7 & 8 grade & the Rumors & Jokes & ill will" toward me from my so-called "peers" basically ruined me for all of high school, every little word followed me, as did some of the bullies. I had a few friend in school but I never spent a single second with them out side of it for fear that they wouldn't like me anymore for some reason. <br />
<br />
I should have stood up for myself more & Fought back, people say that's not the answer, but it is. When The Principles & Teachers say that "well its gonna happen & there is nothing we can do" & when your stabbed by a pen because you wont write the bullies name on his paper and the principal says "I didn't see it happen, so I cant punish them" but isn't that their Jobs? Keep the order & every child should be allowed to learn in a good environment etc. etc? I was Blamed by a Group of 4 for something they did & they always laughed at me for it since I took the fall for something I never even saw happen. lol its like morbidly funny when I look back at that.<br />
<br />
The School systems & Administrators are at fault as much as the bullies, they collect their pay checks & do as little of anything as possible & when it come to a kid who's being systematically destroyed by others whats the incentive to help them nothing. They don't Get Bonuses & raises for stopping bullies, that's why its rampant in the world today. <br />
<br />
My Dad's a 70yr old European & When Bullies did things in the 40's & You went to the teacher, that kids *** was 5 colors of DAMN by the time the teacher stopped, and I would have gladly been beaten by the teachers for what I was blamed, so long as I could see my bullies get it too.<br />
<br />
Oh how I long for the simpler times in Human History...

I am sorry to hear about all of the difficulties you have endured. I was the opposite. I was a shy child, but by high school, I began to make lasting friendships and have a truly good time at school. My school, however, only had 9 students in my entire graduating class. I think that probably helped me feel more connected and, with so few kids to choose from, no one really singled anyone out or bullied anyone. We would have been tossed out on our ear. I didn't attend that school until 10th grade and, before I was a student there, I did endure a lot of bullying, name calling, threats and such. I was so quiet that the other kids thought I was stuck up and called me every bad name in the book. There are still times where I feel that pain come back, but I now know that there was nothing wrong with me. I was shy and awkward. Lots of people are. It does sound like you suffer from social anxiety and, as an anxiety disorder, that feeling of not being connected to what is going on around you is called detachment. There are, thankfully, many treatments for anxiety, including social anxiety. <br />
<br />
From reading what you have written, you come across as intelligent and articulate. If you can write to others, you will be able to learn to have verbal communications with others. I know it is easier with writing because you have a chance to think more about what to say before you would have to actually verbalize an answer to question to a person offline. That said, I think that since you clearly do have good communication skills, you have a good chance of ending all of the anxiety that social settings bring for you. One of the most important things you (and anyone who has had to endure bullying as a child, still carrying around those old hurts), will have to do is find a way to put the past behind you. If you live in the past...if anyone lives in the past, they cannot be in the present and that robs them of creating the future that they want for themselves. <br />
<br />
I wish you all the best. Take care....Hallie

I understand perfectly. I feel like this every day and every hour.<br />
All of us wonder why we, several times a day. However you can not try to change, and no one understands. It is very easy for people to say something that few do, but not so easy.<br />
Do not be sad that it is pointless and can only expect things to change. Good luck.

Like yu I also asked the questions of Why me and why can't I have/make friends. At this point, I just wish their was soneone who could understand and help pull me towards making a meaningful connection. The anxiety can be overwhelming and it shows. The sad part people on the other side interpret our neverousness and attempts to connect as something different.<br />
<br />
I wish you well

I'm not young anymore so maybe I have a broad picture. I'm on the outside but because my spouse is a psychiatrist I know how to look at the "other side" too. Being lonely and sad is beyond anti-depressants. It is beyond your past experiences and your expectations. You are lonely and sad but you have to hold onto your "self" and value everything you know about your being. It is what I tell myself when my child expresses feelings about BAD times. It is what I hold onto when I feel there is nobody to talk to. Sometimes we are all there is and nobody can make us better or whole. Hang onto who you are and you will get through the dark times. That is what I am telling myself today -- and I don't want to go on -- but there are people who depend on me. So go out in the "cruel world" and remember everybody else, no matter how shallow they seem, is no more prepared to live than you are. They pretend better to the world than you do. Fake it. That is what I'm doing today -- faking happiness and hoping some happiness will turn up.

I was on Fluvoxamine maleate but i didnt work as well as i hoped, im thinking of changing.

I can relate to much of your story, though I was always shy to begin with. May I ask which antidepressant you are on, and how it is helping (or not helping) you?

I know the way you feel, when I was young, I used to be a very sociable boy, I could make friends with a click of my fingers, but that all changed in my 3th year of primary school when I moved to another city and another school, I'm a natural blond and I have a very pale skin. Kids started calling me a vampire, laughed at me, pushed me and it all went on, when I went to secundary school I never had many friends, the 6th graders started calling me spermhead, just because I was blond. It got worse then that, they started with pushing, then punching, then throwing me in the ground and kicking me. I never got any help on school, they always promised things would get better, but they never got untill my 4th year when I changed schools again. It got better then, people were nice to me, I got new friends, but I never could express my feelings, I became a social wreck and I've been thinking about killing myself since then, Its gotten better lately, I really get support from my friends these days, I still have tough moments where I think life isnt worth living. But I hope everthing will work out just fine :)

Your story sounds just like mine, for most of my life. It can be devastating, that feeling in a social situation of not being able to speak. You feel like everyone's noticing. It can torment you. I think some people are just wired this way, and the more pressure you feel from it, the worse it gets. It has gotten somewhat easier for me in the past 10 years, in my 30s. I think just accepting yourself as you are, and attempting to make minor chit-chat -- say, as you go through the check-out line at the store -- are two things that have helped. But don't put so much pressure on yourself. Your social anxiety doesn't make you any worse a person, or any less interesting a person. Maybe only one or two people will get to see the "real you" in your lifetime. So be it. Worrying about it only makes it worse. Just enjoy life.

I was also bullied at school and at home. I withdrew into myself and I've been stuck in my own damn head for years now! I like you, also try to get out of this protective shell and sometimes it feels like it is doing no good for me at all. You can do it friend, I have faith in you. You are a good person who had a rough time because people couldn't parent their children. I know it's hard to see, but you didn't deserve this none of us do. Although, I know I struggle with the thoughts that I deserved it too. ((hug)) I am sorry for your pain....

I feel exactly the same as you do!!!

Have faith in yourself as a individual and I can promise you that you will get better. I used to suffer the same thing at a young age, and I still do sometimes. Sometimes it's not your condition of confidence, but rather the people you're around. Somethng deep inside you can't trust other people, something I can most definitely relate to. So, don't say you're a weirdo, because you're not. You're a unique person with hidden talents. Believe in yourself!!!

i'm here with you. i used to be outgoing. social. i had friends, a life. <br />
after years of an abusive relations that forced separation from people, my own confinement do to an eating disorder and mental issues i now sit quiet by myself. i cant deal with public places. im too scared to make a friend. im the family member in the corner that never speaks because i cant understand who those people are in front of me. i cant communicate with people i know. i cant talk on the phone. but i can communicate via text and email, but not very many to write to. sometimes i can speak to strangers, but they have to have a certain type of energy about them and i have to be in a certain mood.<br />
<br />
going to the store is a huge deal. in-out, dont look at people in the eye.<br />
at school i race to classes and never look at anyone. teachers are usually ok, because i know in their eyes im a student not a human<br />
<br />
eye contact- rarely do i make eye contact. at therapy i can only speak and properly communicate and actually recall thoughts and issues if i dont look at her.<br />
<br />
im sorry you too deal with this. <br />
<br />
we are lucky to have modern technology. it gives us the ability to find some sort of communication with the outside world. i have an easier time here because i cant be seen. will never meet these people. and i can speak in full sentences.

Iv been through pretty a pretty simalar experaince.<br />
but iv been relising recently is that its not a question of debaiting why this happend to me but rather just accept that i have this and that because i want to change i can :)

I know im definately awkward around people. And like someone else said, when there's a group of ppl around you feel like your responsible for how enjoyable the conversation is. It really, really, really sucks. Yesterday i met with some people and it was going realy bad at first. Sooo awkward when im the only one not really laughing at any jokes or fake laughing.....But i just kinda stuck with it, stayed in the situation cuase...whats the worst thats gonna happen? Im not going to die! I may be awkard or appear to be rude or somthin, i might even lose some friends....but its not going to kill me so i can go for it. Adn that kinda helped<br />
Another thing i realized is that when i get so selfconscious about what ppl are thinking about me i tend to not pay attention to what someone else is saying. Its hard to do both. So what you (I) have to do is just say "**** everything that is going on in my mind and concentrate on really understanding and paying attention to what the other person is saying" It really makes u kinda lose your selfconscious feeling at least a little. And for me sometimes its really hard to pay attention, but i know i can do it.<br />
<br />
Hope any of this helps.

Hey, i know what you mean i pretty much went through the same thing when i was younger just getting bullied.. and yeah it was pretty bad especially in high school so it sucks because i couldnt get home schooled but even at school with people around me i was alone hmm i know what you mean by "people go through this yet, why me?" its hard to understand why someone like you goes through such a thing and dont understand why, im not really sure what else to say since i have the same problem =/ well, i hope things to get better for you if you do wanna talk im here

Feeling for you here in new zealand. <br />
My social anxiety disorder was so out of control, I would shake around people, or freeze, I had to see a psychologist. <br />
What helped me, although I still have SAD, is knowing others have this issue. I am not the only sensitive person out there, neither are you. <br />
If we started a group for SAD, noone would show up, lol. <br />
<br />
Cruellness in the past pays the price on your mental health thats for sure. I dont feel safe anywhere, even though I know I am being irrational. Once bitten, twice shy.<br />
I have discovered forgiveness helps. By forgiving the people of the past who have been cruel takes their power away. No longer do you have to think about what they did to you, there is no need anymore, it just chews you up. <br />
Acceptance of the past, <br />
( that is not saying that it was right or fair), allows you not to go over it again and again, causing torment.<br />
Please try your hardest to let it go and dont ask "why me", it gets you nowhere. <br />
There are some really awesome people out there, Experience Project proves that. Forget about the horrid ones, avoid them at all cost.

Well since you can understand why you feel this way (being bullied) it should be much more possible to overcome it.