Here Goes Nothin'

This is going to sound like a rant, but I like to give a little background information so you can kinda get what situation I was in at the time. Back in 2005 it was my first year of high school and I was really excited. On the first day I saw this girl in the hallway. She was absolutely gorgeous, the kind of girl who'd never talk to someone as average looking as me. Later that day I found out I shared a class with her! I got to sit right next to her, and it was even in the classroom where my parents met back in high school. I was happier than I had ever been, and I decided to talk to her... To my utter shock, she was attracted to me too. We started spending more time together and planning on dating. Our mothers found out and said crude things like "That's unnatural" and "You're too young."

Her parents made her leave the school and my mom told me never to speak to her again. She was my only friend at that school. I had gone from a charter school of 80 people to a high school of about 3000. It was a couple months into the school year and I was still petrified of everyone. Two days later I ran away from home because I wanted to be free to be myself elsewhere in the world. I ended up back at home where I still felt like my opinions were unheard. Soon after I decided to kill myself, even though I had made another friend. Nothing was the same, and everyone else treated me so horrible.

I chickened out and called the ambulance. After they made sure I was okay they made me see a shrink. He diagnosed me with social anxiety...

For the next year he talked to me about all my eccentricities. I couldn't urinate in public because I thought everyone would be grossed out, I hated walking on squeaky floors because I felt like everyone would listen to it, I hated wearing clothing that fit because everyone would laugh at my huge stomach, and I hated trying to make new friends because I was afraid no one would like me. I felt like everything I did caused someone trouble, and I was so afraid that no one would like me that it was eating me up inside.

I longed so much for more friends but I always panicked and pulled away from them all so I wouldn't get hurt again. I'd lock myself up in my room and I'd get angry for no reason just to find excuses to be alone.

For a while I was getting better, but now I feel like I'm slipping back into the old routines. I'm still afraid of wearing clothes that fit properly, I still think the noise my feet make bother people, and now I've added things like thinking I smell bad no matter what I try. I've started locking myself in my room again, I think I spent 15 minutes with my parents this evening...

I really want to go back into therapy but I'm afraid my family can't afford it, and I don't want to cause any trouble. :(
yuuutsu yuuutsu
18-21, F
Sep 18, 2007