Social Anxiety....people Don't Get It. [EDITED]
I've never been popular. Never looked very girly. Was a tomboy when I was little. Been made fun of in every grade of school. Even though school was a hassle, it was a reason to get me out of the house and to deal with being around people. Now that I don't have school, there's nothing making me get out in the world.
I'm 31. Never had a boyfriend (only had a few dates and one first kiss). [EDIT: I started talking to someone online at the end of 2009 and we've been in a relationship since February 2010, have met once and really hit it off, yay!]I live with my parents [EDIT: Dad passed away in June 2012.] I feel bad when they have to tell people I live with them and only work one day a week. I've worked with a friend before, just the two of us. That was fine, but she kept most of my pay for herself (I have a problem confronting people). I worked in a small office but got fired for missing too much time. That's about all I've done.
I have one friend offline from childhood that I've seen 3 times in the last 12 or so years. My 'true" friends are online. The ones who don't use me, judge me or insist I go out somewhere with them when I don't want to.
I go to the store with my mother and have her pay for things. I hate walking around by myself because I feel like people are staring at me. I know they aren't, but my brain thinks they are. I know I'm being irrational, but I can't help it. My mom says I look grouchy at times and maybe that's why people don't want to talk to me. It's not that I'm grouchy, it's just me trying to mind my own business and get through whatever I'm doing without incident. Walking by a bus stop makes me paranoid. I need something to fidget with to keep my mind on something.
I've talked to guys online who "just wanna be friends" and know how I feel about things. Later they reveal they want more than a friendship and insist that all I need to "just get over" my anxiety is to meet them and hang out. Telling them no only leads to them getting rude, calling me names, saying "no wonder you never had a boyfriend" and telling me that they think I'm lying about being so shy. As if it's a game or something I can turn off.
People claim they know me better than I know myself. They say to just get over my shyness and get out in the world. Or they tell me to go on meds. I've seen what meds have done to members of my family and I don't want to risk it. I just wanna be myself without having to be chemically altered. I don't want lectures from people I've "known" for 2 minutes online. I don't want people telling me "Yeah, I was like that once but I got over it." I don't need people telling me I need to take chances. I HAVE taken chances. I've met a few people offline, I've talked to people in the store, I've taken chances. Each one ended with me being rejected, semi-stalked, pushed around and used. I have a fear of it happening all over again because it has ALWAYS happened. I'm not a negative person, but I ba
I've been told I don't SEEM shy on the computer. That's because there's a backspace. I'm more shy in chatrooms because of the pressure. I can hide my anxiety in some situations.
Being in the store, I can get a pain in my chest that radiates to my ears. I can feel short of breath or light-headed, on the verge of passing out. I passed out in a building before with my mother right beside me. I didn't even feel it coming on. It just happened because I was standing so close to other people. I can get frustrated to the point of tears if I can't find my mom in the store. I'm 31, but it's like I'm a little child some times.
I can't get close to anyone. I don't like giving/getting hugs. I'd like to be "normal." I feel like my anxiety has kept me back at a young age and I'm getting older while not really aging on a mental state. It's not going away and there are times I feel exteremly depressed and hopeless. A waste of space. A burden. I used to have suicidal thoughts, but I know now that that's not the way at all. I'd never kill myself, and I think that's a reassuring thing to know.
I'm so thankful for family members who know how I am and who accept me. But I wish I could do better for them.