Gettin' Better... Much Better

Congratulations!!!! I feel like that from time to time. Right now I just want to run away. Probably not a good thing because nothing will have changed except my space. Keep up the fight.

Hey thanks and you keep up the fight too. :] I don't know about physically running away, but hey everybody needs a break in the battle sometimes. Just gotta remember to get back in it and don't admit defeat.

Very good advise, but, right now I'm just about to admit it.

Well hey, how's it like for you? For me I was really reactive, every encounter had to go perfect unless fear would kick in. Are you having a worse time than normal?

Most days, yes

My first wife was terrified of people in groups. Consequently, we had virtually no social life outside the family. I was OK with this for a lot of years. But, as the years passed I began to look back and realize all I was missing by avoiding people.

This may seem odd to those who know me - I love being alone, even require some alone time. I've always worked alone. But, I balance this with real fellowship, real contact with others. One place I found a home was in my Lodge - I'm a Freemason. Don't mistake that, I belong to other groups as well. And I even write about being alone: solotreks.com

I don't believe anyone should enter a relationship, especially marriage, without full disclosure of personality traits. Sooner or later resentment will set in and all will come crashing down.

All in my opinion of course.

Thanks for the post, I understand amd can share. It look me until well into adulthood to deal with my own lack of confidence and keep it under control. Even now I find it a challenge sometimes. Youre not alone, keep working at it, don't let it get you down, and you'll get there.

Thanks for sharing your story! I can relate to that fear of wondering if people will like the "real" you. I agree that this is an uphill battle but I also feel optimistic! I'm so happy for you that you're still working toward your goal and things are starting to feel more natural for you. Best wishes :)

Hello HeyMayne,

I will definitely write to you and try to help you out :)

I hope that what I will say in the following message really gets you totally out of this problem.

It is obviously complicated to explain fully the human mind.

I believe there are 2 running modes of the mind.. one which is active and one which is inactive.. a bit like a fridge.. Notice a fridge it starts working actively for a few minutes... it makes noise.. then it stops making the noise for a long while.. and the process goes on...

Let's relate it to the human mind.

When the fridge is making noise.. this is you getting conscious over things.. you do it on purpose.. you try to learn new things and develop new things... then after a while.. you just go on stride mode.. where you just carry on with what you set yourself with... it is a bit like a lazy mode in which our moods are no more affected by what we think.. but mostly on the surrounding.

Now the other complicated thing is habit. If you devise a strong reason to do something.. and repeat it over and over... it becomes an habit.. and this habit will work perfectly during your lazy modes.. I can give you an example.. washing dishes right after a meal. I never miss it now koz i developed the habit of doing it. I first had to develop a strong reason for doing it. Then i remember perfectly being lazy to do it over and over again.. but i defeated this laziness and still did it. Now.. it just comes automatically.. i do it all the time..

So the KEY to solving your problem.. is to actually learn to do things properly.. learn everything to yourself. Take a nap.. take a rest.. get relaxed.. and learn the things to yourself.. take off the old patterns of fear one by by one.. and replace them with more convincing images of yourself doing things the better way.. you have to imagine it.. it is an active process of learning..some people are so used to doing it.. then it becomes an automatic habit.. and they just keep on like this all the time.. this is why they seem to be more pleasant and outgoing.. because they dont do it ... just like that.. they have actually taken the pain to learn how to do it by themselves observing others.. or just inventing themselves.. that is they learnt by themselves how to be social.

One thing that i was taught ..which is quite incredible.. is.. humans have to teach themselves everything. I was told that even a baby does not know how to drink milk from the breast of the mum. The mum has to make the baby learn to drink the milk. So how do you expect to overcome any kind of social anxiety.. skills. etc.. if you dont consciously learn them and develop a habit..? So from now on.. all you have to do..is work hard.. practice.. get inside a quiet room... practice talking.. practice approaching people.. learnt how you will talk to them.. learn what you will talk to them... it is not like when you meet people.. it is now that you will try to think.. what to say.. no .. you must be prepared.. for some reason.. because of fear.. your mind has been preoccupied with fearing and doubting yourself.. instead of just learning things naturally like many people.

Also.. if you can.. try to improve your self image to yourself. for example.. combing.. shaving the face etc try to improve your appearance to yourself and to others by " grooming" so that you look at yourself in the mirror and say.. yes i am keeping myself well.. my appearance is okay. If you think you still look dull.. then there is a whole lot of things you can do.. it will only work as much motivation as you feel. Start a regime of sport.. develop other healthy habits.. to get the energy out of your body and become more active.. all this you need to develop. Nothing will just come to yourself just like this.. there is a whole world out there of things you can do to get the better out of yourself.

Also from this point.. keep an habit of motivating yourself and rewarding yourself with convincing words.. life can be a whole lot more fun than living a nightmare. People are a whole lot fun than you think. Also one key thing is... people tend to like you the way you like yourself.. this is something i have no idea why it is like this.. you just need to like yourself and people will like you.. it is like if you can convince yourself that you are likable to yourself.. people buy it and they like you.. it is like you market yourself to others.. if you dont like your own product.. how will people.. who know you even less..like you? The only hint people get from you.. is what you tell them or give them..

Now the other thing is.. once you set yourself on such a mission of self improvement.. it is actually a nice idea to read self improvements books... I can recommend a few... Get the giant within by Anthony Robbins.. there are many books out there... where people try to explain to you how they got themselves out of bad patterns and put themselves into better ones and this got their lives onto a whole new level. It is an highly active process... this is when you are truly.. making the most of your life.. and you are feeling fullfilled inside... you will see.. your health will get better and better.. and life will look like it could not have felt any better.

The key in all that is lots of hard work.. and also practice.. even if it needs to learn how to shake hands and say the most simple thing.. hello.. go on and learn it.. Due to fear and doubt you need to unlearn all the wrong way of doing things as well and get over with new better ways that you must keep repeating to yourself ... it will work out.. just go and get the better out of yourself... learn to smile as well. Make facial grimaces to you everyday in the morning to get the face muscles working.. learn to smile.. look in the mirror and improve it everyday.. it all works in the end with the hard work and keep going on... motivate yourself matter how many times you fall..

When things dont work out.. it simply means there must be another way.. just try to think of it..

All the best....

Kind regards,

Rajiv.

The first part when you're talking about what you used to be like sounds like me now.

Thanks for posting this =