Feeling Helpless and Hopeless
I've always been shy, it's part of my basic personality by now. Still, it never really interfered with my ability to live a normal life. Now, it's becoming more and more difficult to cope.
Every time I leave the house it's a struggle. I feel so unwelcome in the world, so unacceptable. I want to have positive social interactions, like in the old days, but they are few and far between now. I put on a friendly and welcoming face, or at least I used to...
Be polite. Be respectful to others - I'm a great believer in these things. Yet there is so much hostility out there that I can't keep my smile on. I find myself walking with my eyes averted, trying to put out a signal that says "don't see me". It doesn't work. Sooner or later, some one will make a catty or snide remark, and I will feel destroyed.
Leaving the grocery store, a man must have thought I was carrying too many bags, because he came up and told me off for not having the sense to use a shopping cart. It was already a bad day, and here I find myself being told off by a complete stranger, for something that had absolutely nothing to to with him. I wasn't even carrying too many bags. I found myself apologizing.
Last week, a woman shoved me out of line at the corner shop, yelling at me to get out of her way. I found myself apologizing to her too, even though she'd called me an ugly name...
There are too many of these incidents to speak of.
Maybe these things happen to everyone, but they seem to be the bulk of my social interactions these days. I can't keep my spirits up for long. I find myself thinking "if only I could be better, more perfect, prettier, then I'd be acceptable in the eyes of the world."
It's hard to go outside. I wonder if I really am this thing, this monstrosity, that others seem to perceive.
I wonder what I have to do to be deserving of a normal life in the world, among other people.