Feeling Helpless and Hopeless

I've always been shy, it's part of my basic personality by now. Still, it never really interfered with my ability to live a normal life. Now, it's becoming more and more difficult to cope.

Every time I leave the house it's a struggle. I feel so unwelcome in the world, so unacceptable. I want to have positive social interactions, like in the old days, but they are few and far between now. I put on a friendly and welcoming face, or at least I used to...

Be polite. Be respectful to others - I'm a great believer in these things. Yet there is so much hostility out there that I can't keep my smile on. I find myself walking with my eyes averted, trying to put out a signal that says "don't see me". It doesn't work. Sooner or later, some one will make a catty or snide remark, and I will feel destroyed.

Leaving the grocery store, a man must have thought I was carrying too many bags, because he came up and told me off for not having the sense to use a shopping cart. It was already a bad day, and here I find myself being told off by a complete stranger, for something that had absolutely nothing to to with him. I wasn't even carrying too many bags. I found myself apologizing.

Last week, a woman  shoved me out of line at the corner shop, yelling at me to get out of her way. I found myself apologizing to her too, even though she'd called me an ugly name...

There are too many of these incidents to speak of.

Maybe these things happen to everyone, but they seem to be the bulk of my social interactions these days. I can't keep my spirits up for long. I find myself thinking "if only I could be better, more perfect, prettier, then I'd be acceptable in the eyes of the world."

It's hard to go outside. I wonder if I really am this thing, this monstrosity, that others seem to perceive.

I wonder what I have to do to be deserving of a normal life in the world, among other people. 

bunnymousekitt bunnymousekitt
31-35, F
7 Responses Sep 11, 2009

Hello!<br />
Hostilities create wounds that come to the surface whenever the scenario repeats itself in a way or another. I know because I have some wounds that date back to early childhood caused by violence of different types: mostly psychological (verbal abuse, sarcasm, cynicism) and some physical.<br />
I'm thinking that if you get to understand that people do to others what they've had done unto them then you wont get so emotionally hurt. There's a book on the Bible messages that says to find excuses to people who do you wrong and to pardon them. To pardon(to forgive) is a great quality a human can have. It's something I want to achieve myself: learn to forgive.<br />
I wish you to find the energy and force to face such a uncomprehending world!

I am the same way when it comes to apologizing for things that aren't my fault. A lot of the time I worry that I am bothering others or are in the way.

I've been trying to get in to see a therapist but there's a long waiting period, and there's not really any support groups for this in my area, so...<br />
I should probably just force myself out in public and deal with the results, whatever they are. I just wish I were stronger now.

I have been unusually depressed and anxious. I think there might be several things that brought it on...<br />
<br />
It's weird, 'cos I feel more helpless and less self sufficient than I did ten years ago! So it must be something that made me feel helpless and dependent, somehow...I'll definitely give it some careful thought.

i'm sorry to hear that. figured something was going on to make u take their comments to heart like that. is it something more serious than the usual blues? have u gone through any life changes lately? doing anything that you regret and have 2nd thoughts over? has someone close to u said something that was mean-spirited? i don't mean to pry, just some ?s to ask urself. {hugs}

Yes, what you both say is true...my self esteem is in the gutter right now, I just can't figure out why I've sunk so low.<br />
Not sure what happened, but I can't seem to get it under control right now.<br />
Thanks for your advice. :)

i would insult the area where u live, but there's s*itty people like that everywhere. u can't fix or change that, what u can do is fix/change the way u perceive what and how they say things. don't apologize, why should u?? they're the dumba**** not u. these people do not know u, u should not take what they say personally......none of this is based on ur personality or who u are as a whole.....just some have no class or manners. next time some1 deems to make comments abt u, ask them how is this any of their business?? move on, ur a better person than they'll ever hope to be. :)