Severe Social Anxiety & Life Regrets

Before I start: I don't need comments about getting help, seeking a professional, or "talking" to someone. I appreciate the concern and interest in getting help, however, being the one whom has suffered with this for so long, I know if there was something to do to fix it - I would of long before now.

Let us begin...

It's hard to say exactly when and how this "came about." I can remember in my younger years I didn't care about what anyone had to think or say. I was "reclusive" - my brain always kind of stuck in THINK mode and WORRY mode but at the end of the day it never really affected me.

I can probably assume the problems I suffered with in middle school and high school lead to the complete 'bring out' of this disease. I am not going to say my experience in school was HORRIFYING. But for some reason in MY MIND it was. In my mind I was trapped in this horrible, mean world and I couldn't escape. I wanted out of it all. I slowly became a shell. Skipping out on sleep overs and school dances. I wouldn't just go up and meet someone, they had to come to me. I poured my life into school work and when I got a little older, and finally had friends, it was drugs and skipping school. It took me to another plain of existence that I enjoyed. I didn't have to worry about anything.

But soon that was gone too. Now here I am. Almost 21 years old. I have no real friends. If you ask the people that ARE close to me like my family, they will tell you I am loud and annoying and crazy and spunky. You sit me beside a stranger trying to make conversation he will say I am reserved and quiet and unbreakable.

I do not make eye contact. If I do I blush and feel embarassed. I do not speak unless spoken to. I will NOT ask for help, I cannot. If I NEED to do something social, like ask for directions. My throat clogs up and tears come into my eyes.

I miss out on the world's smallest and stupidest things. But they add up and I can never take them back. Instead I OBSESS about them and wonder WHY I couldn't be normal enough to just DO IT.

Like for instance, this morning, at the place I am staying they were having this great big super breakfast. It smelt SOOOOO good to me and I was starving. I was invited of course. I came out of my bedroom to bring my breastmilk to the freezers before leaving to the hospital to see my son, and I was SUPPOUSE to sit down and let someone come and take my order. I walked into that kitchen and just blacked out. I wasn't going to do it, I couldn't. What would I order? What would I say? Do I go to them or do they come to me? Where can I sit? If I do get to order how can I ask them to pack it for me like they do? What if I do something wrong? -- I walked out of the house and came to the hospital, hungry and pissed off.

But that kind of stuff happens every single day. When I was younger I could never order something at a resturaunt, someone ALWAYS did it for me. One time, I was with some friends and family - we were all ordering, I looked to my boyfriend for help like always but he was angry at me so he didn't. I stood there in silence. I felt my face going red and tears coming. I said I wanted nothing and ran out of there. I bawled for hours.

I cannot make a decision, when faced with one I copy someone else or force someone to answer for me whether I want it or not.

I used to not be able to do the check out line in a store. I would cry. I've overcome very few of these faults like ordering and checking out. Or in a library I can actually check out a book. But I still cannot engage in a conversation. I cannot take part in my own life because of it.

It's the hardest thing I've ever suffered through. One question I always had was, how can I get help if help isn't coming to me? I cannot seek out medical help. Of course having a child I had to suck it up and go to appointments but someone was always with me. I don't know if I want to go to a dr. What if there is no help. What if he doesn't believe I am sick because I am there talking with him.

What if's rule my mind and my world and they make it almost impossible to lead a normal life.

 

MisssBlazzz MisssBlazzz
18-21, F
3 Responses Sep 27, 2009

Well honestly I do not feel better, simply because - in one case (yours) you feel a certain way about our situations, that yours could potentially be "worse" than me. I find that it doesn't matter who says what, because no one knows EXACTLY what it is like in my brain, if I am clearly able to function. Like I do not quite know the extent of yours. I have lived long enough (but not quite that long) to know this is something that will not go away, parts may get a bit easier but that is because I learn how to deal with them and ob<x>ject around them. <br />
But thank you for your advise/wisdom. I wish YOU the best because you seem to need it. <br />
If you cannot get over it, then move underneath it.<br />
Btw, I do have a child, and he was bore with a man - but you know what it took to meet him? I have had 2 relationships in my life, not because they were that long, or because I am commitment phobe, because I cannot meet someone new, never. I refuse to put myself out there, I am single now and yes probably will be for a long time until someone else is pushed against my life forcing themselves in. <br />
Even after three years he hated me (never said it but I felt it) because of this problem, I couldn't ever really 100 percent give myself to him, and it sucked. It sucks being lonely when you are not even alone. But my mind makes me.

Thank you. I do feel like that the whole world is staring at me and scruitinizing my every move. I make the wrong movement or pick the wrong thing and they are right there laughing at me or talking about me. The conversations I have in my mind are ridiculous. I feel kind of mental. But honestly I never thought of the whole, talk yourself into it thing. I just let my thoughts go for it and do what they want, never tried to control it. Maybe I can try that sometime. Thanks.

Ohhhhh, do I feel for you! I was similar to you, but not quite as bad. What helped me, was actually....well, I can't type it on here. But the other half was I met my husband and he was very outgoing. He was the type of person who just didn't know a stranger. We've been together now for 19 years. He jokes frequently that it is almost like the roles have been reversed. But what has actually happened is I use my " public face" as a fallback as something I put on to let people know I'm okay, and then put on my "real mood face" when I get home. I don't know that I'm doing necessarily a good thing there either. BUT, the main thing is that you have to force yourself to get out and mingle. Literally force yourself into social situations. Nothing "big", just baby situations and keep working your way up. For instance, the breakfast. I know what it is like to have that whole conversation in your mind. But don't leave...talk to yourself until you figure out what you are going to eat. I do that even today. I don't go in to eat somewhere cuz what if I can't find the juice or operate the juice machine properly and then I look stupid! Or with me being vegan, they won't have anything for me to eat...and then I will have to ask, and then it will become a scene, and then I'll get asked 20 questions about why I'm a vegan and on and on and on. Is it worth it? Bottom line is yes! We are teaching ourselves to be non-chalant in society. That little things aren't a big deal. La dada te-da! They gotta just roll off our shoulders! That's the only thing we are learning...we don't care what others think. Because by us breaking down every little possibility, we are saying we are scared we are going to make fools of ourselves. Well, so what?? I've fallen on my face on the floor more times than I can count. What do I do? I make sure I laugh first, and usually I'm the only one laughing...but I'm in control of the situation ...not the other people in the room. I could ramble forever about this. But I hope it helped a little bit at least. <br />
And! I can tell you with 100% affirmation that if you did go to a therapist or counselor they would NEVER, EVER wonder why you were there because you were talking. I promise. It just doesn't work like that. They want you to talk to help you work through your problem. You'll be A-OK!