With 2016 finally here I want to say I want to finally try to be optimistic and start accepting life's challenges. One of the biggest is simply leaving my home to unknown territory. The only place I ever go to is the library and wal-mart for food and that's only because I go there so often even though I still have my panic attacks from time to time. I have isolated myself from the world literally for years because I'm terrified of people and being judged and feared that I will be continued to be harrassed by others cause it happens to me quite a bit. The apartment I stay in has become my safety net. As long as I'm in my apartment I have nothing to fear which is ironic cause I'm really not that safe there considering the other people that live there and the drama and drugs they bring with them. But inside my shell I'm free to be myself.

A depressed gay man who only came to terms to who he is at 30 years old considering I tried many suicide attempts in the past decade that obviously failed because I thought I was doing a right thing. Well my plans to end my life has failed and the ideas has since been discarded and done with but what happens now except finding a way to move forward. I already see how isolating in my apartment has made my anxiety worst but now I'm faced with a challenge of wanting to improve a future I may not have. With me hiding from the world I've become a lost soul. Dazed and confused about how I'm suppose to function in the real world. How do I find direction when I fear of the unknown that dwells outside of my apartment that really I consider a prison. A place to prevent me from seeing the beauty there could be in the world that I'm simply missing cause I feel like I can't reach it. I feel disabled. Limited. Powerless.

So while yes I do want to make changes there is a large uncertainty of rather or not I can after locking myself inside for many years that did nothing but help me lose myself more. Fear has become my true enemy. I'm afraid of the world, I'm afraid of myself, and I fear I will always just be another depressed soul in the world that never finds his life destination!
DarkPhoenix1985 DarkPhoenix1985
31-35, M
3 Responses Jan 2, 2016

Interesting.. My New Years resolution is similar. That being, to get out of my comfort zone.
All you can do is try.. Getting up the courage to do so is half the battle. However limiting ourselves from people isn't good for us.
I've been asked many times why I am single. Until recently, I hadn't given it much thought. I actually assumed it was my choice. But then I realised this wasn't the case. I just wasn't getting out there.
For the longest time I refused to take medication or seek any sort of help, denying that I had any sort of problem at all.
The first step is understanding the problem, the second step is searching for ways to fix it.
No one miraculously changes overnight but once you make a few small steps you will see that what once was scary isn't always the case.
Good luck :)

Thanks! Right now I'm searching for plans. I hid for so long I don't know what to do with myself although I want to become a photojournalist....ironic enough considering...

Just get out and start shooting pictures.. You don't even need to talk to peeps for that. Quite ideal really

Even though it feels like you're late in the game, I think you're better off starting to make those changes now. You can create a better future for yourself. Personally, taking those baby steps and managing the anxiety makes me feel on top of the world when I'm able to do it. And it won't be perfection everyday, but telling yourself you're gonna go to a different store after you go to WalMart and then doing it or at least trying to do it might make you feel better/stronger in the end. I believe you can do it.

I know how you feel. I suffer from anxiety attacks too. But I use my coping skill to help me though my tough times.