I know some people with this really struggle to go to the store or leave their house, but I have a harder time just talking to anyone. I can see people and be okay (usually) but the moment I make eye contact or anything is said I get too nervous. I can handle leaving my house mostly because my sister is always with me. Well, today, I decided to take a walk. I had been having a hard day, with awful mood swings. The rooms around me seemed to darken in my intense sadness for part of the day. My whole body hurt, especially my eyes, but I didn't have anything extremely anxiety-provoking and I slipped by unnoticed as I like it. When I got home, I had way too much energy and felt like crying or screaming but I ran to the park to meet my sister instead.
We started walking by this creek where no one goes, but someone showed up behind us, quite far back, but it scared me pretty bad, so I sped up and walked across a slippery cement thingy (for lack of a better description) to cross the creek bed and escape. He may have been a completely normal person, but I felt followed and I had this aching feeling that it could be one of my classmates, so I was in a rush to leave. Walking along a long grassy path up to the highway with my sister, I looked back to find that he too had crossed the creek and was still going in our direction with his head down. Quickly I walked up to the highway and turned into my neighborhood at a different place. I didn't see him again, but I was walking into the neighborhood at a bad time.
There were people. Everywhere. It was like a minefield, and I didn't know what to do. I became acutely aware of everything going on around me. Car horns beeped right next to me, and I felt a surge of panic only to find it was for someone else. Someone whistled and waved his arms in my direction and I immediately turned away in complete fear that a stranger was trying to get my attention. Cars. People. I took the older road to my house to avoid it all. It seemed just like a nightmare I had when I was nine, when I only had nightmares. In this particular one, I was trying to ride my bike on a very sunny day, but there was chaos all around me. People were yelling and screaming, cars were crashing. People were dying and killing. I remember it as one of my worst nightmares.
And here I was, seeing neighbors as people to hide from. I don't know... I'm supposed to go to my very first therapy session on the 15th, but I don't know how I'll bring myself to go. I know I need to, but it's agonizing to think about...
If you read this, I'm not really sure why, but thank you. Maybe you can completely relate, or maybe you've learned something new about how it people with anxiety think. If you have any advice or similar experiences, I'll listen.
rainandbooks rainandbooks
16-17, F
Mar 2, 2016