I don't know how other people make conversation. I asked this girl how her spring break was and she said it was good I went to Toronto to visit a friend. and I know nothing about Toronto so the convo basically ended there lol...small talk sucks.
msingenuous msingenuous
22-25, F
3 Responses Mar 14, 2016

I'm like that too haha. Unless I have a glass of wine you don't get much out of me face to face :p

It takes time to find your script to create a conversation. Those who do it well have practiced by t so much that it has become "natural". Be easy on yourself and learn with each meeting on what worked or didn't. There is no one way I have found.

For me, it is almost a different person that I " become" to be social. I'm still not comfortable, but it works apparently well enough.

I wish you well. Just keep being yourself. How to create conversations and make others talk about themselves takes practice. Lord knows we don't want them to know about us. Nothing there that could be interesting.

Yeah it does I still can't look at people's faces when it comes to eye contact. No idea why though

I usually feel like I err on the side of trying to make a conversation out of nothing...
In the example I would've asked what Toronto was like and then kind of spiral like that until reaching a more common talking point. For instance they say it's really cold and I would bring up like the one thing I know which is to ask if she's ever frozen her hair in the winter hanging out in a hot tub. Or ask about the moose. Or both.
The best thing I've ever heard that helps me talk to people is the "yes and" principle. It's actually an improvisation technique, but it's basically that you never just agree to something said. You agree/disagree (agree in improv. Either in real life) and then you contribute something to give the other person something to add onto. Usually when I use it I ask for more detail about the person or something they enjoy because most people like to talk about themselves and then I don't have to talk as much or about myself.
I have more generalized than social anxiety so I might have a bit of an easier time talking to people. Most people seem to be just as unsure when talking though so as long as you're generally kind then it'll all work out. They'll be kind back.

yeah I think I have generalized too but I might also be somewhere on the aspie spectrum which affects these things...or I just need to figure out how to make better conversation like you guys lol. I'm still a bit confused on the "yes and" principle if you wouldn't mind clarifying? shouldn't it be a "yes, but..." principle if you are agreeing and disagreeing with them?

Oh, it could be a "yes but" as well. The principal is mostly just to discourage a simple "yes" or "no" which basically ends the conversation there. It could also just be any kind of statement of opinion and then something that expands upon it. Like if someone says "Do you like rainbows?" You can say "yes" which just kind of stops or you can say "yes, and when I was a kid I remember trying to find the pot of gold at the end of it" which leads to trading childhood memories or even a "yes, but I'm colorblind so it's kind of just a yellow line and a blue line sometimes" (this is my friend's response every time rainbows are mentioned). In the second cases it gives the first person something to continue the conversation with. If both parties make an attempt at that for the first awkward part of the conversation then it usually takes off on its own. It also is a really good way to accidentally make friends.

It works the opposite way too, which is why if you wanted to stall out a conversation (for instance someone you dislike or Ive seen people use it for unwanted people messaging them) then you reply with one-word answers. These also happen a lot when people are distracted or busy. (I actually usually tell anyone I'm talking to if I've got something else going on in case I start using short responses because I'll take it as something wrong and one of my friends also has anxiety and would do the same. Hence the caveat that just because of short answers doesn't mean a person doesn't like you or you've done something wrong.)

I honestly usually blunder through all of my conversations. It's all about attitude. If you make it clear you're coming from a friendly place (small smiles, casual joking (puns are good for this), nodding at pauses in the other person's speech to indicate interest, a slight head tilt, eyes focused around the nose when looking at them, and about an arms length of distance between you (though this can vary that's the average)) then they'll return the sentiment and probably the gestures because that's human nature. A friendly place also is a place of no judgement which allows for blunders to be endearing and a possible point of mutual humor than scary. It helps also if you misspeak or something to laugh at yourself a little and try to move on because then it's not a big deal and even if you remember it the other person probably won't.

I don't know what happened to this but I hope it's helpful. I just kinda blurted out all of my tips for making conversation.