Social Anxieties

My social anxiety has a million elements to it. I have low self-esteem, insecurities, trust issues, paranoia, anxiety and depression. I'm introverted, shy and lonely, and I end up sitting in my room all day, every day, because I have no friends to spend time with, which is something I crave but am too scared to pursue.

I've seen myself as someone who doesn't fit in any group. In high school, I was made fun of for wearing different clothes and being "weird" (ie. I didn't have friends and didn't go out in any social settings), but thankfully, for the most part, I was just ignored.

My mother tried to encourage me to make friends, but went about it entirely the wrong way. Her idea of encouragement was to tell me I was unattractive and nobody would want to be my friend, in hopes that I would shed my "weird" behavior and fit myself amongst my peers. It didn't go as she planned; instead of changing myself to attract others like she hoped, I just felt worse about myself.

I look at people, still, and all I see is an opportunity to be rejected. I am rather awkward anyway and have a lot of difficulty expressing myself verbally, and it turns people off. I have a few acquaintances at school, people I sit by and such, but I never really talk to them and I definitely don't hang out with them outside of class. I would love to have friends I could go hang out with, friends to go to parties with, friends to talk to, friends who understand me and connect with me on a deep level... but as much as I want that, I can't see myself trying to pursue friendships because it just scares me. I end up facing every insecurity and fear I have in a way that knocks me down and feels like too much to handle. I've become used to spending every day alone in my room, and as lonely as that is, it's what I know best. It's safe.

I feel like everyone I know is annoyed by me and considers me a nuisance. And that's if I'm even lucky enough to connect with anyone at all. I'm terrified of looking "stupid" or embarrassing myself, and it makes it pretty much impossible for me to even try to make friends, no matter how much I really do want them.

heypixie heypixie
18-21, F
6 Responses Mar 1, 2010

it was easy in school to make friends because there were so many people around who were familiar and i suppose the familiarity with which seing the same people day in day out made the transiition from stranger to friend easier. But now, things are different seeing groups of people hanging out is something i find really upsetting and particulary at "socially intense" times of the year like new years eve and Saturday nights when it seems the world is out there socialising and engaging and i'm, well .... not.

Trust is a huge issue with social anxiety. I have struggled with it too. One thing that helps is working on increasing feelings of trust (or faith). Basically what I have learned is, Trust (or faith) is the opposite of social anxiety. Here is a very good article about that, it's called "Social Anxiety and Trust" (you can Google it, it will come up at the top of your search) (Or use this)--

I totally agree with you all. I used to have two good friends since leaving high school but now they dont talk to me.. When i am not working i stay home and feel sorry for myself. I am too scared to go out and meet people because i might make a fool of myself and i worry too much about what people think of me. I've tried numerous medications but nothing seems to help. The only friend i have is my boyfriend. I really wish i dont get to that age where look back at my life and regret not going out more and meeting people.

I feel the same way, sweetness123. I'm so afraid I'll look back on my life and be disappointed and regretful.<br />
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I wouldn't feel as bad if I did have a couple of close friends, but I don't. I literally have none. I had one friend in high school, but she doesn't live near me anymore, so I don't see her much at all. The friends I do have are online, so none of them are near me and I'm unable to spend any time with them.

I feel just like you. i try so hard to change the way I think, train my brain differently, take zoloft. ive gotten better but its always there. im getting older and i look back at my life and im not satisfied. ive done a lot of things but i feel like i couldve lived my life better. i get angry because the anxiety has held me back so much. it doesn't let me be who i want to be. its not fair why anybody would have to suffer with this...<br />
i worry that ill be an old lady looking back @ my life and be depressed about how I lived it =/

The majority of the friends that I have, or had, in my life all originated in high school, and even then it took most of junior high to really become comfortable with them. Now, they have all drifted away and none have replaced them. There is just something about interacting with people that seems to make me uncomfortable and awkward. My overwhelming fear of looking stupid or being embarrassed has created a lot of barriers in my life, especially in trying to refine myself socially. I feel I have no one really in my life to turn to or to hang out with aside from my fiance and it's starting to really affect me and how I feel about myself. I know exactly how you feel, especially the part about staying alone in your room for most of the day. It hurts and it sucks and I want you to one day to be able to have what seems so unattainable to people like you and me. :)