Pathetic Me

  When I was young I don't really talk to people, but my parents said I was shy so I thought it was normal. Just that I wasn't aware of how much I want to be alone on that time. When I started secondary school, there were camps which I had to go to. Every time I was there I would miss home and cry. So I thought I was just a bit too home sick. Then later I realize that I can never come up with a joke that entertains people. While talking to people I would need a long time just to think of what to reply. So I cut down on talking. Soon I lost the capability to communicate normally with people. I can't explain anything and my classmates all don't get me. And now I think I have social phobia.
  Everyday, school is a pain for me. During school times I keep thinking of going home. When I walk outside of the classroom I am terrified thinking how people would judge me. I don't really talk to my friends and if someone starts a conversation with me, no matter who it is, I get nervous and lose all my words. When the teacher calls my name, I panic. It feels stupid and awkward, and I always want to run away or curl up in a dark corner. Sometimes when I see people crowding around I even feel like vomiting. And everyday, in school or at home, I would think why am I like this. I couldn't come up with any answer, despite how hard I think that now my head hurts all the time.
  All I know is that I don't even know how to face people. I don't know how should I react to most situations. I couldn't face my friends, my family, and, I know this is pathetic, but not even my dog. I can't stand his excited eyes that look at me because I'm too scared to take him for a walk outside. Yesterday, my brother barged into my room and wants me to lend him my comics. He was talking in such a demanding tone that it freaked me out, I was so scared that I fled to the kitchen and cried. I know it's stupid, but it happens all the time. Even today in school when someone walked into the toilet I got startled and banged on the bucket. 
  I feel the need of seeing a doctor but I don't know how to tell my mom. Rather, I'm scared that my mom might not be able to accept this, me who has social phobia. I know my mom loves me, but I'm sure it's just the me who is acting normal, the me who has average grades, and the me who achieved "the best athlete of the school" which I don't even know how. What if her daughter turned out to be incapable of communicating, and has social phobia? Will she still treat me like how she does now? Every time my mum hugs me, I feel loved, but I makes me think that I'm gonna lose this feeling soon. I can't rely on anyone because I know it'll hurt bad when I lose them one day. And the thing is, I am having exams next week, and this is getting worse that I can't concentrate on my studies. I don't know what to do.....
MochaBlue MochaBlue
18-21, F
7 Responses Oct 8, 2010

I think you shouldn't be ashamed to speak to your mom. You are having a real medical problem and you owe it to yourself to seek professional help. You shouldn't have have to feel so crummy everyday. If you broke your leg, or found a lump on your breast you would go to the doctors. Mental health issues are just as serious and often treatable. Medication and talk therapy combined is likely to help you. You need to find a good therapist to evaluate your symptoms as well as a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication if needed. You need stratagies to help you deal and manage social phobia. good luck!!

Hello there ^_+<br />
<br />
Don't want to talk about myself much but I don't know how else I should say it o_o I was inspired by your story I also feel sorry for you ('cuz I have also been the same!). <br />
So that's how it was: <br />
<br />
I, just like you, had this kind of phobia. I stayed at my house like a big big nolifer or hikikomori without even seeing sunlight. School was biggest pain I couldn't watch directly at people... My mother didn't knew that... I kept acting that I'm ok and I have friends but I felt horrible I cried just for being so pathetic. Even now I have a little wrinkle just from crying so many years. <br />
BUT everything has changed and still is changing. I got a camera for christmas. I found out that making photos is a perfect hobby for me. But what can you photo in your apartment? Chair, Table, toilet? boooring! So... that's how I went outside. Step by step I was so into photography that when I were outside I used to forget that other people exist. Now I have a doggy and every time I go outside I feel more and more comfortable. I just realized that all humans (even me :D) have the same life. All lives are equal even if it's a homeless guy or a president...<br />
<br />
What I want to say with this "small" story is that you can do it without psychologist help, step by step , little by little and you will see what you are not able to see - the beauty that is behind four walls.<br />
<br />

@ilibg05 You are not alone....*hugs* I realise a lot of us are the same...I hope you'll get through your problems soon >< Try seeking help from your families maybe? I'm sorry I am quite inexperienced in this...I can never communicate with people and my dad has just scolded me for that. Also sorry if I sounded cold....I can't say out what I mean :( <br />
Best wishes <3

I would not have gotten through college without adderall. It helped me focus better and somehow it turned me into an extravert rather than the extreme introvert I am. However I have been reading on here about some people who have bad long term side effects so I need to figure out how I can go off of it in case its not healthy. It may be a short time solution for you while in school though. You would just need to go to a famly doc or a psychiatrist and convince them that you have ADD. I did not even do that I just said I can't concentrate and not sure if its ADD or what but he said if it helps then he would prescribe it. However it may affect you differently since I believe I actually do have ADD.<br />
Also, I agree with introspection's comment about the fact that the only thing other people are thinking of us is that we are really quiet or shy and they may wonder why but other than that they probably dont think anything that is negative because we haven't done anything mean to them or to affect them necessarily. In high school I know kids can sometimes still be mean but once you get out of high school you will see that adults in the real world are not going to necessarily be judging you on that, they have too much else to worry about themselves with all of life's demands. I don't have all the answers because I too am struggling after many years and I am 26. I don't know your mom but my advice is if she is the person you trust the most to go to for things, I would go to her. If she is not very much help you could see about contacng someone at a local church to talk to or some kind of counselor.Hope this helps.

I understand halfway but that doesn't make me feel good or bad about you. I do think it's a shame you can't/don't go anywhere with this problem, I think you really should go see your docter because you never know how much easier he/she could eventually make things! You could write your mom a letter if you want to tell her before you go see the docter, or go without telling her the first time and maybe even talk to your docter about telling your mom. I mean, this is for real so your mom can't be angry about you not telling her, if you try to be honest with her later, or am I wrong? Either way, you can go see a docter and just try to make it as far as you can, just don't stop because you're ashamed because this is just the way things are and you should be proud if you go and try, think you look stupid and even go on trying (: good luck

Hey, I know how you feel. School is a pain for so many people that I dare you make a poll about it and realize it wasn't easy for thousands of people. Hang in there, when you finish High School the world opens like you wouldn't imagine. It's healthy that you want to find help, research about it to find the best experience that you know your mom and you would feel comfortable with. Mostly don't think you are alone. I have found that changing that kind of attitudes takes a change of location too or activity. I was very shy with my first choice for a profession because I felt stupid next to my classmates and now that I chose something else I have been able to ask questions in class and feel a lot less nervous. Good luck.

Thank you, Christnya. My mom does not have social phobia, I'm sorry if it's confusing. My whole family is normal and outgoing, and my friends too. That's why I don't know how to overcome the fear that my mother might not be able to accept me being like this. Thanks a lot for the suggestion. It may take me some time to take this step, but your comment is very much appreciated. :)