Pathetic MeWhen I was young I don't really talk to people, but my parents said I was shy so I thought it was normal. Just that I wasn't aware of how much I want to be alone on that time. When I started secondary school, there were camps which I had to go to. Every time I was there I would miss home and cry. So I thought I was just a bit too home sick. Then later I realize that I can never come up with a joke that entertains people. While talking to people I would need a long time just to think of what to reply. So I cut down on talking. Soon I lost the capability to communicate normally with people. I can't explain anything and my classmates all don't get me. And now I think I have social phobia.
Everyday, school is a pain for me. During school times I keep thinking of going home. When I walk outside of the classroom I am terrified thinking how people would judge me. I don't really talk to my friends and if someone starts a conversation with me, no matter who it is, I get nervous and lose all my words. When the teacher calls my name, I panic. It feels stupid and awkward, and I always want to run away or curl up in a dark corner. Sometimes when I see people crowding around I even feel like vomiting. And everyday, in school or at home, I would think why am I like this. I couldn't come up with any answer, despite how hard I think that now my head hurts all the time.
All I know is that I don't even know how to face people. I don't know how should I react to most situations. I couldn't face my friends, my family, and, I know this is pathetic, but not even my dog. I can't stand his excited eyes that look at me because I'm too scared to take him for a walk outside. Yesterday, my brother barged into my room and wants me to lend him my comics. He was talking in such a demanding tone that it freaked me out, I was so scared that I fled to the kitchen and cried. I know it's stupid, but it happens all the time. Even today in school when someone walked into the toilet I got startled and banged on the bucket.
I feel the need of seeing a doctor but I don't know how to tell my mom. Rather, I'm scared that my mom might not be able to accept this, me who has social phobia. I know my mom loves me, but I'm sure it's just the me who is acting normal, the me who has average grades, and the me who achieved "the best athlete of the school" which I don't even know how. What if her daughter turned out to be incapable of communicating, and has social phobia? Will she still treat me like how she does now? Every time my mum hugs me, I feel loved, but I makes me think that I'm gonna lose this feeling soon. I can't rely on anyone because I know it'll hurt bad when I lose them one day. And the thing is, I am having exams next week, and this is getting worse that I can't concentrate on my studies. I don't know what to do.....
MochaBlue 16-17, F 9 Responses 3 Oct 8, 2010