Social Phobia (torture for the brain)

I am 36 now but my SAD started when I was 11.  I didnt know that was my problem until like a few years ago.  My parents struggled with me as I didnt want to go to school since people made me so uncomfortable. So I ended up drinking alcohol, skipping school , running away, smoking ciggs, bad grades while my sister and brother graduated with decent grades so It just made me look even more lazy and my excuses sounded stupid to my parents. Of course they didnt know I had a problem , they never heard of it. I told my parents a few years ago but they dont get it. Im a huge dissapoinment. Sorry mom and pop.So I ended up a pregnant teen.. got married and divorced. Then got married again with another kid. I have a good man now who somewhat knows my problem but unless you have it then you really dont get it. I have gotten many stupid jobs which i always quit cause I feel like someone or many someones dont like me.  I hate interveiws and I have only gotten jobs from male managers.. women tend to be nasty and jealous. I cant go to school cause its so overwhelming the crowded classes and parking lots and people everywhere.. I have taken a few classes. yup that got me nowhere. I like working and having a job. but i get so tired of the daily fearfest that i quit. I feel like a loser and im a terrible role model for my daughters.. who have picked up some of my horrible traits. (like depending on a man for support ..) This has to be one of the most embarrasing mental problems out there since we dont hallucinate or throw poop at the walls, its hard for others to see and understand us. I have taken some meds here and there.. paxil made me a bit more calm but made me super fatt!! I now take wellbutrin not for anxiety but for weight loss and energy. I would like to take adderall, ive heard it works wonders!! oh I would love to be normal and go to school and get a degree or certif and get a job and finally get some respect from others and myself. I think I have ADD as well.. I cant organize my thoughts very well , as well as school work.  ug  I have days where I wish I was dead. like today which led me to this site.. and to write this. I have not one friend at all..I used to have a few but they all hate me now... this sucks I am even scared to take my kid to the park big fun for the day is always going to the grocery store whoohoooo!! yay.. why me? why us? what caused so many of us to have a brain tweak? I think its some weird evolutionary thing ...I hate society, I think alot of people are shallow and mean, we are no better now than animals fighting for food and territory. I think god or whoever should blast earth with a big spacerock and start over!! I quit smoking 2 years ago but I know as soon as (if) I get a job I will start again since Im a insecure mouse. I miss smoking and also miss being young, and eating as much as I want without gaining weight. those were my only comfort items, now i guess its my tv and my cats. I love reading everyones stories cause it makes my feel better and not so alone temporarily..            SAD sufferers.... I feel you i really do!! 
Onanotherplanet Onanotherplanet
36-40, F
3 Responses Aug 5, 2011

I will be both your friends. I hate feeling like this too.

I relate to a lot of what you said. Posting your thoughts can be so helpful. Keep working on your issues, and slowly things do get better. I'll be your friend if you are interested.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I spend so much time at home because crowded malls, movies etc... terrify me. Going to a restaurant for me is torture- I feel so confined & just feel like I'm surrounded by people & can't escape. I have to force myself to go out & it takes so much of my time prepping to go out because of the anxiety. I've been at my job for 15 years, but that's probably because there are a lot of aspects of it that can be done alone. I also understand what you say about being friends with mostly males- it is the same for me & wish females didn't give me such a problem for reasons I'll never understand. It is so hard to explain to people that you're basically afraid of people or groups of people. I try to fake it as best as I can, but I know that I am missing out on a lot of life due to this anxiety. I hope you find a way to work through it & live a happy life.