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I Am Who I Am.

From an early age i was afflicted with an incurable medical condition that left me both physically and mentally scarred, even though i was friendly, funny and kind i was treated as an outsider, to be mocked and whispered about. I was the focus of peoples jokes and the victim of childrens cruelty, and as the years went by my personality changed - i became hateful, mistrusting and self loathing.
To cope with my life i began to escape into my own fantasy world where i was the complete opposite of myself and as time went by this became the way i spent most of my days.
By the age of 14 my grandma died, she was the only person i had in my life and after her death i had no-one. Things quickly took a downward spiral and that same year i tried to take my own life, luckily my attempt failed and i was taken out of school permanently. This as it turned out was probably what saved my life and not the psychiatrist i was made to see each week. I spent the next 2yrs living with my mum and her boyfriend which was a living hell ( ill save that story for another experience group ) but still better than the torment i suffered at school.
It wasnt until i was 17 that things began to change a little, i found myself with a job and with it came a new environment where people didnt know my past.
I was able to hide my medical condition with the clothes i wore and so for the first time in many years i was treated like a decent person and not a freak. But my condition was still there and even if the people around me didnt know about it.... i did, and so my personality changed once more.. this time i became a ''fake person'' I talked, joked, laughed and smiled with the people around me but inside i was terribly depressed and had given up expecting anything from life.
Over the years people began to wonder what was wrong with me, i almost never left my home except when i was at work and i never had a girlfriend - i was so angry with the world because i couldnt have even the most simple things in life and as more years went by i became very anti social.
Then last year something unexpected happened, the condition i had which ''had no cure'' was suddenly cured, not by advances in science but by shear luck or chance - i found myself in a very unfamiliar place, i was 28 with almost no life experience and never having any real relationships with anyone i could now imagine a life where i was not alone, the idea of finding someone to share my life with was no longer a painful torment but an actual possibility.
These past 2yrs have been really different from the previous 10 and so much has happened in my life, things i never thought i would experience, things that most people take for granted, and yet other things stay the same. I have come to accept this and once i stopped trying to change the way i am to please the people around me i began to find a measure of peace.
I am anti social, i am not a freak, i am not miserable or grumpy and i do not need to be fixed, i am a product of my childhood, for good or for bad.





DiesSomnium DiesSomnium 31-35 3 Responses Oct 1, 2011

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I have to say that I admire your continued progress to overcome lifes challenges, you do what you have to to help yourself, but reaching out on here helps as well to give you more confidence, x

I actually joined EP over a year ago (this is a new account)
and in that time this site and some of its members have helped me a lot.

Oh i do that kind of thing already, perhaps my story makes me appear worse than i actually am lol<br />
I go out to places like that but not too often, i dont really see myself as having a problem anymore, i always felt pressure from people ( especially at work ) to go out drinking or something simlar and i always felt like i had to think of excuses why i couldn't .<br />
I do tend to wait until nightfall to go anywhere though, i kind of feel more calm at night.

this is amazing! give yourself time. you may find that being just a bit social...just a bit at a time, will make you happier with yourself. just an occasional visit to a low impact place such as a library, maybe? that isn't a presc<x>ription to 'fix' you...just a suggestion.. smiles, sunni