The Avoidant Me.I worry too much about what people may think about me. And in the office is worst, manage to be in the same room with +/- 20 people talking, and talking. I have a paranoia stigma, and is too easy for me (and stress out about this) to think that they might bad-mouthing about me after hearing any supposed commentary. But somehow, at least at work, it was getting better until now.
I don't know if was really a good choice to mix up people from work and people from college (I impulsively recommended and helped an acquainted from college to get the same job as me). I realize now after this how impulsive I am. I recognize my inability to attach myself to anyone, but not because I don't want it...or maybe I don't want it now because of this deformed inability. And because I helped him to got the job, somehow I know I have to have an obligation to introduce and facilitate things for him, and also I know I have to spend time and accompany him (at least until now), like lunch together, leave the work together, and what is worse (and probably what will be tomorrow), have to go to college with him. Silence, silence. Awkward silence, then awkwardly a conversation is started, to be awkwardly conducted to then be killed very soon. Then the awkward silence and uneasiness, again. omgandnowandnow.
I build a thick wall around me through the years, isolating myself, and now it is broken and leaking a big portion of what is from inside. But both sides are so alien to each other that is impossible to joint them. The inside idealizes everything from outside, and reality doesn't fit in what is there. Misfit. And analyzing a little deeper, this order of how things of the reality work is too boring. Triviality, I hate to remind it through words. Maybe I am being paradoxical. An avoidant that obviously panic with people and at the same time desires to be with people, but at the same time someone how wants to be away from them ("I am sleepy, I am tired, yesterday I did this, etc." I know it is a way to start conversation, but it doesn't work with me). Maybe the problem of us, avoidants, is to idealize too much things, think too much about things that will never happen in reality? Be a dreamer is an innate characteristic, so this can't be changed. Maybe us (or some of us) realize the triviality of reality, how stupid it is to maintain boring chitchat or meaningless and uninteresting conversations that we prefer to build up a parallel ideal world? Have to have an obligation to handle with people is overwhelming. I recognize I needed to change myself after I started to work. Before that, I was virtually detached from world (not that I am not now). And thinking now back, I was better closing totally myself to them and judging (although maybe totally distorted) positively that people, but this good image of them is totally ruined. And also, be with people for too long is to lose a little (or in some cases, too much) of what is you, and you can't be anymore what you are. We have to fit ourselves with any kind of people, but we avoidants fail to do that, at some extend. Or maybe this is another kind of matter (and personal).I don't know if avoidant people have similar thoughts about life and stuff, but for me life lose it meaning too easily and all the time. I'm pretty nihilist, and depressed too. Maybe life loses its meaning because of this enormous lack that should be filled with (proper) social interaction?