Desperate/what Do I Do?

Hello, I am new here. My name is Ellen. I’m going to try and write this as short as I can. It’s hard to do that because so much info is left out but I think you will get the main point of it. I am in a desperate situation right now and need advise, guidance, help, support anything anyone has to offer. First let me give you a little bit of my backgroumd before I get to my current situation. I have struggled with Social Phobia since I was 17. I am now 35. I was always extremely shy but didn’t know that I had panic attacks until at 17 when I tried to go to a meeting type of get together for job skills. If I managed to stay and meet the requirements I could end up with a great job. So there I was. Everything was fine until the moment she said “We are going to go around now and introduce ourselves to each other. I want you to also think about and tell us what you would do if you won a million dollars today”. Simple right? Not so. I immediately started feeling sick. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. My heart beat so fast and so hard I thought it would just stop. I didn’t know a heart could do that! As it got closer and closer to it being my turn I started sweating profusely, I started shaking uncontrollably, I could feel my face flush, my body tingle, and I knew I was bright red which made it that much worse. I couldn’t feel my limbs anymore or my neck. I felt like I couldn’t hold up my head anymore. My eyes darted back and forth with quick short sporadic movements. I must have looked loaded on drugs. I couldn’t see. I wanted to run but was nowhere near the exits and would have to go through many people in this small room to get to the door. And I couldn’t feel my legs anyway to get up. Then it was there. It was my turn. I shook so hard that I thought I was going to knock myself right out of my chair! My face burned. I couldn’t breathe. I knew nothing and could think nothing but “run, run”! She asked me what my name was and all I could say is I don’t know, I don’t know. I couldn’t feel my lips or mouth to say anything else and I could not think in the slightest bit about what I would do with a million dollars. It’s funny because I have plenty to say at home! God help me I had no idea that this would happen to me! What was wrong with me! She then told us that we could go on a break. I wen’t out the door and never wen’t back. Missing my first opportunity to better my life, first of many more to come. I would then miss what feels like a million more in my life. I was so humiliated! That was the beginning of many more day’s, many more experiences of the same, many more feeling’s of absolute terror and horror when doing anything in front of other’s or in public when eyes are on me. I considered myself at that time a freak! My entire life was built and centered around “my problem”. Who would understand this if it has never happened to them before? It turns out, not many! On another occasion I lost my license being young and stupid and had to go to these classes twice a week where I would sit in a group and talk about my day. I had to do this to get my license back. I tried but once again I freaked. I literally had to move out of the state just so the classes would be waived, with the promise not to go back for 5 years. I did not get my license for 7 whole years! I got my AA degree which is a plus but it wasn’t easy. I never showed up on the first day in fear that I would have to introduce myself. I always sat next to exits in case I was called on I could run out the door! I could never ask questions that I desperately needed to ask. Then when I got my AA I wanted to go to a University and get my Bachelor degree but I couldn’t because I couldn’t do the speech class which was a requirement to be able to go to a University. My life has been full of these missed opputunities and the stress associated with this disorder. The after an abusive marriage I ended up in court and because I could not take the stand I lost custody of my kids. They were to live with him and the girlfriend he cheated on me with. I couldn’t take the stand and stick up for myself and the accusation being made which were absolutley ridiculous. I was an excellent mother and he was a horrible father who abandoned me and the kids when I was pregnant in a motel room. But do you think I could get on the stand and tell the judge this? NO! So my x -husband has my children. Now five years later I’m still in the same boat more or less. My kids father is playing games with me and how much of my kids I can see. Well, actually it’s his girlfriend. I found out that there is a lot of neglect going on with my boy’s and some other disturbing things as well and my dad was willing to help me with some money which I didn’t have before now to go back to court and get my kids back. I told my Attorney from the beginning that I have a social phobia but it didn’t seem to be an issue. I didn’t know what would end up happening. I guess he didn’t believe me or take me serious when I said I couldn’t take the stand. Well, now that were all involved with this huge court case and many dollars later and giving my kids hope that they will live with me again my Attorney tells me that I can only get my boy’s if I take the stand and of course be cross examined by my husbands Lawyer who is a real *****. She intimidates everybody! I can’t do this! But it’s for my kids! They mean every thing in the world to me! I would die tomorrow for them but I can’t get up on the stand?! What is wrong with me? Now my Lawyer is pissed off at me and the children’s Attorney pretty much told me I’m being ridiculous and to go take a tranqulizer. They told me that if I loved my children I would do this. They compared me to someone who abandones her kids if I don’t! My Dad is very disappointed in me and I feel like the worst person in the world. I guess there is no justice for a person with Social Phobia and there is no room in a court room for someone like me. It doesn’t sound right to me but my Lawyer pretty much can’t do anything for me now. I walk away with nothing and no kids! And now it’s just not my Social Phobia I have heart conditions that could really put my life in Jeopardy if I was to get that nervous and upset. I have extreme high blood pressure, heart murmer, chronic tachycardia where I have to take beta blockers to try to get my heart rate under 90 at rest and 3 leaky valves. I have these episodes that isn’t related to anxiety where my heart will speed up to 200 beats per minute out of the blue for about a minute or so. When it happens I feel like I’m going to die. I was seeing a Cardiologist twice a week over this at one time. But I just don’t have the money to keep doing that. Anyway’s I don’t know what to do. I’m already on Zoloft and I have been on different anti-depressants my whole life. Tranqulizers don’t help me. I don’t have any money for therapy. I feel like this time my Social Phobia has officially ruined my life and I’ll never be able to get over this. Nobody around me understands. They all just point there fingers at me and make me feel so ashamed of myself. Does anyone have any advise about my situation? Is there anything I can do for my kids besides take the stand? Does anyone know anything about the law in California? Am I being ridiculous, a coward about this? What would you guy’s do who have this disorder? Oh, someone please help me. If you read this thank you so much for taking the time out of your life and doing that for me.I hope to hear from someone soon. Thanks for listening.
eascusa eascusa
31-35
4 Responses May 20, 2012

Hello, i was reading eascusa letter and all that happen to me too,i mean getting red in front of people,sweating can not breath can not talk the beating heart well this phobia had ruined my life .Since i was little this phobia started little by little, i will write more some other time but Hellen for my kids and family i do what it takes no phobia will stop me, i will be a wild animal a lion to defense my family.

Please translate this .i hope that helps.
hola espero que para este dia tu te sientas mucho mejor tu historia no es de otro mundo le pasa al 40% de la gente.a mi me paso.yo trabajo ahora como maestra en una universidad, y tuve que vencer lo que a ti te pasa.Es como comenzar a caminar,caerse u volver a intentarlo.¿como lo logre?Por medio de los errores y tambien pidiendo ayuda. Primero a Dios. El es mi creador y el no me dio espiritu de miedo Lee Salmo 23.despues Ir con un psicologo aunque recuerda que tu tienes la respuesta en tu corazon a todo. debes saber que la solucion es acercarse poco a poco a lo que te da miedo en tu mente e imagina que ya no tienes miedo.Hay algo que no sabes eres la imagen de Dios descubre poco a poco de que eres capaz.colocalo como un reto.descubre el poder dentro de ti.y si quieres escribeme no estas solo (a).saludos y animo.

Thank you both for responding to my post. Unfortunately, even though I also have this posted in other groups as well nobody really knows what I can do. But I do appreciate the support. However, I get a lot of "you just have to do it" stuff and that's what I'm trying to say. I can't! Not because of fear although that is a huge factor but because my body won't literally let me! My legs won't move because I can't feel them and my mouth won't move because I can't feel it. And even if I could feel my mouth my mind is totally blank, I wouldn't be able to say anything and of course your not aloud to write it down and take it on the stand. What good could I possibly be in that condition even if I did mange to get up there. I would probably have to be carried up there, lol! This would be funny if I wasn't serious. I am right now however somewhat talking to my x-husband about things and he doesn't want a trial either plus the court is making him do a lot of things he doesn't want to do in the meantime like counceling. He would do anything if it meant he didn't have to pay anymore. I'm figuring this out more and more. Material items that he buys himself is everything to him. Plus he is scarred to death of probate court because his lawyer told him all these things that could happen to him. So he desperately wants me to go to family court instead and work it out in mediation. That is what I brought up anyway and he might go for it giving me back my legal joint custody. Not that he can keep me from having it but he won't even try is what I mean turning it into a full blown trial. As long as he gets physical custody he's O.K. with it. That's because he doesn't have to fork out any child support that way. But it's better than how it is now and this way I can get my 5 year old to the doctors he needs to see so bad by taking him myself!. So I'm crossing my fingers. Please everybody say a prayer for me. Thank you

Hi it seems you have many problems. I thought my problems were bad. I hope things get better. If u want to talk add me as a friend. I hope u will save your children. Don't give up